Feel like I will never drive

[Cinammonroll]

I didn't get on well with manual, failed many times (i mean almost 10). Had a long break from driving and I tried again yesterday in an automatic.
Spent the entire 2 hour lesson practicing left turns as I just couldn't get them right, with positioning, steering and general panicking.
I managed to get a few good steers at the end, but felt embarrassed.
Partner was laughing when I told him saying how on earth can I not do left steers it's so easy.
Hopefully I'll improve with lessons, but I'm not sure.
I worry I'll never drive. It's not the end of the world if I don't, but it'd make day to day life a lot easier if I could and improve job prospects a lot.
I see it a lot on here, that most posters wouldn't date a male who couldn't drive and see driving as a 'basic life skill' that everyone should be able to achieve. Thankfully I'm not male so hopefully less taboo.

Learning to drive is incredibly difficult.

It sounds like you need to go right back to basics. I think you’d be better going with a driving instructor as they’ll be more patient and won’t laugh at you like your DP did. Him behaving that way is only going to knock your confidence more.

I know you said you didn’t get on with a manual, but personally I think it’s better to learn in a manual and then you when you pass you can drive both manual and automatic.

At some point it just clicks. It all makes sense. With me it was understanding and being comfortable controlling the biting point and when my instructor said “listen to the engine”. I started listening to the engine and then the gears made more sense. It clearly hasn’t clicked for you yet. Try a different instructor to the one you had last time. You need to find one whose teaching style suits you.

Her boyfriend was laughing at her when she got home, I don't think he should sit in the back personally.

Great suggestion though 🤔

I second this, intensive course is difficult, but its done in a week. The more you think about it, the harder it is.

It took me ages to learn, OP. You just need lots of practice in a low-stress environment.

If your boyfriend is not capable of being supportive of you then you may not be in the right relationship.

Am I right in my understanding that yesterday was your first lesson since having a long break? If so I think its a bit harsh people are suggesting you give up.

It sounds like you've put a lot of pressure on yourself and you're dealing with an unsupportive partner which won't help.

How did you get on with the instructor yesterday? I had 2 driving instructors - my first one was pants, made my nerves worse and I made very little progress. Second instructor was way better and I passed after about 25 hours with him. If you didn't click with the instructor is it worth looking into whether there are any instructors near you who specialise in nervous drivers?

There is also a service near us called young drivers which gives lessons in a big field to 10-17 year olds in a very low pressure environment to help grow their confidence ahead of being old enough to learn how to drive. DS has been to a couple of driving experiences there and I have never seen any of them driving badly or not enjoying it. Is it worth seeing if there is a company with a similar offering for adults near you? I was terrified when I first started learning and couldn't understand why everyone who drove was so relaxed about driving. It made it so much worse being on the road to the point that my second instructor did my first three lessons in a massive empty car park to take the pressure off.

Why not get the feel of steering by doing some driving off the road. Maybe some fun go karting and a track experience aimed at people who don't drive.

Steering tends to be a handeye co-ordination thing that can be improved with practice but playing with it off road will be less stressful and the instructors are likely to have a different approach to a driving school.

Can you ride a bike? Do you ride on the road? This can help too. You could also consider doing CBT and getting a moped to get you mobile and then go back to cars when you have got the hang of riding on the road.

How old are you? It does take longer the older you are, I think. I learned on automatic when I was 31 - it took me 5 goes to pass. Ironically I could have passed first time but failed on something totally avoidable and simple - rolling slightly over the line at some red lights when I didn't want to stop too suddenly. In the end I'm glad I had the extra time, I was more ready to be on the road by the time I'd taken the 5th test.

I was also nervous about road positioning etc, but you do get it after a few lessons.

@Princesspollyyy perhaps it's reasonable to give him a second chance, otherwise the OP is going to find it hard (or expensive) to get more practice in. But you're quite right, that if he doesn't get over his attitude then he isn't the right person to help, fair point.

You must have been able to turn left at some point otherwise you wouldn't have been put in for the numerous tests that you say you have previously failed. What caused you to fail those tests?

@RoseslnTheHospital nobody is mocking.

Left turns really are the basics. When doing right turns, in the UK, you have to cross a line of traffic. Hence right hand turns are harder. Nobody was being disingenuous when asking what the issue was with left hand turns.

It took me ages to learn how to drive, OP. Started off learning manual, struggled so much and changed to automatic. Passed my test 3rd time a few months ago and now happily pottering around in my car. There’s plenty of automatic cars out there so don’t let that put you off. Keep going and you’ll get there

Learning to drive his hard.

I tried learning in a manual and just didn’t get on with it. I wasn’t helped by so many arsehole instructors though (one of whom was actually dangerous and would grab the wheel and yank on it claiming I was about to do something dangerous when I wasn’t. She’d then apologise but by the end my confidence was shot to pieces and I gave up).

I then took a long break of about 3 years and tried again in an automatic. It took a few lessons to get it but once I did it was easy. Don’t give up op. Take your time learning and build up your confidence. Take some Calms beforehand and don’t be pushed into doing things you’re not ready for (one of the things my manual instructors kept doing). I think I only needed 22 lessons in an Auto before I took my test and passed first time.

Your partner laughing at you is probably half the problem. I'd go out with someone else or an instructor in future.

@brummiechummie I'm aware of that, having been driving in the uk for many years. The OP has had a long break from driving and is clearly pretty low in confidence, hence finding her first lesson back behind the wheel tricky. I have a lot of empathy with that, as I had a long break having started to learn in my mid 20s but having a 10 year break before giving it another go and passing my test.

No wonder you can't learn if you have a dick for a partner who laughs at you.

My dh was afraid of learning. Too embarrassed to go to a driving instructor when he was about 25. Had never driven and had no idea what any part of the car did. I taught him myself as I had been driving since I was 17. I took him to a quiet area, nobody there and we went every day for 3 weeks. After that, he felt confident enough to go to a driving instructor, who finished the job. He's now been driving 20 years.

I would say that with driving lessons only and no practice, it will be a lot harder. Practice is what is needed. Of course, you may be someone for whom it just doesn't happen. But I would doubt this at this stage because you have a partner who laughs at you and you were embarrassed with the instructor. Nobody can learn easily under those conditions.

I found learning to drive incredibly difficult and it took me seven attempts to pass my test. For me it was like trying to pat my head and rub my stomach at the same time.

My advice would be to have professional lessons and change to an automatic. Not having to worry about changing gear and clutch control takes so much pressure off. You will do it, the penny will suddenly drop and then your confidence will grow. Don’t give up.

Stick at it. DD is currently learning in an automatic and struggling with it. I'm not a natural driver either, I started in my teens, failed a couple of tests, then eventually stated again and passed in my 30s. I'm a confident driver now, but it did take years to get that experience, and I still find it a chore.

It took me over a decade, 5 instructors and god knows how many tests to finally pass!
In the end I told no one I was even learning so no one asked me how it went! SO in my mind it didn't matter either. That seemed to do the trick.

It took me a few lessons to get the hang of steering! But if you’ve got to the point where a manual instructor has let you go to test ten times, then there is no chance you actually have a problem with very basic steering in an automatic. This sounds more like a mental block where you need to build confidence.

Please don't be hard on yourself. There's a lot involved in steering and correctly positioning a vehicle that is unfamiliar to you.

Learning to drive now is more difficult than it used to be (a lot more "theory" to learn, more traffic on the roads etc.) and you are held to a high standard as a learner (rightly so!) so don't worry too much if there is a lot of repetition of even basic things, your instructor will probably want to make sure you have the techniques right from the outset.

I got my provisional licence when I turned 17. I passed my test in 2021 aged 37. I had about 750 million hours instruction time, 4 billion hours private practice and I struggled to 'get it'..... or so I thought. I actually got the driving perfectly well, but my confidence would not allow me to believe I did! I refused to take a driving test until January 2020, despite my instructor (11th instructor) telling me I was ready and a good driver. I buggered the first one up, I buggered the second one up and because I was so frightened of the actual tests I actually became an insomniac- I would lay in the night going over and over really simple manoeuvres in my head. I ended up on citalopram and polypropylene to control my anxiety! When the third test came around I had made a promise to myself that I wouldn't internally bully myself, I wouldn't call myself names and I would drive along saying 'you can drive, you can drive'. That little bit of confidence enabled me to chat to the examiner, understand that her instructions were really quite simple and that if I failed I wouldn't be flogged by the Queen in trafalgar square!

Your OP is full of you talking yourself down, stop it! Turning left is the easiest of things and I think really, you know that but your head is building it into something bigger than what it actually is. Go on some really quite roads, drive round industial estates on a quiet Sunday and stop telling yourself that you can't do it. I couldn't walk when I was born either but I picked that up in time!

Also, don't get in with your boyfriend - there is nothing worse to dent your confidence. I refuse to drive with my husband in the car because as lovely as he usually is he's a massive prick as a passenger!

You bloody well did.

Ooh, sorry OP, I really don't understand. It being horrible or anything but how on Earth can you not just turn the wheel?

That is about as passive aggressively mocking as you can get.

Reflect a little on what you did there?

I was going to come on here to provide encouragement and share my experience. Took me three tests and two years (stopping and starting lessons). But I got there in the end, 27 years ago now.

But you do appear to be particularly challenged by driving and yes, maybe this isn’t something you were destined to do. I don’t understand what you mean by not being able to turn left, you turn the wheel. I particularly do not understand how you have had ten tests but yet still cannot turn the car left. Who put you in for these tests? Did the examiners not stop the test more or less straight away when they saw you couldn’t turn left?

I don’t think it was mocking or passive aggressive. It is very difficult to understand what Op means by not being able to turn left.

I've had lessons in the past but have made the decision to not drive. I live somewhere that has all I need, good transport links to the nearest city. The main reason, however, is that I know I'd get lazy. Mum passed her test on her mid 50s and proceeded to drive everywhere. She's now 80 with very poor mobility and severe spinal osteoporosis. I'm keeping my bones strong and my body moving.