Inviting children to a wedding

Deedippy · 2023-01-17T19:24:42+00:00

So we have finally decided to get married at the end of the year after many years together. Going for a medium size ish, not too formal wedding. So there will be children at our wedding, ours, nieces and nephews and also a few children of very close friends who we see frequently. My partner has quite a few friends that he doesn't see very often due to distance but that are good friends he has known for years and some of them have children, none of which we have ever met. So aibu to just invite the couples and not their children (none of them have more than one and all are under 3) I know it might not always be possible to get childcare or they may not want to come without but I know one couple will be quite happy to have a child free night away.

SummaLuvin · 17/01/2023 19:31

Like any choice with your wedding, such as date or location, some people will decide that it doesn't work for them and they won't attend. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to not invite these kids, but you have to be prepared for the invitation to be rejected for that reason. Especially given the distance it's not like they can get a childminder for a couple of hours and get back that night, so it would need to be more like an overnight with family or friends which is a bigger ask.

As an aside, I think 8 children were invited to my wedding, but as all the parents wanted a night off we didn't have a single one in attendance!

Original poster

Deedippy · 17/01/2023 19:36

@SummaLuvin I know my best friend/bridesmaid would happily ditch all 3 of her children and have a night off but sadly I'm quite fond of them all so want them there 🤣

Partner thinks we should invite the kids but knowing their situations I think they would probably be able to get overnight childcare and I think they would be quite up for coming with no children. Will work on my partner on this one

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OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 17/01/2023 19:39

We had 80 guests at ours. 14 were children, 9 were under 5.

I wouldn’t recommend it. Our wedding video was absolutely ruined by kids screaming (their parents didn’t think to take them out of the room 😡).

Forestwalks · 17/01/2023 19:46

It’s totally down to the couple getting married if they want children there or not it’s their day…but please don’t make it sound like you are doing them a favour by saying they can have a night off (personally hate that phrase) as for me its a lot more stressful to find childcare then to take them to the actual wedding.

I am one of them parents though that would make sure they didn’t interrupt the ceremony or pictures, or run around the venue etc sadly not all parents do the same and let their children ruin the couples special day.

BelleMarionette · 17/01/2023 19:52

Forestwalks · 17/01/2023 19:46

It’s totally down to the couple getting married if they want children there or not it’s their day…but please don’t make it sound like you are doing them a favour by saying they can have a night off (personally hate that phrase) as for me its a lot more stressful to find childcare then to take them to the actual wedding.

I am one of them parents though that would make sure they didn’t interrupt the ceremony or pictures, or run around the venue etc sadly not all parents do the same and let their children ruin the couples special day.

Yes, this!

Be honest and say for budget/capacity reasons you can only have family children, if that is your reason.

If you think your friends would prefer to come without kids then offer them the option, maybe they would choose not to bring them, but don't pretend you are doing them a favour by not inviting their kids.

I had a very close friend invite me to a wedding in the middle of nowhere on a week night. I couldn't make it because of this.

It's your prerogative not to invite, but many may not be able to come.

Mamaneedsadrink · 17/01/2023 19:55

Up to you and what your vision is. I didn't want children as I would've had 20 under 5's just in our immediate family. I didn't want children running around screaming and dancing on the dance floor. Tell everyone early on to save any drama. My cousins were all annoyed at the time (his family are nice and normal, so no fuss from them), but on the day everyone really enjoyed themselves and actually enjoyed themselves without their kids and didn't want the night to end. I'm so glad I didn't give into the pressure as it would've completely changed the vibe.

LCforlife · 17/01/2023 20:03

I think it's fine if you understand some might not want/be able to come.

Re your best friend, you might have been joking but if she genuinely doesn't want to bring her kids, don't make her. I can't think of anything worse and would happily go child free.

Walrus6 · 17/01/2023 20:04

You run the risk that these couples will see other children and wonder why theirs weren’t invited.

Zanatdy · 17/01/2023 20:06

Walrus6 · 17/01/2023 20:04

You run the risk that these couples will see other children and wonder why theirs weren’t invited.

those children are family / close friends so different.

2chocolateoranges · 17/01/2023 20:07

Personally I would always invite family children but not friends children unless they were mine or dh’s best friends .

Cats23 · 17/01/2023 20:08

We are just having our children, nieces and nephews- Total is 11.
I have close friends all with children, DP has only a few with children....but all understand their kids arnt invited.
I think its a bit unfair if you invite your close friends kids but Dp isnt having some of his close friends kids come too.

But your wedding your choice

I will say though- Id imagine most parents will love the child free day and night?

Original poster

Deedippy · 17/01/2023 20:08

Didn't intend to come across as not inviting their children was doing them a favour as certainly didn't mean it like that and certainly wouldn't put it like that to the parents. We don't have a limitless budget and do need to keep within a number limit

I think a few of you have highlighted what my concern is in that I don't know these children so don't know whether they will happily sit or be screaming and shouting in the ceremony etc. Actually I expect kids of that age to do a bit of screaming and shouting so it's probably more I don't know how their parents parent so would they take them out if they did get a bit too excitable or leave them shouting and screaming mid vows

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Mapletreelane · 17/01/2023 20:10

Completely up to you. We only invited children of close family, ie nieces and nephews and cousins, and babes in arms and stated the reason was numbers restraints (which was true).

Had no declines and a few comments about people looking forward to a night off. To be honest kids get really bored and parents are glad to have a night out.

I've always been exhausted when we have taken our kids to a wedding, and really enjoyed myself and let my hair down when we didn't!

waterrat · 17/01/2023 20:12

We said sorry family children only but rhen added that if anyone struggled for childcare we could fit their kids in. Only one couple asled and we did fit their kids in....

Tbh I felt sorry for people who brought kids they looked distracted and tired

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 17/01/2023 20:18

We were in a similar situation as a guest, we had a 1 yr old and wedding was 200 miles away. We had no one to watch him and the wedding invite wasn’t clear/we weren’t sure if they knew we had a son lol (I can’t quite remember).

So we messaged to ask which in its self felt a bit weird because we wanted to ask if he could come but not make them feel like we were making them invite him etc (hubby’s friend so I would have traveled down with him and just not attended the wedding).

They we’re happy to have us all there and because he was so small no extra preparations were needed (he ate some of our food/no place setting for him etc). It was such a gorgeous wedding and so lovely to spend time with old friends.

I think just be really clear on their invites if you decided not to allow their kids just to save any confusion.

TeaAndBrie · 17/01/2023 20:30

We did something similar and wrote ‘children by invitation only’ so it was explicit from the outset.
your wedding, your way

Dacadactyl · 17/01/2023 20:42

YANBU.

The only thing I would say is that if any of them have babies, they may not want to come. A friend of mine was BF and asked another friend if she could bring baby to his wedding, otherwise she wouldn't have been able to attend. He said yes.

Just be prepared that they may not come if the kids are very small.

Lkydfju · 17/01/2023 20:46

Obviously it’s your wedding and you can do what you want but in my experience you need to either be totally child free or all children otherwise you’ll cause offence and it would feel pretty rubbish for someone to come by themselves because their partner had to stay at home with the kids to then find that kids are there.
If people would rather come without kids then they will whether you invite their children or not

SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2023 21:47

Deedippy · 17/01/2023 19:36

@SummaLuvin I know my best friend/bridesmaid would happily ditch all 3 of her children and have a night off but sadly I'm quite fond of them all so want them there 🤣

Partner thinks we should invite the kids but knowing their situations I think they would probably be able to get overnight childcare and I think they would be quite up for coming with no children. Will work on my partner on this one

Then if they're so keen to ditch the kids,. they would. I think not inviting your H2bs friends kids but inviting your own is a bit off tbh. It will def put some couple off coming and for what? Because you don't know their 2 yo very well??

Original poster

Deedippy · 17/01/2023 23:11

So the non related children aren't just my friends children they are friends of both of ours. Families we go on holiday with and have even celebrated Christmas with so are very much part of mine and partners life.

It's 4 couples all with one child so think we will go with just couples but partner will chat with them after invites are sent and if it is a childcare issue then we can be absolutely try and make sure they can come

Actually just realised we went to two of their weddings before they had children and ours wasn't invited so think maybe I'm over thinking this.

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mondaytosunday · 17/01/2023 23:17

I'd only invite children I know and wanted there (though can't be much fun for the parents who have to mind them the whole time and then leave early).
I don't quite understand the obsession with having kids at weddings - they get bored and fidgety and fed up with trying to keep their nice clothes clean and behave.
I wouldn't be offended at all if someone just invited me and not my kids.

UsingChangeofName · 17/01/2023 23:22

It's your wedding, so you can invite who you want to.

It seems perfectly reasonable to me not to invite dc you don't even know however there is something very annoying about all the favours you use up by someone having your dc for you - possibly for 36 hours or so - and then having to spend the day with quite a lot of other people's small dc.
If you are calling in favours to go for a child free wedding, or a wedding where just the dc of the B&G are invited, fair enough, but if there will be quite a lot of other dc there, then I think it will be ..... disappointing ...for the guests who have travelled some distance and gone to the hassle of getting their dc looked after.

Mamaneedsadrink · 18/01/2023 00:31

UsingChangeofName · 17/01/2023 23:22

It's your wedding, so you can invite who you want to.

It seems perfectly reasonable to me not to invite dc you don't even know however there is something very annoying about all the favours you use up by someone having your dc for you - possibly for 36 hours or so - and then having to spend the day with quite a lot of other people's small dc.
If you are calling in favours to go for a child free wedding, or a wedding where just the dc of the B&G are invited, fair enough, but if there will be quite a lot of other dc there, then I think it will be ..... disappointing ...for the guests who have travelled some distance and gone to the hassle of getting their dc looked after.

This is a crazy attitude. Glad you're not my friend. Surely if you invited everyone's children, then it would be more like a kids party not a wedding?

Original poster

Deedippy · 18/01/2023 09:33

Also the non family children that are invited are one 5 year old but the rest are 10+. Also all family children will be 5+ so no babies and toddlers.

Decision made. Yes it would nice to give parents the option but will go for just inviting parents but know this means some may not be able to come.

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MyNameisMathilda · 18/01/2023 09:37

Just been to a wedding and children ruined the ceremony coughing and crying over the vows. Couple are going to be gutted when they see the video.