Hi, I've posted twice about banning a racist relative from our house. We didn't say we could never be in her company again - although that's obviously what we would prefer - just that we can't host a racist in our house because we feel that would make us complicit.
These are the old posts, if you are interested enough to need more context!
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4452227-To-ban-racist-relative-from-my-house?flipped=1 and www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4564615-racist-relative-told-not-welcome-in-my-house-now-what
We're now at an impasse...the racist has banned my father-in-law from visiting us anymore since she's not welcome. She hasn't been interested in visiting for the last ten years, mostly as we weren't an easy cash grab for her. We arranged to speak to my FIL privately so he could decide how to manage things, but she listened in on his phone conversation and it blew up.
Now, my sister-in-law knows about the whole situation, and although she hasn't been especially supportive, she does agree that it's wrong for my father-in-law to be banned from visiting.
Of course, the racist has tried to pin it all on me, as I expect she knows that going up against her husband's son could backfire on her. As I feared, she has turned herself into the victim, and made me the perpetrator. She expected to be able to send a fake apology and snap, she would be allowed to stay in our house again. We said no, it's not as simple as that. I really don't know why she wants to see us, knowing how we feel about her.
We sent a letter outlining why an apology isn't appropriate in this situation - we're not the victims of her racism - and also mentioned other things my FIL complains about when he visits - her selfishness, wild spending (his money) and control over his life. Now, we're apparently in the wrong for simply reiterating his complaints, we've apparently broken up the family, made the racist feel suicidal etc.
My husband has been really disappointed by his dad's reaction and feels the ball is in his court, to tell his wife he's coming to see us and she has no right to ban him. This however, has been going on for 6 months now. Not seeing his dad, who had cancer a few years ago, is having a hugely detrimental effect on my husband's mental health and I'm really concerned. His dad is 80 this year and I don't know if we can rely on him to summon the courage to ever stand up to her, he never has done in the past, on anything else.
I know that standing up to a racist was the right thing to do. But, I still feel responsible for this mess and want my husband to be able to see his dad, and of course I want to see him too, I love him very much. Is it unreasonable for me to continue to push to resolve the situation, or do I just let it go?