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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these questions are inappropriate?

50 replies

ButterflyGildedWings · 17/01/2023 15:06

Apprentice who’s just joined and in their first job.

They’ve asked me questions such as “am I dating anyone” and if my handbag was a fake. They also took a photo of me in work without my permission which made me very uncomfortable.

Reading that back it sounds like flirting but it’s definitely not, as presumably she’s straight as she has a long term boyfriend.

OP posts:
KSAM · 17/01/2023 15:09

Asking if you're dating sounds like chit chat, if you're not happy with the conversation tell them. Asking if your bag is fake is rude, and taking a photo without your permission is unacceptable and I would want to know what they intended to do with the photo

NoseyNellie · 17/01/2023 15:13

The photo without your permission thing is not on and you can just explain to her it’s not appropriate - other than that, if she is young and in her first job then she is just naive and doesn’t know any better.

I would say asking if you are single/dating is a very normal office chat thing and if you’re uncomfortable with it then ok, you can tell her you don’t want to talk about it but she’s done nothing wrong or unusual. The fake bag comment I would have found hilarious! Is it fake?! Tactless perhaps but again, no harm, no foul.

Fascinated that you would jump to ‘flirting’ - are you not used to interacting with your colleagues?

Seeline · 17/01/2023 15:14

Sounds like someone very young, not used to a work environment, trying to find their feet.

I think you can help by guiding them with your responses/reaction. Tell them if they ask something inappropriate or do something that isn't acceptable and explain why.

123rd · 17/01/2023 15:16

Doesn't sound like flirting to me!
Agree with Nellie. The photo thing, tell them it's not on. The bag & dating questions I don't see any harm in those

Original poster
ButterflyGildedWings · 17/01/2023 15:18

NoseyNellie · 17/01/2023 15:13

The photo without your permission thing is not on and you can just explain to her it’s not appropriate - other than that, if she is young and in her first job then she is just naive and doesn’t know any better.

I would say asking if you are single/dating is a very normal office chat thing and if you’re uncomfortable with it then ok, you can tell her you don’t want to talk about it but she’s done nothing wrong or unusual. The fake bag comment I would have found hilarious! Is it fake?! Tactless perhaps but again, no harm, no foul.

Fascinated that you would jump to ‘flirting’ - are you not used to interacting with your colleagues?

Sigh … I only included the flirting part as anyone reading this might assume if someone asked if you were single and took your photo that without further context could sound like someone might be flirting.

Therefore I wanted to highlight it definitely was not. Crazy I’ve had to dumb that down for you.

OP posts:
Original poster
ButterflyGildedWings · 17/01/2023 15:19

123rd · 17/01/2023 15:16

Doesn't sound like flirting to me!
Agree with Nellie. The photo thing, tell them it's not on. The bag & dating questions I don't see any harm in those

Oh ffs I never said it was flirting.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 17/01/2023 15:19

ButterflyGildedWings · 17/01/2023 15:18

Sigh … I only included the flirting part as anyone reading this might assume if someone asked if you were single and took your photo that without further context could sound like someone might be flirting.

Therefore I wanted to highlight it definitely was not. Crazy I’ve had to dumb that down for you.

Show quote history

Maybe she was just responding to your warm and friendly demeanour?

IDontWantToBeAPie · 17/01/2023 15:19

The first one is just casual conversation tbh. The second two are a bit rude but not sackable. I'd just say not to take photos of people at work please - if she's very young they likely think nothing of it as they're so used to constantly using their phones for stuff.

Original poster
ButterflyGildedWings · 17/01/2023 15:20

NoseyNellie · 17/01/2023 15:13

The photo without your permission thing is not on and you can just explain to her it’s not appropriate - other than that, if she is young and in her first job then she is just naive and doesn’t know any better.

I would say asking if you are single/dating is a very normal office chat thing and if you’re uncomfortable with it then ok, you can tell her you don’t want to talk about it but she’s done nothing wrong or unusual. The fake bag comment I would have found hilarious! Is it fake?! Tactless perhaps but again, no harm, no foul.

Fascinated that you would jump to ‘flirting’ - are you not used to interacting with your colleagues?

No the bag is very much real. I’ve also seen someone carrying around a blatant fake at work but why would I call it out? To embarrass them? No I’m not that way inclined.

OP posts:
IDontWantToBeAPie · 17/01/2023 15:21

In response to t bag question I'd have just said 'no it's not... I don't buy fakes they're unethical'.

Original poster
ButterflyGildedWings · 17/01/2023 15:21

Hoppinggreen · 17/01/2023 15:19

Maybe she was just responding to your warm and friendly demeanour?

Show quote history

I don’t need to be warm and friendly at work. I’m in a professional setting.

OP posts:
AffIt · 17/01/2023 15:22

If they are very young and this is their first experience in the workplace, it may be that they just don't know how to behave appropriately.

If you are older / more experienced (and comfortable with doing this), then you can help steer them to better behaviours - 'light touch' to begin with is generally best, followed by a firmer / more formal 'that's not on, you're in the office now'.

If you're not comfortable with doing this yourself, then have a brief chat with their line manager / apprenticeship coordinator.

Everybody has to learn!

SleeplessInEngland · 17/01/2023 15:22

The first two questions are fine. Photo taking is weird.

ElfHasBeenSilly · 17/01/2023 15:24

ButterflyGildedWings · 17/01/2023 15:18

Sigh … I only included the flirting part as anyone reading this might assume if someone asked if you were single and took your photo that without further context could sound like someone might be flirting.

Therefore I wanted to highlight it definitely was not. Crazy I’ve had to dumb that down for you.

Show quote history

Your response is aggressive and frankly quite weird. Posters are responding to you in good faith. Why are you being rude?

GreenWheat · 17/01/2023 15:25

Photo - no. Handbag and dating, just conversation. Maybe asking if the bag is fake was slightly tactless, but she will learn to rephrase with experience.

Coffeeandchocs · 17/01/2023 15:26

ButterflyGildedWings · 17/01/2023 15:21

I don’t need to be warm and friendly at work. I’m in a professional setting.

Show quote history

Have you thought that maybe she feels intimidated by you? Sometimes when nervous people ask quite strange things in panic to try to make conversation.
You have responded to replies in quite a blunt way and if you’re like that IRL that might explain it.

Emmamoo89 · 17/01/2023 15:28

YANBU

SnowyPetals · 17/01/2023 15:29

OP, you're coming across as quite difficult to chat to, maybe she was scrabbling around for something to say? As for saying you don't need to be friendly at work, maybe the new starter is very much picking up on this vibe?

ThreeblackCats · 17/01/2023 15:29

Maybe you scare her op!
you’re not really coming across as a very nice or friendly person. I’m old, but I remember how scary rey it is when I started my first ever job whilst I was still in college.

I often put my foot in my mouth, scary people made me even worse.

AFS1 · 17/01/2023 15:30

What was the context of the photo being taken? Is it definitely of you, not just her taking a photo of her new place of work?
I agree that if it’s a photo of you without your consent, that is unacceptable, but maybe she hasn’t been in a professional setting before. If you’re senior to her, it might be worth just explaining that she shouldn’t take photos of colleagues without their consent.

YourGazeHitsTheSideOfMyFace · 17/01/2023 15:30

Talk to her about it! I mentor apprentices and several of our early conversations each year are about what is and isn’t appropriate in the workplace, cause they don’t have enough experience to know. We help them get established in the work world in all sorts of ways. The photo and the question about dating would be a definite no no, and I’d talk about why - especially with the dating thing, which could force people to out themselves or talk about a difficult subject if they’re in an unhappy relationship or recently bereaved for instance. Explaining, rather than just taking the huff, is best, because it means they don’t do it again.

I would try to unclench a bit about things like the bag, though - sounds to me like you were a bit touchy about it. I would probably have laughed and said that was inappropriate to ask, but since she did, no, it’s real. It’s not a slight on you.

Honestly, at this age and stage they are very green to the ways of the world, and it’s good practice to help them find their feet in any way we can. I never ascribe to unkindness what can be explained by ignorance.

Dixiechickonhols · 17/01/2023 15:31

First job will be navigating her way. Part of workplace etiquette is for older to guide younger.
Dating I’d put as chit chat. Bag / why do you ask or say it’s real. Photo I wouldn’t like maybe tell her if there’s a policy or just don’t take pics in office

AdoraBell · 17/01/2023 15:34

Is this her first job? If so then she could be naive and not used to be speaking with adults. That said I was astonished at a well educated colleague, been with company for five years, asking our boss if she knew that her bag was last season

Miala · 17/01/2023 15:34

Asking about dating sounds like a young person's take on "have you got a family?" Maybe not perfect etiquette but we're not all born with perfect conversation skills for every new environment and person. Give her time (and stop her taking photos of you!)

tuvamoodyson · 17/01/2023 15:37

I was in a professional setting at work. I managed to be friendly towards my colleagues.