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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family wedding

37 replies

dooooo · 16/01/2023 12:32

My DP’s sibling is getting married this year in a different continent which would be a 10+ hour flight away. DC will be 5 months old then and is quite a high needs baby at the moment.

My DP will obviously attend. While we can all afford to go, it will be a squeeze financially.

Part of the wedding involves a trip not very suitable for a baby (extreme hiking and camping etc). My in laws are very outdoorsy and see no issue with bringing a baby along, but everyone else I’ve spoken to, including other members of DPs family has said it’s not a great trip for a baby. I think that DP’s parents will be very upset and hurt if we don’t go with the baby and my DP goes alone. They don’t see DC much as they usually live in another continent but have met baby a few times.

My in laws are generally lovely. However, they are difficult when it comes to judging us based on parenting choices that they do not understand because advice differs from when they had their own children 30+ years ago. For example, DC had jaundice and we were told by Drs to feed every 3 hours at the beginning to flush out. My in laws thought this was madness and we were over feeding (they are not drs). They also argued with us about why we don’t put anything in the baby’s crib due to sids risk, saying that they never followed such guidelines with their children and none of them ever died. These are just 2 examples. Explaining these very reasonable points to them is exhausting and they just don’t accept our explanations.

i am concerned that if we go on the trip, they will push us and baby to do things that I am not comfortable with and will then make comments/judge when we refuse. DP is not good at confrontation and sticking up to them and they tend to address their concerns objections to our parenting to me rather than DP as can be a bit sexist that way.

Do you think we should go to the wedding/trip to keep the peace or should my DP go alone? My 2 concerns are the financial costs and the difficulties in disagreements in parenting as described above, on a trip that is not suitable for an infant. I’m worried that if we don’t all go, they will be very upset and it will damage relationship. They will simply not understand why we don’t feel trip is suitable for baby even if we try to explain.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/01/2023 14:53

Honestly, I'd get dh to explain to his sibling and their fiancee that he will come alone. He can fully participate in all aspects of the trip without being distracted by parenthood blah blah blah.

And you and the baby enjoy a peaceful time home alone!

If his folks kick up a stink, dh can repeat "I've explained my reasoning to the bride and groom, they are perfectly happy about. I'm looking forward to spending a week with you all"

maddy68 · 16/01/2023 14:59

Don't go a d just send dp. Or take the bull by the horns and enjoy the holiday with your baby. You might find out you are the outdoors type after all.

Whatever you choose is fine

MaggieFS · 16/01/2023 15:08

I think it's the best age to take any child on a long haul flight. They are small enough to go in a bassinet and don't want to crawl anywhere!

Can you go but not go on the camping/hiking part? Again it's a great age for them to go in a baby carrier, but I am completely with you if you don't want to do this.

I would tell everyone far and wide up front how excited you are to be able to bring DC to the wedding but that you won't be doing the camping/hiking. If there are any groans or mumbles, DH has to FIRMLY say, look, this is the deal. Let's not mention it again or OP and DC just wont be coming.

TravellingJack · 16/01/2023 15:19

Bloody hell, I couldn't have managed an 'extreme hiking' trip when DD was 5mo, I could barely stand up straight or walk around the supermarket without rest. Granted, I had a terrible pregnancy and birth, but still...

So... have you completely bounced back from pregnancy and birth? If not, is the idea that DP takes your baby alone? How would you, he and the baby feel about that, and what would his parents think? I would say in all honesty that you are not able to guarantee YOU will be able to attend (and if you can't, likely neither can the baby) but you're happy for DP to go - and plenty of people wouldn't be happy to be left alone with a 5mo baby for a weekend, let alone a 10hr journey away, so they can count themselves lucky!

BatshitBanshee · 16/01/2023 15:31

YANBU to not go and for DP to go alone. A 10 hr plane journey (probably 16-20 hours door to door?) is just far too much for a 5 month old, before you even get to the hiking etc. Give yourself a break, opt out, DP goes and enjoys the party. You enjoy comfort at home with DD and not being critiqued or pressured by interfering ILs.

Bookworm20 · 16/01/2023 15:43

Its sounds like they won't listen to anything you have to say if you make it compltely baby related.

And quite honestly 10 hours on a plane, plus how ever many hours at the airport is just madness with a 5 month old if it isn't absolutely necessary.

I would just go with a simple, 'sorry we would all really love to come, but we think its best if dp comes on his own. The flight and time difference is likely to have a huge impact on baby and therefore on me and as I am really not sure how well I'll cope (being a new mum and still finding my feet, and dc seems to really favour routine) I don't want to commit to something we may have to pull out of. If it turns out baby is a dream at 5 months and we think it might be doable, we'll reconsider nearer the time. But for now, just please assume we won't be there from a planning perspective.'

rinse and repeat

Kitkatcatflap · 16/01/2023 15:53

No way, would I do it - sounds way too much work. As they are going to judge you whatever you do, stay at home. It's up to your DH if he wants to take the baby?

ElfandSafety101 · 16/01/2023 15:56

What does your DH want to do?

Personally in your shoes I’d be going with baby but I’m able to be assertive with my boundaries around my ILs so them going on about doing this and that wouldn’t phase me.

Tinkerbyebye · 16/01/2023 16:02

DP is coming alone as a 10 hour flight isn’t suitable for baby with current health issues

hope the wedding goes well

UsingChangeofName · 16/01/2023 16:53

I wouldn't take a 5 month baby on a 10 hour flight, regardless of the camping / hiking trip.
But I think this is dp's call to some extent. If he has moved a long way from his family, then I would understand if he wanted to take his child to meet them all and spend time together with all of his family.
If it were just a destination wedding for the sake of it, it is different, but if he is 'going home' with his child, I can see that is a different call to make. It certainly won't get easier by the next year when your baby is mobile, for example, so when ?

whattodo1975 · 16/01/2023 16:57

dooooo · 16/01/2023 12:34

And my second question is, if baby and me decide not to go, how do we explain this without causing hurt?

5 MONTHS OLD
5 MONTHS OLD
5 MONTHS OLD

That is all you need to say. If they cant get their round it then there problem.

Also you don't need to explain anything. Your 5 month old child's dad can explain it to his parents.

Swissmountains · 16/01/2023 18:23

Even from an infection point of view it really isn't great for your baby at all. I would be waiting to the baby was much older and more robust in every way

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