Family wedding

[dooooo]

My DP’s sibling is getting married this year in a different continent which would be a 10+ hour flight away. DC will be 5 months old then and is quite a high needs baby at the moment.

My DP will obviously attend. While we can all afford to go, it will be a squeeze financially.

Part of the wedding involves a trip not very suitable for a baby (extreme hiking and camping etc). My in laws are very outdoorsy and see no issue with bringing a baby along, but everyone else I’ve spoken to, including other members of DPs family has said it’s not a great trip for a baby. I think that DP’s parents will be very upset and hurt if we don’t go with the baby and my DP goes alone. They don’t see DC much as they usually live in another continent but have met baby a few times.

My in laws are generally lovely. However, they are difficult when it comes to judging us based on parenting choices that they do not understand because advice differs from when they had their own children 30+ years ago. For example, DC had jaundice and we were told by Drs to feed every 3 hours at the beginning to flush out. My in laws thought this was madness and we were over feeding (they are not drs). They also argued with us about why we don’t put anything in the baby’s crib due to sids risk, saying that they never followed such guidelines with their children and none of them ever died. These are just 2 examples. Explaining these very reasonable points to them is exhausting and they just don’t accept our explanations.

i am concerned that if we go on the trip, they will push us and baby to do things that I am not comfortable with and will then make comments/judge when we refuse. DP is not good at confrontation and sticking up to them and they tend to address their concerns objections to our parenting to me rather than DP as can be a bit sexist that way.

Do you think we should go to the wedding/trip to keep the peace or should my DP go alone? My 2 concerns are the financial costs and the difficulties in disagreements in parenting as described above, on a trip that is not suitable for an infant. I’m worried that if we don’t all go, they will be very upset and it will damage relationship. They will simply not understand why we don’t feel trip is suitable for baby even if we try to explain.

[dooooo]

And my second question is, if baby and me decide not to go, how do we explain this without causing hurt?

[WhereIsMumHiding3]

You have different views and as DCs parent it's up to you. You don't think it's fair to take a baby in a long flight and inappropriate outdoorsy activity

The compromise is that Dp attends alone

No matter what you do, someone will be unhappy so I would do what you feel is right and say "DPs coming. It's our decision, we thought long and hard but it's not something that's right for DBaby at the moment (he's not a good traveller due to his health) "

I wouldn't engage with any pressure or arguments about how you are wrong etc just repeat that it's your decision as Dbaby's parents not theirs and the matter is closed.
"It's lovely you want to see him, but it's not right for him and we've already made our decision as his parents" type reply

[ALS94]

I wouldn’t go, by the sounds of it you won’t enjoy it and it’s an expense that won’t be worth it. 10 hours on a plane for a 5 month old would be a lot!

DP needs to step up, I’d have an honest conversation about your concerns and if you decide not to go, he should be the one to tell his family and to phrase it in a way that shows it was a united decision.

‘We’ve talked about it and although we’d love to all be there, we’ve decided that only I will be attending. A 10 hour plane journey, the time difference (I’m assuming) and the change in routine will be too much for DC at this age so it will be best for her to stay within the comfort of home.’ Yes they may initially be disappointed but I’d just ignore any comments, they’ll get over it

[Glorianna]

YANBU, you know your finances and baby best, don't be guilt tripped or coerced into anything.

However, you could get a cheap holiday out of this. Would PIL pay for one ticket? Then you could go too and have a nice holiday but put your foot down about the trekking or anything else not baby friendly.

[WhereIsMumHiding3]

I would get it over and done with. It sounds like unless you do what your PILs want then they will always argue back , you can't control their reactions

Probably best to start with your DH replying
"Thankyou for the invite to X's wedding, it's very exciting ! I will be coming.
DBaby isn't a good traveller so baby and dooo will video chat in from home at some point during the day, as they hope to see a bit of the wedding day and say hi too!"

You shouldn't let your PILs try to dictate to you what you do with your DC , just remind them "I appreciate you have strong views on this, however DC is our child. And we decide as his parents what is best for him. Children are individuals and different. You had your time as parents to us when we were children doing what you thought was best at the time"

[InvalidCrumb]

Is it a destination wedding, or is it where they live?
I wouldn't go if I wasn't comfortable, you get relatives insisting it'll be ok whatever your situation.

If it wasn't for the expense I'd say give it a go but I'd resent paying loads for it.

Don't mention "baby's routine" or any specifics - they will just try to argue you out of it. Keep it firm but bland .

[gogohmm]

It's really up to you. Personally i flew long haul at 7 weeks pp, I hiked and camped with my DD's from birth, but that's just me. If you would rather not go just be honest and say you think it will be too much.

[Cherrysoup]

You do what you want, it isn’t up to your pil to dictate what you do.

[Ponderingwindow]

Can you go to the wedding but skip the hiking and camping? You and the baby could relax at a hotel while your DP does the extreme outdoors things (imho you win here) and then you get to attend the actual fun part of the wedding together?

[Eastereggsboxedupready]

Suggest to dh it will be a great bonding time with his dc-you will stay home and let them have Quality Time... . You will look at backpack carriers..
Or does he think you 2 should stay home and him go see his family??

[FlounderingFruitcake]

Don’t go. You don’t want to and you can’t really afford it. And unless you think that they’re likely to turn round and offer to pay for you all then I’d keep the focus on the money- ‘it’s too expensive and we can’t afford to all go, it’s even a stretch for just DH but of course he can’t miss it’ is irrefutable. Saying the hike or whatever isn’t baby friendly just opens up the floor for debate, because you know they won’t agree and it’s a crappy excuse anyway as presumably you could just sit that bit out.

[Weddi]

I don’t think it’s fair taking such a small baby on a long haul flight personally. Not fair on the baby but also not fair on other passengers, I doubt a 5 month old will sit for 10 hours quietly anyway! Your DH can go, you stay behind with baby. Ignore ILs.

[Justalittlebitduckling]

I just took a baby on a long haul flight and I’m really sorry but I just can’t recommend it. Baby projectile vomited everywhere and cried for pretty much an entire journey. Jet lag was hell both during and after the trip. It’s exhausting.

[FinallyHere]

You are a parent now, you have significant responsibilities which trump any people or PiL pleasing you might otherwise engage in.

Decide what to do by putting your baby's needs first. Go on from there.

Incidentally, your PiL may have missed this fact, but you now decide what access they have to their grandchild. Don't forgot that, ever.

[MaverickGooseGoose]

@dooooo

And my second question is, if baby and me decide not to go, how do we explain this without causing hurt?

You say sorry, it just doesn't work for us with a small baby. DH goes, you go and visit as a family when baby is older.

I can't think of anything worse, I travelled long haul with DTs when they were 6 months and it was awful, it was also pretty awful at 3. By four or got better.

[CohenTree]

Don't go, for heaven's sake. Just make up some excuse. Lie if you have to.

[Pinkyhere]

I wouldn't risk the stress of that sort of trip with a 5 month old. Esp since pils have already been critical.
You will be exhausted, the baby is likely to be difficult and the last thing you need is pils weighing in with critical comments or suggestions.
Prepare your response so you can not be caught out by their comments. And repeat word for word: eg We would have loved to have celebrated with everyone. I dont feel ready to take that sort of trip with a baby. You chose to parent in your way please respect my choice to parent in mine etc.
It's up to them if they hold it against you, but ultimately you have to make the choices you are comfortable with for you and your family. Don't let yourself be bullied into taking a long and expensive trip that you're not ready for.
And absolutely encourage your partner to go alone.

[Yesthatismychildsigh]

Just say you’re not going. It isn’t suitable for a baby. If they’re ‘hurt’ then that’s their problem.

[Swissmountains]

As adult you have the agency to choose where and what you want to do. I would not do this with a young baby and wouldn't even entertain it personally.

I would reply that you would love to go but the baby isn't ready for such a long trip when will they be able to visit

I would flip this around to when they can come, and nothing to do with the wedding. Dp can go as planned, and you can see them all another time.

[Coffeellama]

Do you think we should go to the wedding/trip to keep the peace

The thing is it’s not keeping the peace because you think theyl end up annoyed with you if you do take baby. So theyl be unhappy if you go and unhappy if you don’t, so just don’t go OP. Don’t pander to people, they live on another continent so it’s not like they are going to be turning up at your door telling you off for it. YANBU to just let DP go alone.

[JenniferBarkley]

There is no amount of money you could pay me to bring a five month old on a ten hour flight.

I had a destination wedding, I would have fully understood that you didn't want to come, that's the price you pay when you get married abroad.

the draft response above is good. Keep it upbeat and cheery, of course you can't go but DP is so excited! Can't wait to see the photos and hear all about it! Yay weddings! Have you picked your flowers/dress/whatever yet etc etc etc.

[CandleCandleCandle]

I love a destination wedding but wouldn’t go in your circumstances.

[billy1966]

Not a chance would I do such a trip with a 5 month old.

A whole lot of money for little to no enjoyment.

His parents sound very tedious too so you need to keep your parenting choices to yourself.

Any of the above suggestions that it doesn't work for you or the baby and your partner will go on his own.

It can have the dual purpose of him having the opportunity to tell his parents to wind in their neck with their unasked for parenting advice🙄😁.

[UWhatNow]

Their ‘hurt’ is for them to deal with. In they same they expect you to robustly suck everything up, they should too. They’re grown up adults and have made a choice about the type of event it is, and you have choices too.

It’s ridiculous to expect to take a 5 month old to take part in camping and hiking after a 10 hour flight, but even worse, the knackered, hormonal, sleep-deprived mother of a 5 month old. You need a proper bed, sleep, relaxation and comfort. Not mosquitos, no proper loo and a cramped tent.

I wouldn’t bat an eyelid laughing in their faces at the mere suggestion.

[JenniferBarkley]

It’s ridiculous to expect to take a 5 month old to take part in camping and hiking after a 10 hour flight, but even worse, the knackered, hormonal, sleep-deprived mother of a 5 month old. You need a proper bed, sleep, relaxation and comfort. Not mosquitos, no proper loo and a cramped tent.

Amen.