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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

3 month old has never met his dad. Do I try one last time to involve him?

30 replies

Justwingit66 · 15/01/2023 21:32

My baby is almost three months old and I have had no contact with the dad since he walked away at 15 weeks and told me not to contact him in regards to the pregnancy/baby. I considered abortion at the time but ultimately it was too late and now that I have my beautiful baby I’m so glad I continued with the pregnancy despite the challenges of single parenthood!

Whilst I have healed from what he has done and would happily never see him again I feel a great sadness for my son who will never know his dad. I have this nagging feeling that I should reach out to him one last time and put my own feelings aside in case there is a tiny chance he wants to be involved with his son. I’m feeling so torn and trying to weigh up what the right decision is here. I’m also conscious that his family have no clue about this baby so my son also misses out on grandparents etc. Has anyone else been through something similar?

YABU - do not contact him
YANBU - do contact him

OP posts:
NoKnit · 15/01/2023 21:41

I would but no expectations or pressure. If there is no response I would also contact again in a few years when your son is asking about his Dad but again no expectations or pressure.

He might want to be involved but maybe not just yet. I'd try and accept that.

Of course if in five years time he's still ignoring I'd have no problem telling my son his Dad is a tosspot

Original poster
Justwingit66 · 15/01/2023 21:44

Yes my expectation is 99% sure nothing will change. I think a large part of it is so that when my son asks I can show him that I tried for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwingit66 · 15/01/2023 21:45

Im also wondering if I should claim child support from him. Or tell his family about my baby. __

OP posts:
Thehouseofmarvels · 15/01/2023 21:58

If you do not tell his family you may have to have a difficult conversation with your child when they are older as to why they have missed out on extended family. They may wish to reach out to his family as a teenager. His parents may very well want to be involved. If they don't you can tell your child you did everything you could.

Duckingella · 15/01/2023 22:13

Justwingit66 · 15/01/2023 21:45

Im also wondering if I should claim child support from him. Or tell his family about my baby. __

Absolutely 100% put in a claim for immediate child support immediately.

Original poster
Justwingit66 · 15/01/2023 22:15

Duckingella · 15/01/2023 22:13

Absolutely 100% put in a claim for immediate child support immediately.

Show quote history

The main issue with that is that he works for his dad so from what I’ve heard on here won’t he just fiddle his wages? I don’t really understand how it all works!

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwingit66 · 15/01/2023 22:16

Yes this is the main thought I have. I guess I’m just scared of the possible backlash from him for telling his mum. He was very very nasty to me at the end.

OP posts:
LittleLegoWoman · 15/01/2023 22:17

He might fiddle his wages to get out of paying anything much on child support but then at least the grandparents would know you son exists!

Original poster
Justwingit66 · 15/01/2023 22:19

I think his dad might already know to be honest. It’s more his mum who might actually get him to see sense. Dad is also not a very nice man who walked out on his mum so I don’t hold much hope for his moral compass.

OP posts:
clpsmum · 15/01/2023 22:21

Justwingit66 · 15/01/2023 21:45

Im also wondering if I should claim child support from him. Or tell his family about my baby. __

Yes on both counts

RedHelenB · 15/01/2023 22:24

Justwingit66 · 15/01/2023 21:45

Im also wondering if I should claim child support from him. Or tell his family about my baby. __

Yes to both. And I wouldn't close the door at any time, your son has the right to know both sides of his family.

Untitledsquatboulder · 15/01/2023 22:25

You should absolutely, 100% seek child support from this "prince" of a man. You could also consider letting his family know about your son but what do you know them? Have you Mey themselves? Did they know you asked his girlfriend? Are they likely to be supportive? Tbh though if he's not interested it's unlikely they will be.

Original poster
Justwingit66 · 15/01/2023 22:26

RedHelenB · 15/01/2023 22:24

Yes to both. And I wouldn't close the door at any time, your son has the right to know both sides of his family.

Show quote history

No I would always leave it open and up to him. That’s what I want to say to him. I would never deny my son of a father if he wanted to be involved in a positive way.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 15/01/2023 22:31

Well then, claim child support and see what happens. Don't waste too much headspace on it, he'll be the father he's going to be, you have no say in that. Just concentrate on being tge vest Mum you can be.

Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf · 15/01/2023 22:32

Discussed marriage November

Engaged December

married April.

together 5 years.

He’s not that in to you x

Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf · 15/01/2023 22:33

Oh cheese. Wrong thread. Sorry

Thesonglastslonger · 15/01/2023 23:57

Definitely claim child support.

I wouldn’t contact him. If he cares this little about the fact that he has a child then he can only disappoint both of you.

Thesonglastslonger · 15/01/2023 23:59

Ps re the child support remember that the money isn’t for you, it’s for the baby. If you choose not to claim then every time you can’t afford something that your child needs/wants, you’ll feel bad.

UselessExLondoner · 16/01/2023 00:08

Not sure tbh.

Maybe contact the father by email with a photo of the baby. Then you have proof (for your child) you tried.

It doesn't sound like the father is a nice person, or his father if he'd be willing to make it look like his son earns nothing so he doesn't have to pay maintenance. So if you really don't need the maintenance money it might be less hassle to put in a claim. I'm not saying that's the right thing to do, but if the maintenance claim influences the father's parents to decide that they and the father should see your baby you will be stuck with their (potentially) toxic influence on your son.

UselessExLondoner · 16/01/2023 00:08

That should have said...

It might be less hassle NOT to put in a claim

JustForABitofFun · 16/01/2023 00:21

So your ex isn't a nice man and neither is his father.

Whilst children have a right to know their family, just be aware you could be opening a whole can of worms here and leaving yourself open to a lot of grief if you get back in contact.

Would your ex try to get custody (just to be awkward to you etc)?

Possibly worse case scenarios but give it some thought!

PeekAtYou · 16/01/2023 00:25

I've read cases on here where the man got in contact because of a CMS claim. They don't usually stick around but it sometimes causes a reaction.

margegunderson · 16/01/2023 00:35

I wouldn't - sounds like a man who'd be a crap dad and make your life a misery for the fun of it.

Icanflyhigh · 16/01/2023 00:44

Justwingit66 · 15/01/2023 21:45

Im also wondering if I should claim child support from him. Or tell his family about my baby. __

Yes you should.
It took both of you to make this baby and he has responsibility to face up to.
His family also have a right to know their grandchild/nephew/cousin etc.

Coyoacan · 16/01/2023 01:20

I don't know actually. If he decides that he wants parental rights...

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