Racist relative told not welcome in my house - now what?

[jazzchilli]

Hi, I posted here a few months ago about my father in law's racist wife and how to navigate the situation - www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4452227-To-ban-racist-relative-from-my-house?flipped=1

Things came to a head when my father in law announced they were coming to stay for a week, and complained that we didn't send her anything for her birthday (we never have done). My husband told his dad why.

She has admitted to the racism and he wants her to apologise to me and seems to think that will make everything alright. The racism isn't the only issue with her but it's all in the previous thread so I won't bore you again!

I don't feel it's appropriate for her to apologise to me - as a white woman - for her racism, I can't accept on behalf of all the people she's discriminated against. We also still don't want her in our house. My father in law has always visited us on his own for nearly 10 years, so we don't see why we can't just continue with that arrangement. She says she needs her own room and we only have one spare room.

So, is this unreasonable of me? Do I have to play happy families just because she says sorry and probably doesn't mean it? Allegedly she has reformed her views but we're not convinced.

Hiya! I was racist but I'm not any more! Can I come and stay now?

Quite easy to say really isn't it. Certainly a lot easier than completely losing presumably engrained beliefs honed over a lifetime.

You don't have to play happy families. Don't give her a second thought but do think about what you want your relationship (and your husband's) with your FIL to look like.

Well you dont have room for them do you - as she insists on having a room to herself - easy!

God no, do not have this woman to stay. If she really has "reformed" then they can stay at a hotel and you can see what her behaviour now is like before you commit to having her in the future. But I very much doubt she's truly seen the error of her ways. And the racism is just one issue of many. Just keep repeating, "No, that doesn't work for us!". Don't give them an excuse or they'll find a way to get around it as they have with the supposed apology.

Don't allow them to just invite themselves to yours, tell them it doesn't suit you. Let your husband visit them at their house. Why put up with this nonsense?

Do people (even family?) really 'announce' that they are coming to stay? Surely most people wait for an invitation. Your DH needs to say ' that's not convenient'. If he wants to maintain the relationship with his Dad surely he can visit them in their home.... or if you really want to compromise send a list of hotels nearby.

Oh yes, people most definitely do announce they are coming - sometimes they even announce that other people - more distant relatives or their friends - are coming! And it takes a degree of maturity and bloody mindedness in the face of such brazen cheeky fuckery to say, um, nope, sorry, you're not!

I'd just be saying, 'sorry, no room at the inn, you might want to check out nearby airbnbs that are more to you and your not so dear lady's taste.

Well done for sticking to your guns. You are showing it is not OK.

She is welcome to book a b&b.

FIL is talking about showing 'forgiveness', but it wasn't even using outdated language, it was really vicious stuff. From their swift response, I suspect this may have happened with other people.

Yes, FIL is the main concern. My husband has always shielded him from any inconvenience which is why this has gone on for so long.

I don't think I could ever be comfortable around her, so my FIL is concerned that we'll never be all together as a family. I suppose I would just be left out of things - that tend to take place at my sister in law's house - unless it was with my MIL and her husband instead of FIL and the witch. These events are few and far between though.

"I apologise for letting you see I'm a racist. I'm coming to visit you and l'll try to hide it". Nope, that wouldn't work for me.

Tell him you will not gloss over her racist attitude and no, she isn't welcome. He can choose to come alone or not at all.

Tell him you aren't a frigging guest house...

I read your original thread at the time

apart from the racism, she sounds awful. I wouldn't want her in my home. Then again, she'd not come due to my skin colour!

When you say she’s a racist, does she sit spouting it or what? Just curious really.

She doesn’t sounds like she’s worth your time or space. An apology from a woman with a 20+ year history of racism is meaningless when it comes with a request for something from you.

Stand your ground. She’s told you who she is. You’ve told her you won’t accept it. Why change your mind now? Your FIL can come alone again.

(And the cheek of demanding that he sleep on the floor, not her!)

The first time I stayed at their house she took me aside and told me exactly how she felt about non-white people and interrogated me about my involvement with them. It was really shocking, I couldn't repeat any of it. Since then she weaves a racist rant into most conversations, as if she's testing us. She really doesn't have any other topics, unless she's fishing for cash.

My husband is now meeting up with FIL on his own. I wasn't excluded but we felt it would be better for me not to go this time. She probably wouldn't allow FIL to go if I was going to be there anyway.

She has always had an obsessive interest in our house, to the point that when we took FIL to see it before we moved in, he started designating rooms she would use.

We think he may have oversold the idea that if anything happened to him we would look after her/give her money. That was never going to happen, so nothing has actually changed. But I think it may be partly behind the big grand apology gesture. She's panicking.

I remember your previous posts, OP. She sounds utterly vile.

It really boils down to it being your house and if you don't want her in it then she shouldn't be coming, 'apology' or not.

FIL saying he won't come without her is just emotional blackmail.

Now what... she doesn't come to your home.

Thats what.

You don't go to hers, fair enough and if you both happen to be in the same place and someone else is hosting, be civil for the hosts sake, but ignore her as much as is possible within that framework (ideally, don't go but sometimes that isn't possible).

You owe her nothing, she has no rights to your home or your time, you're not stopping your DP from seeing his DF, he can see them both in their home or his DF alone at yours.

I remember your earlier post, and to be honest you've plenty of reasons not to allow her into your house - being a racist is only one of them.
I'd say stick to your guns. She's only apologising now because she wants something. Words are easy, how will she demonstrate by actions that she's changed?

Your response is perfectly reasonable. One thoughtless comment ten years ago might be forgivable, but consistent and continuous racism not.

Absolutely YANBU. It doesn't matter if she apologises for saying racist things. She's still a massive racist, and I would not have her in my house, ever.