To tell my mum the truth about the pain in the past

[Tryingtodobetter82]

I have extremely toxic parents, my dad left when I was 11 & I have seen him once since. I have nc with him now as he’s a narcissist.

My mum did the best she could when my dad left to make sure we had the necessities. But beyond that the pain of him leaving revolved around her, our pain and our cries for help (3 of us) were ignored. I only ever felt love from my Nan and never my dad or mum.

From 11yrs to 15yrs the following happened

• Moved schools (where I didn’t know anyone) was bullied, told my mum and she did nothing
• my dad left
• my mum remarried
• moved out of the only home I had ever known.

I developed bad OCD/depression at the time, which I have only just (last 4 years) have started to come to terms with.

My stepdad was horrible, barely made any effort to speak to me.
My mum would make jokes about me in front of his parents (calling me a tart at one point)
She would tell me to suck on in my stomach regularly (lifelong body image)
Around my wedding told me I would never be as slim as I was right now.

When I was 21 she moved 150 miles away because it was what my stepdad wanted.
she would visit 2 times a year (when they had events down here).
During this time I was diagnosed with epilepsy, I had 5 big seizures over 2 years and she never came to visit for any of them.
She referred to them as my fault (which they were, triggered by drinking - I was in complete denial)

Planning my wedding she came back twice over the course of a year.
My little girl was born and she stayed with me for 10 days and then she went to Spain for 8 weeks. I had serious PND and a ftm so desperately needed help. She apologised (but has since retracted this by saying “I need to live MY LIFE”). Never came to her 1st 3 birthday’s.
When my little boy was born, December 2021 we were in another wave of covid.
She planned a holiday returning less than 24 hours before my c section (she knew the date months before She booked the holiday) and was angry I asked her to stay away for 7 days. She didn’t meet him for a month, she went away again for his 1st birthday, and when asked “he won’t know I’m there anyway”.

All of her actions have repeatedly broken my heart but she still acts as though she is the hard done by one and I am cruel to her (I’m not, I just don’t speak to her that much on the phone & I find it really hard to be comfortable around her)

She is extremely judgemental and will make passive aggressive “jokes” about my parenting or my house.

I’m so sorry it’s so long. This is the tip of the iceberg. I don’t mean to drip feed but don’t want to bore.

The way I got relief from my feelings of disgust towards my father was to write a letter to him.
I have to let go of this built up hate I feel towards my mum, but you can see when she is here she does care about me. It’s just she doesn’t know half of the pain and disappointment she has caused. So I want to write a letter but I’m scared of hurting her.
My hope is that if she takes just a bit of responsibility through this letter then we can rebuild some kind of relationship.

wwyd?
Please be gentle, my mind has been going over this for 2 years and with my recent son’s birthday it’s brought it all back up again.

I wouldn't. I would lower my expectations and protect myself. She's unlikely to change.

I’m so sorry you’re having to process such a lot of trauma. Look up covert narcissism. Does your mum have any of those traits? From what you’ve said, she sounds a lot like a covert narcissist. Specifically search ‘covert narcissist mother’. It won’t change her but it may help you to see patterns of behaviour and why she puts her needs first. It’s an eye opener.

I personally would go NC to at least assert boundaries and go for minimal contact/grey rock approach. It’s hard to accept when a parent can not be who they are meant to be, and when that’s both of them, even harder. I’m so sorry 🫂

Posted too soon….More specifically, write the letter and bin it. Nothing at all will ever change, she will not be accountable for her actions and will likely never even try to maintain anything as it’s all about her.

Sorry you have to go through this
I tried to tell my controlling mother (now deceased) about how her behaviour affected me growing up and it was a waste of time and she managed to turn it round so it was all about her.
I wouldn't give yourself the pain.

Your Mum stayed with you for the first 10 days of your daughter's life which is a fantastic thing, as that rarely happens for most new mothers. Maybe she was trying to make up for her previous mistakes or maybe intentionally not.

You need to let go of the bitterness as it ends with you, you don't want to let it shape your daughter's life too. That doesn't mean forget your past, no one should do that, but create the new circumstances and explanations for your daughter to thrive in without bitterness.

Not understanding how hurt you are is one thing, but the criticisms and hurtful comments she makes just add to all that previous pain.

When my mother made comments about what I should be doing as a mother I just threw it back at her. Pointed out she was a terrible mother to me when I was young and had no right to try to "instruct" me. She told me "I want you to learn from my mistakes". I replied with "I already have, I lived through it. YOU do NOT get to tell me how to be a good mother."

you have certainly had it tough, and you should be so proud of everything that having come through all that you are still standing and have come so far.

you can't change your mum and you won't ever be able to adequately communicate what you want to. she is clearly both deeply flawed and deeply wounded, as are so many of us. deep down she probably has some idea of the magnitude of the pain she has caused you, but she also has her own pain, and she has found ways to process and justify and forgive herself, such that if you try to show her your wounds that will only trigger whatever self-defensive litany of justification she has built for that, she won't actually hear you.

as a pp says above, lower your expectations. she can't be the version of herself that you want her to be, and you can't change who she is with any amount of explaining.

accept the love and attention she is able to give, and don't expect more. give what love you can without hurting yourself. kiss goodbye to the dream of the supportive and helpful mum who will always be there for you.

What will you gain ?

You acknowledge that she did her best when she was also struggling no-one is perfect.

It certainly sounds like you've had a difficult childhood however your mum probably wasn't in a great place and once she picked up probably felt moving home (and school) was best for all. Those other remarks are a bit mean but could she just be a bit 'rough n ready' and have not meant to he hurtful?
I think your expecting of support as an adult are unrealistic. Your mum spent 10 days withbyou after your cnaby was born. I'm presuming she put her own life on hold for that, then she went on holiday. I think that's OK. I don't know where she lives but I wouldn't necessarily expect a grandmother who lived some distance to be there for children's birthdays (especially young ones) and I would expect her to adjust the date of her holiday to coincide with your C sectioning. You are presumably still with your husband. I'd be expecting him to be your main source of support.
Speak with your mum about how you feel but what do you hope to get? If its an apology or a change of personalty you're gonna be disappointed I'm fear. Concentrate on your own family and ensure your children feel secure and loved

I wouldn’t write anything.
I have a horrible mother and birth family. The details of my story are irrelevant. Toxic dysfunctional families rarely learn anything from being told the hurt they have caused. She has history of making pain all about her (when your dad left), so if you tell her she will likely make herself the victim and put all of the blame on you. People who are spiteful know they are spiteful. Telling her won’t change anything she has done to you and probably won’t change her. She is who she is.
Concentrate on you, I would lower contact with her and reduce contact with her.

Lower your expectations of her and reduce contact is what I meant.

Thank you for your feedback. The more I think of it, I don’t know if I expect anything. But having my “say” about the past generally gets rid of the bitterness and the pain it causes me.

I used to be so so bitter about my Dad and another person who abused me years later.
I wrote letters to them and asked them not to respond, and I was amazed how much better I finally felt after years of it eating at me.

I honestly didn’t mean to drip feed but I can 100% tell you she was horrible towards me, some more bits:

• we had a tough childhood and acted out in our teens, my stepdad (who never cared to spend any time with us). Shouted in my face for half an hour about my attitude (I was 12) and when I tried to get up and leave I was forcefully sat back down in the chair. i was terrified crying and crying out for my mum. When I was allowed to leave I saw my mum outside the door listening in and her face showed me she was happy with it.
• I was forced to walk home 3.5 miles at 8pm after I finished work(12 hour shift). Through two dodgy parks. Because she wouldn’t let me ask my Nan for £5 to let me get a taxi / bus. And she was too drunk to leave the house.
• I once brought a guy back to my house to hang out (he never came into my room). I didn’t know him that well but he forced me into the downstairs toilets and forced me to do sexual things to him. I was distraught and told my mum (overheard her say to my nan later that “Well I’ve told her before not to take men into her room” as though it was completely my fault. I had never took him or anyone else to my room.
• She stood in the door way to my room as my stepdad screamed in my face then grabbed my arm and shoved me into my desk. Then she left without checking on me. My brother did. A week later I moved out.

All of this eats at me and then she will make out she is perfect.
There is a lot of bitterness towards her, I can not imagine not seeing my children twice a year (for a few hours at a time). Saying I need to live my life (which is fine but most grandparents want their grandchildren in their lives).
I don’t know what I expect (if anything) but just I have had my voice that our childhood was not perfect (as she seems to believe it was) is a big thing for me.

thank you for all the messages about lowering even my lowest expectations for her. That mother daughter relationship will never be there, I am so so grateful to have a close relationship with my MIL or I would feel completely alone.
my husband is my main form of support but he doesn’t “get” these difficulties. 😔

A few things you mention are not unreasonable things in isolation. Her going on holiday, her being due home from holiday the day before your section and a few other things that stand out.

But a lot of it sounds shite as well. If it was me I'd want to talk it through with her, but some of it you'd need to accept is her living her life.

I'm also going to say to write the letter and burn it. A classic confrontation letter is to say what the person did and how you felt about it. Don't send it as all you'll get is a load of self-centered justification.

You might find the Stately Homes threads on the Relationships board helpful OP, lots of posters there who will understand completely and be able to support and advise you. I can't link since the 'MN upgrade' but the most recent one is titled 'November 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes' and is currently just over halfway down the first page of the board.

@Tryingtodobetter82
I think this is the latest Stately Homes thread;
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4660201-november-2022-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

I hold a lot of resentment against my mother. She took me away from all my friends when I was 11 and sent me to a different school in an unfamiliar town, completely against my will. I had to watch as all my primary school friends moved on and learned to interact with the opposite sex while I had an utterly miserable time in a same-sex school where people resented me from day one. Being shy and having come from a small village school I was totally ill-equipped but my mother never cared.

A few other comments she made stick with me to this day including telling me I'd "have been bullied wherever I went" and about a genetic health issue I was diagnosed with she said I'd "probably caused it myself" which alarmed me because it just confirmed she hadn't even googled the condition I was struggling with. She didn't even care about understanding it.

I was in my 30s before I fully realised all the impacts all of that had on my psyche and personality.

I still see my mother every week. I have no intention of bringing any of that shit up, because what good will it do? It'll just be more trauma. So she'll go to the grave without ever fully understanding what she put me through.

My mother has BPD is a vulnerable narcissist and even with the gentle guidance of her court appointed psychologist she refused admit fault for the harm she has done to people in her life.

There was a reason for everything and 'how dare she be ambushed with such unfounded allegations'. Then it was all about her and she revelled in the drama of it all.

So, write your letter and hold it in your heart. You need to seek a path through this for yourself that doesn't involve your mothers understanding or acceptance because, I'm sorry to say, its not coming. Ever.