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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lying on a dating profile.

62 replies

TheCatIsOnMyFoot · 18/01/2023 00:43

So I've read a few threads recently about how people have lied about there on line dating profiles. It's got me thinking, one of the most recent threads was about a guy who lied about having a child. The overall consensus was that he was wrong and lied. I agree.

Therefore, would i be unreasonable not to tell a date/someone ive dated for 6 months that I have a significant disability (mentioned in the equalities act) that they might not currently see, but could mean in a years time could mean I can not see/hear/walk/swallow.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 18/01/2023 05:51

Re previous message I don’t think it needs to be on your profile, but maybe by date 3 or 4, if it seems like it’s getting to be exclusive etc I’d let them know. I didn’t mention my illness to my new bf but I was aware he might know we used to work in the same area. When I did mention it (date 4) he already knew, and it wasn’t a big deal. I’ve not gone into detail about it apart from giving a bit of history, largely to explain big scar across my stomach. He isn’t bothered but then I guess none of us know what the future holds, but if someone’s got a diagnosed illness they should let someone know before it’s too serious

BensonStabler · 18/01/2023 06:07

Great advice from @Bbdm1984 and a wonderful example of how it can work out.

Sorry to hear of you having MS too. It is heartwarming to hear that he stood by you through one of your toughest relapses, and come out the other side stronger and happier, then even nicer to hear of your pregnancy and love still growing 🥰 Congratulations and best of luck.

Here is hoping OP that your bf will be understanding and in it for the long run too.

menareallthesame · 18/01/2023 06:41

I also have it and it is a bit of a dilemma. I don’t tell people before I meet them but do make sure I’ve told them within the first couple of dates. I’m a gym fanatic so I don’t want it to define me and kind of want them to see at the moment I’m totally fine. No one has been out off.

LlynTegid · 18/01/2023 06:47

I wonder if dating websites will come within the scope of the legislation on social media? So that someone saying they have no children when they have one or more, the onus being on the dating website to act, perhaps by removing them from the site?

In the OPs case, no don't lie. Don't stoop down to other people's level.

Planesmistakenforstars · 18/01/2023 06:56

I don't think you should have to share private health information on your dating profile. I think it's something to bring up face to face on a first or second date. It gives them a chance to get to know you a little better as a person and make an informed choice about whether they want to take things further with you, and gives them a chance to ask questions about something which might be an intimidating issue, but at the same time no one is getting too invested at that point.

Avastmehearties · 18/01/2023 07:13

Sorry about your diagnosis, it is all a lot to come to terms with.

I don't agree that health conditions need disclosing online although i believe that they should be brought up early. Well before real feelings have had the chance to develop.

I have a neuro condition too, and if that put someone off, I would much rather know that early about them, as well as not put them in the position of having already developed feelings, or even having to be the bad guy if it does put them off. If it was on an early date then they could just bow out gracefully but after this long it would be 'that's my previous boyfriend over there. He dumped me after 6 months for having (whatever condition)'.

I'm sorry to say it but i think that omitting or massively minimising anything that has or could have a huge impact on your lives together is quite manipulative. Better to give people a clear picture and let them decide for themselves.

I wish you the best but think you should let your partner know if you're serious about them long term.

SnowyPetals · 18/01/2023 07:43

OLD is really just a way of meeting people. It's a shame that because it's computerised, it's become more like shopping than meeting people, and a way of "saving time" by being able to rule out people who don't match your criteria. Things like health conditions to me should be discussed once you have initially met, as otherwise people's profiles would turn into massive laundry lists of features and attitudes.

Hankunamatata · 18/01/2023 08:07

6 months in you have to tell him.

I think you are in an incredibly difficult position. However you want to find a person who is going to stick with you and see you for you. If telling them about your MS scares them away then they are not the person for you.

ClangingBell · 18/01/2023 08:17

6 months in I think your partner should know all really significant pieces of information about you. That includes any significant medical information that might affect them (and yes I would absolutely include depression and anxiety in that). Six months is really the stage where you’re deciding whether it’s a long term thing or not and people need full information to do that. If he decides he doesn’t want to deal with it, then you don’t want both of you to have wasted a load of time on a relationship that was never going to last.

If you’ve been dating seriously though, I wouldn’t be surprised if even someone who would be fine with the MS had massive doubts about you because of not having told them earlier. That would bother me quite a lot.

Titoti · 18/01/2023 08:24

That diagnosis must have been really tough, I'm sorry you're going through this.

No, I don't think it needs to be on your profile. But I think talking about it early on can only be a positive, say date 3 or 4. To not say anything for 6 months would be terrible.

Lialou · 18/01/2023 08:33

I dont think you need to declare it on your profile, but you need to tell him. Its both of your decision how invested you want to be, with transparency.

BelleMarionette · 18/01/2023 08:47

Is this a hypothetical, or have you dated someone for 6 months without telling them?

If you are looking for a long term relationship, you need to be upfront and honest. After all, you wouldn't want to waste time on someone who wouldn't be happy staying if you had worsening symptoms. It's not fair on them either.

Merryoldgoat · 18/01/2023 08:50

As PP said, it doesn’t need to go on a dating profile but I’d expect to know about something so serious early on.

After 6 weeks or so I think you generally know if you want to keep going or if it’s not working so at that point I’d tell.

My Dr told me conceiving would be likely problematic (in my early 20s) so I told (now)DH that very early on and that was a very vague maybe.

A significant illness or disability and I would certainly disclose that and expect it to be disclosed.

Uninterestedfamily · 18/01/2023 09:10

I'd be fine with dating someone with MS.

I would not be fine dating someone who did not tell me for 6 months. Lying by omission, and I'd find it very manipulative to wait until presumably I'd be in love, or be at least developing feelings.

If you are looking for a long term relationship, you should both be open and honest about any factors that could impact your lives - health, family, financial, work, future plans, time-consuming hobbies etc. Not on date 1, but I think after a few dates.

Whataretheodds · 18/01/2023 09:20

AlwaysAReason · 18/01/2023 00:56

I think around 6 months is UR.
I don't think mentioning it on any profiles is necessary- the first few dates are about finding out if you even want to see each other again/getting to know each other. By the time you have committed to someone, I think they should know.

The referenced thread was different because the OP had specifically said in their profile that she wasn't interested in people with children, and yet the guy just ignored that and didn't mention it.

This.

Original poster
TheCatIsOnMyFoot · 18/01/2023 13:55

Sorry to miss lead. 6 months was an arbitrary number. I'm currently single. Last LTP knew about it before we got together and was fine with it.

I was just musing really.

I've been diagnosed for a few years now and at peace with it.

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 18/01/2023 13:58

Perhaps you should have been more honest in your OP?

meetmeatmidnights · 18/01/2023 14:02

I think yes it should be up there, but I also think anything health wise (mental or physical!) should definitely come out early on in the getting to know them stage. It's unfair on both parties to keep things that could impact a relationship health wise from the other person, the other person might not want to deal with that sort of thing, or get involved with someone with any health issues due to their own personal experiences.

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 18/01/2023 14:10

Sorry about your diagnosis. I would tell some on the second or third date if you have ‘clicked’. Have a spiel ready about how long you have had it and best and worst case scenario, uncertainty etc and maybe a website that is balanced on the subject.

My DP has a health condition that is incurable and may or may not significantly shorten his life. My late DH was as far as anyone knew very fit and healthy and died young suddenly and unexpectedly. Who knows what is going to happen?

WisherWood · 18/01/2023 14:12

What if the disability did happen and the disabled person was okay if the other person walked away ?

It's not just about that. You're asking someone to build a relationship on a lie. They will build up an attachment to you. What if they're not OK with then leaving you, but also not OK with your diagnosis? Plus I would just be wondering what else you might not be telling me.

I told my DP I have depression after a couple of dates. By then it was clear that we had potential as a couple, but we hadn't got attached to each other. I knew my MH could affect him and felt it fair that he should know. I know this is not the same as MS by any means, but it is something you mentioned.

And yes, anyone could have an accident at any time. But that's rather different from knowingly excluding information about something that will happen to some degree.

latetotheinterview · 18/01/2023 14:14

I think in dating it's best to be up front and honest and anything you know that they don't is keeping something from them, and you have to ask yourself are you keeping it from them in case they leave?

If the answer is yes then they have a right to now because they have a right to leave.

I really think that's the long and short of it.

WalkthisWayUK · 18/01/2023 14:21

No I don’t think everything should have to listed on a profile. It’s like meeting someone in a pub etiquette, for the first drink, first dates, it’s perfectly OK not to disclose everything yet.

However once you are starting to realize that there is a connection, then you mention things like kids. And once you are in a relationship, early in such as a couple of months, then you disclose personal stuff such as disabilities. That’s my take anyway!

LaLuz7 · 18/01/2023 14:23

Yes, majorly wrong to keep it from them for months. It should be discussed by date 3-4.

StrawberryAnnie · 18/01/2023 14:25

You will probably know when the right time is to talk about it. There is no arbitrary month or number of dates.

A conversation about health might naturally come up on say, a second date. It might never come up, so after a period of time you might feel like talking about it.

Personally I don’t think it needs to be on a dating profile, but it would be deceptive to withhold it from someone you are entering into a serious relationship with.

Autoimmune conditions are common enough, not a taboo subject. And like a pp has said, nobody knows with any certainty what life will throw at them.

EBearhug · 18/01/2023 14:27

I would not put it in my profile. I would mention it early on.

I had a first date at the weekend. He is partially sighted. His profile does not say so. He said he mentioned it when chatting to one woman he matched, and she just blocked him. But if that's how someone reacts, would you want to be with them anyway?

I needed to know, because it means he can't drive, and that affects where we can meet. If we end up together, it means I accept I will be the only driver. I don't know the long term prognosis; it was the result of an accident. He could end up with much less sight than he has now. But I could also find out he's a complete bastard, it's too soon to know how it will end up, but at least I'm going in with my eyes open (even if he's got a white stick for crowds!)

Trust is hugely important and being told something like that further down the line might make me reconsider the whole thing, even if it doesn't affect you now.

If you're just going for a quick fling with no long term, then you probably don't need to mention it, unless it would affect you being able to get to a date.