To demand teenage son home.

[littlevills]

If you have passed every parenting assessment, social services and school are backing you, but your 14 year old wants to stay in care that he was placed into voluntarily due to his extreme behaviours. AIBU to fight this.

The documents state there is no reason why the child cannot return to mums care apart from his preference that care is ‘an easier life, you get cool stuff’

That might change if he comes home. I think you have to weigh up the risks of him influencing the younger siblings and all of them ending up in care because you can no longer cope. You are not giving up on him.

They do. Children can leave home at 14. It's either support their choice or have them run away.
The Court will have to consider the risk of harm to the younger children if he returns home. As said, him remaining in care isn't giving up on him.

I battled tooth and nail to keep my eldest at home and cope with his behaviours very similar to your son's.
I had 2 younger DC and this did them a huge disservice and greatly impacted them in a very negative way.
Eventually aged 17 he attacked me and ended up in a young person's hostel. We tried to have him back but it failed as he still thought he could behave as he wanted. He saw nothing wrong in his behaviour.......
I nearly lost the 2 youngest in the process. And I know having him at home traumatised them.

As much as it hurt me to let him go and live away and carry on living his life his own way, the wrong way, I had to. He had to realise his own mistakes. And he did. Now years later he bitterly regrets what he did.

But if he had stayed at home then I would have lost far more.

It sounds as if he is on an even keel. Maybe he knows the best environment for him to stay that way.

You would not be giving up on him if he stays in care. First, you can always say to him that he wanted it, so that's on him. Second, sometimes as a parent we have to make the hard choices that hurt like hell, but you have other people to think about than just this one child. Can you discuss this with a social worker?

Can you ask for a long term reunification plan with the care order place? You and he will get a lot more support both as he gets older and if anything goes wrong. Eg build but to overnight stays etc so he comes home post gcses if he's doing them? And the cannabis and other difficulties are a bit more sorted

@littlevills this must be so hard for you. You aren't giving up on him, I'd explain to him your preference is he comes home but you respect his wishes at this stage. The risk with him coming home is an escalation of the behaviour, thinking with his feet and running and potentially your little ones being exposed to dangerous behaviour and ending up open to SS because of the impact of it.

If you do share PR with the LA that doesn't mean that in a couple of years when he's more grown up if he wants to come home he can't. You can still work with the local authority and by the sounds of it you aren't considered a risk to him so I'd imagine you'd have limited (if any) restrictions for contact.

He will see your commitment to him, you attending every Court hearing, meeting, being at the end of the phone, being there for him when you have things planned with him and keeping him a central part of your family even if he's not in the home.

Sorry you're going through such a hard time 💐

@littlevills

This is a desperate sad situation but I do feel you have to put your other children first. That does not mean you are giving up on him.
If you force him to come back he is likely to just abscond.
I have been in a similar situation with my adopted son's sibling who lives in a residential unit. I fought for 3 years to foster this child, who just wanted to go back to his birth dad. When social services told him dad wasn't an option, he told them he wouldn't live with me. So despite everyone saying I was the best option and having had a full fostering assessment, they took a 12 year old boy at his word.
I had another go a year later but by this time he really was institutionalised.
It has broken our hearts. We still see him. When we leave I tell him we love him, and there is always a place for him in our home. Whether he chooses to accept one day, I really don't know, but I will keep telling him and we maintain a relationship.
So I would take him up on it but insist on regular visits snd phone calls,include him at family events, make a fuss of him on his birthday, build up to overnight stays, maybe a summer holiday. Take an interest in school and anything he is interested in
You keep telling him you love him and you won't give up on him. Send him postcards, give him a nice framed photo of you. Keep the communication going but I really don't feel forcing him will have a positive outcome

If he is an ongoing flight risk, continues to smoke weed, and doesn't want to come home?

Then no, I don't think it would be fair on your younger children for him to come home to you.

To be honest the replies have really helped me to open my eyes. My younger children are thriving and it would be selfish to disrupt them to bring home a teenager who doesn’t actually want to be here.

If your son misbehaves less where he is, then leave him there.

And yes, it's much better for your other children not to have him there, all miserable, aggressive and a bad influence.

I was that kid too but slightly different circumstances. At 14, my mum was very strict and I was rebelling, she didn't have much cash and used to kick me out often as punishment. One day she wouldn't let me back in and I ended up in a childrens home - something she would threaten me about. I ended up liking it there as I had freedom and finally money for designer trainers and although I didn't realise it at the time, my mum was depressed and a which meant I didn't enjoy my home. Social services attempted to send me back as my mum wanted me back and they obviously wanted to save money - I rebelled and ended up back in care. Also realised that I'd get a flat at 16 if I went into care again.

I got the flat, and over time built up a better relationship with my mum. Obviously she was hurt and I feel bad for putting her through that but it wasn't a healthy environment and I was very rebellious- got arrested and used to smoke cannabis also.

I'd let him go. If he comes back, it won't be because he wants to be there and likely his behaviour will be worse. I'd sit him down and say you'll give him what he wants but these are the conditions, he sticks at education, he comes around for Sunday dinner and an extra evening a week and whatever else you want to chuck in that you feel you can negotiate.

He has to get this phase out of his system but it has to come naturally and not by force. I fixed up myself within a year and by the time I got my place at 16, I had a job and was sensible because ultimately, I grew up in a home where we were taught how to behave, I was just going through stuff and my mum wasn't best equipped to handle it.

Your relationship may improve by being apart and it means you can focus on your younger kids without the interruption of police and the other drama it brings. It doesn't mean you're giving up on him .

The only thing about care and group homes is that they are able to run wild. I did for a bit, it was fun and crazy but I then realised that I didn't want my life to end up like the other care home kids. Who knows if he will have that realisation. Of all the kids I was in care with, a couple have been murdered RIP, a few have numerous kids and no career/job/focus in life, one is a prostitute and a few are in jail/have been, some are druggies - not many make it out a success which I'm sure won't make you feel better about he situation. I think having the regular visits with him may slowly show him there is more to life than freedom, running wild and free stuff although at the time, that's all they consider important.

I wish you luck. It's not a reflection on you as a mum. My mum tried her best but it wasn't enough to keep me tame. Again, you're not giving up on him, you're just not fighting him, you're working with him and letting him know he can always come home. I'm in my mid 20s now and have a much better relationship with my mum which I'm not sure would have happened if I continued living there.