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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is he being an arse on purpose to make me leave?

33 replies

strawberrycheesecakeforever · 15/01/2023 21:21

Been married about 15 years. We couldn't have children- I was more upset than him at the time, but we settled into a comfortable, happy routine.

6 years ago, I got promoted. It meant I'm out of the house for longer, often 10-12 hours a day, but obviously get paid more. Slowly over time, he started doing less and less. Picking up less paid work, doing less housework, sleeping later and staying up later. It was all so gradual that I didn't really pay attention until it was a disaster. I pay around 80-90% of the household costs now and do about 75% of the housework too.

I planned a roast dinner for our tea tonight. He got up late, mooched around a bit while I went for a run, went shopping and did some paperwork at home, then he went for a nap. I reminded him about the roast dinner and asked when he was getting up. Went ahead and cooked, and he just didn't get up when he promised. He's still in bed now and I've had a whole afternoon and evening alone again.

It feels like we're just going through the motions, and I suddenly wondered tonight if he's done and wants to end it, but isn't brave enough to bite the bullet, so is acting like a shithead so I am the one who breaks us up.

Thanks for making it this far. Not really sure what I'm hoping to achieve but needed a vent!

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 15/01/2023 21:25

From that you live very separate lives, I’d be ending it.

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 21:25

Have you discussed these problems with him? The housework, the lack of financial contribution etc?

Is he depressed? Does he work at all? Does he have hobbies?

PlinkPlonkFizz · 15/01/2023 21:26

Sounds like it really could be depression. Can you ask him?

Suzi888 · 15/01/2023 21:28

PlinkPlonkFizz · 15/01/2023 21:26

Sounds like it really could be depression. Can you ask him?

This or pure bone idleness. I doubt he will leave you, he’s living the dream (if he isn’t depressed of course).
Speak to him… it’s not fair that you are paying for everything and doing all the housework!

Original poster

strawberrycheesecakeforever · 15/01/2023 21:36

He is clinically depressed and has been on medication for around 8 years. I don't think this change is the depression, though- it feels like he's just happy to do as little as possible now.

He says he hates working (don't we all??) and I earn enough now. He says that I like it cleaner than he does, so I should do it myself if I want it cleaner. I've tried to leave things for him to do, like asking him to clean the bathroom, but he just doesn't do it. Last time, I cracked after two weeks, as it was genuinely horrible.

Maybe I'm looking at this wrong. It doesn't really matter what his motive is. I'm not happy and he doesn't care.

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 15/01/2023 22:02

No, you’re not happy. Do whatever it takes to be happy.

Ludo19 · 15/01/2023 22:04

You only get one life OP. If you're miserable and he doesn't care then its time to move on.

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 22:06

In your shoes I'd be frank about it. Have you told him you're not happy and are thinking of leaving him? Just be up front and see what he says.

pilates · 15/01/2023 22:07

yes he doesn’t respect you. I would rather be on my own than with someone like that.

KarmaStar · 16/01/2023 12:03

Hi op
He is not supporting,respecting or even living a shared life with you.
Sounds like he has lost his self respect too and his drive,he needs a wake up call as this has drifted on so long it has become his normal.
if talking has done nothing ,ask him to start looking for jobs ,even part time,exercising will lift his mood too.
perhaps once he starts liking himself with a new look from getting fitter,earning money again,going out with friends,your relationship will turn a corner.
if he refuses to help himself in any way then suggest a separation and keep strong.
depression is debilitating but he does need to improve his quality of life for both your sakes.
I hope things work out but if he simply won't try then don't feel guilty if you decide to live your life happily on your own.remember it is your life.time is free but we never own it.

Toomanysleepycats · 16/01/2023 13:41

You are right, you are unhappy and he doesn’t care. He is probably perfectly happy with his life as it enables him to live exactly as he pleases. You obviously aren’t making it uncomfortable enough to make him change his behaviour or make him want to leave.

There are occasions when the husband does change after the wife threatens divorce. They reply “I didn’t know it bothered you that much” They often think the final straw is much further away than the woman does.

Matthew Fry’s blogpost She Left me because I left a glass by the sink’ is now very well known and is often recommended. It’s worth a read.

It really depends on if you still love him. I fell out of love with my husband. Being lazy around the house was just one of the many things he did.

ICanHideButICantRun · 16/01/2023 13:44

Come on, OP. You have one life - why would you spend it with someone like this?

If you ever think of living without him, how do you feel?

thecatsthecats · 16/01/2023 13:46

"You like things cleaner" means things like "if you want a hotel standard turndown service on the bed every day, it's up to you", not slobbily opting out of basic cleanliness.

I'm afraid it sounds like it's just comfortable for him to stay at the moment. I doubt he's actually doing it on purpose though, because he probably hasn't imagined how life will be without you.

theGooHasGone · 16/01/2023 13:50

He's not being reasonable. Not working for extended periods (whether due to depression or not) is never a good sign. Sounds like he's lost all motivation and drive to do anything.

Has he ever expressed his frustration? Does he talk about not enjoying life?

He can waste his life away, but it doesn't mean you have to. I wouldn't be content with it personally. Matched expectations and goals in life for partners are really important.

BreviloquentBastard · 16/01/2023 13:55

Kick the leech out. Depression or not, he's using you to fund his bone idle lifestyle. You'd basically be living the exact same life you are now if he wasn't around except with less cleaning and cooking to do, so what is the point of him?

Rafferty10 · 16/01/2023 13:57

Maybe I'm looking at this wrong. It doesn't really matter what his motive is. I'm not happy and he doesn't care.

There it is ^^ Split up he can go and live a squalid life somewhere else..

Ohwelikesheep78 · 16/01/2023 14:06

I am being devil’s advocate asking this op as he sounds very difficult to live with but does he get to make enough decisions in your joint life so that he feels empowered occasionally? Does he choose any of the furniture, what you are eating, or where you go on holiday once in a while? I ask this because my dh has a tendency to make all the decisions if I let him get away with it and it does make you feel like a spare part without any motivation.

Devoutspoken · 16/01/2023 14:10

Nothing to stop anyone wrestling the decision making back though

gamerchick · 16/01/2023 14:18

Why would he want you to leave. He's got a cushy life?

Up to you if you want to change that though. Maybe tell him he's got 6 months to be a more productive partner or he can live on his own. If you want to be generous.

Naunet · 16/01/2023 14:24

He’s a weight around your neck. Ask him what he thinks he contributes and how your life is better being with him.

Dodecaheidyin · 16/01/2023 14:27

His behaviour is working for him.

Aprilx · 16/01/2023 14:31

The relationship sounds dead, to be honest I wouldn’t even spend energy wondering whether he is behaving like this to make you leave or for some other reason. Either way, I think you should call time on it.

skyeisthelimit · 16/01/2023 15:04

OP, do you own the house ? do you own it equally? do you still love him and want to be with him?

You need to sit down and have a serious discussion with him and tell him that you feel that there is no relationship, no partnership, nothing left any more that constitutes a marriage.

Tell him that he needs to get his act together and get help for his depression and then work part time and help around the house, or you will need to end the marriage and sell the house because you aren't prepared to live like that any more.

It all comes down to what you want now, as you are not living a happy life and you do not have to carry on that way.

theGooHasGone · 16/01/2023 15:33

@strawberrycheesecakeforever I'm curious why you think he could be doing it deliberately. Has he given you signs that he knows his behaviour is unacceptable? Or is it more because you'd find it easier to leave him if you thought he was being an arse, and harder if it's genuinely depression-related?

Cherrysoup · 16/01/2023 16:15

You don’t appear to have a relationship. Do you want to leave?

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