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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To demand teenage son home.

37 replies

littlevills · 16/01/2023 21:05

If you have passed every parenting assessment, social services and school are backing you, but your 14 year old wants to stay in care that he was placed into voluntarily due to his extreme behaviours. AIBU to fight this.

The documents state there is no reason why the child cannot return to mums care apart from his preference that care is ‘an easier life, you get cool stuff’

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 16/01/2023 21:07

Does the state really pay to keep children in care just because "they prefer it"? It's so expensive for a child to be in a placement!

What does the SW say about it?

Original poster
littlevills · 16/01/2023 21:09

It has to go to court. It’s happening soon and I’m scared that they’ll agree he can choose to stay in care.

OP posts:
PollyEsther · 16/01/2023 21:12

Kindly, OP. If his behaviours are that bad would it really be wise? Do you have other DC’s needs to consider too?

Dacadactyl · 16/01/2023 21:12

Ok thanks. I'm not sure what I think tbh.

How long has he been looked after? What were his extreme behaviours and what strategies have you learned to help you cope with them, if he should return home?

lifeinthehills · 16/01/2023 21:13

That must be so hurtful, OP. I'm sorry.

How old is the teen? Younger teen, I'd be inclined to tell them that they have to come home and, while I can't give them all the stuff, I can give them love. One day they will understand. Do you think he's said that to try to manipulate you into providing 'cool stuff' to compete?

If an older teen, I'd be tempted to tell him he can choose 'stuff' or to come home, up to him, but he'd also have the full consequences of that as they arose. He wants something from me that I don't want to do, nope, ask carers.

Original poster
littlevills · 16/01/2023 21:13

Yes. I do have younger children too. I have spent the year he has been in care learning every aspect of therapeutic parenting with the reparative care team.

OP posts:
lifeinthehills · 16/01/2023 21:14

littlevills · 16/01/2023 21:13

Yes. I do have younger children too. I have spent the year he has been in care learning every aspect of therapeutic parenting with the reparative care team.

Then this is a valid consideration. Is it better for him to stay in care for the other children? Do they even get a choice to stay in care if it's not needed? You know the situation and your family and children best, OP. It must be a hard decision.

Original poster
littlevills · 16/01/2023 21:16

He was breaking curfew from the age of 11, ended up with a group of older boys who were drug takers and was found with class A drugs on himself at the age of 12. He didn’t take them but did and does still use cannabis. He would have screaming lash outs if he couldn’t access this group of people. Would climb up high buildings. The icing on the cake that got care wanting
him to go in voluntarily was auto erotic asphyxiation which school said they’d heard him discussing but this later turned out to be untrue

OP posts:
Original poster
littlevills · 16/01/2023 21:17

A lot of theft and crimes for carrying a Stanley blade and tools etc. At one point he was just getting arrested daily so lots of random offences some of which were something and nothing

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 16/01/2023 21:17

If he’s still using drugs are you sure you want him around your other children?

I understand you want him home but are you sure that’s best for everyone?

Skyeheather · 16/01/2023 21:19

Are the carer's he's with now happy to keep him until he's 18, otherwise he could get moved at some point in the future to somewhere that's not so good?

What is the "cool stuff" he's referring to? DSIS is a foster carer and she treats the kids she gets same as her own (as much as she can), they are treated as part of the family so they don't get given stuff all the time.

Maybe you should give him more time, to decide to come home in his own time.

Original poster
littlevills · 16/01/2023 21:19

He is a cannabis user. It isn’t something I’d particularly want around my children but if I agree to him staying in care then I’m giving up on him. It is so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlevills · 16/01/2023 21:20

New trainers if attends school for 3 half days, is able to barter with group care staff regarding school hours.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 16/01/2023 21:21

Personally I would wait until he wants to come home he clearly hasn't changed and could potentially kick off making your life a misery if you force him home

watchfulwishes · 16/01/2023 21:21

littlevills · 16/01/2023 21:19

He is a cannabis user. It isn’t something I’d particularly want around my children but if I agree to him staying in care then I’m giving up on him. It is so hard.

You are not giving up on him if he stays in care of his own choice. He is making a choice.

I think him being away from the other children if he is a drug user is not a negative.

Original poster
littlevills · 16/01/2023 21:22

It’s kind of a now or never as legally it has to be a completed case. If I agree social services will get a community parenting order which gives them 50% of PR.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 16/01/2023 21:22

littlevills · 16/01/2023 21:20

New trainers if attends school for 3 half days, is able to barter with group care staff regarding school hours.

That's not sustainable they are setting you up for failing here

Dacadactyl · 16/01/2023 21:22

littlevills · 16/01/2023 21:20

New trainers if attends school for 3 half days, is able to barter with group care staff regarding school hours.

That is ludicrous.

I feel for you OP. I would be so torn because I agree it's like you're giving up on him. What do the rest of your family and friends think?

Original poster
littlevills · 16/01/2023 21:24

I just feel the carers aren’t best equipped either. If I was told as a parent my child was a flight risk and responded as the carers have below, it surely would be cause for concern.

To demand teenage son home.
OP posts:
LadyJ2023 · 16/01/2023 21:24

You are not giving up on him. The best thing was for him to go in care with all those problems and that makes you a great mum first protecting your other children and second him being somewhere he can be kept safer, hopefully get help etc That in no way says you love him or are giving up. Shows how brave you are discussing it. Unfortunately it's all pros and cons, would you want those behaviours copied by your other children, is there a possibility your other children could be deliberately or accidentally hurt by him etc. Do what's best for you, your family and your son x

wishuponastar1988 · 16/01/2023 21:32

littlevills · 16/01/2023 21:24

I just feel the carers aren’t best equipped either. If I was told as a parent my child was a flight risk and responded as the carers have below, it surely would be cause for concern.

I don't think they are trying to minimise but are trying to put your mind at ease as you are worried you will get into trouble. The reality is that it is very difficult to stop a child from running away/not coming home etc. if he is in the care of the local authority then the carers are not actually allowed to prevent the children leaving as that would be a deprivation of liberty (unless they are in a secure placement and there is a deprivation of liberty order in place).

It is really common for children to push back against plans to either return home/move placement etc but that is normal and usually comes from a place of being nervous about chnage/not being in control of decisions that are being made. You will be supported with this and any transition home.

ICanHideButICantRun · 16/01/2023 21:37

The problem is that if his attitude is like that, he's not going to improve because he's back home, no matter how many courses you've been on.

I think that if his behaviour is better now than it was when he was at home, I would accept that that is the right place for him now. I would perhaps mention that as an incentive for him.

mauvish · 16/01/2023 21:38

I feel for you, this is such a dilemma.

But as others have said, if it's felt that he should stay in care (through your wishes, his, or the state's), it doesn't mean you're giving up on him. You can still maintain contact and let him know that your home is always open to him in future (with whatever rules you need to maintain it as safe for everyone!)

The extra parenting skills you've studied over this year will surely stand you in really good stead with your other children too.

Original poster
littlevills · 16/01/2023 21:39

Thanks all. It really is heartbreaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlevills · 16/01/2023 21:40

It has been quoted how unusual it is to have a child in care and no social services involvement with the younger children. I’m so lucky in that respect.

OP posts:
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