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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I can't cope with MILs abuse

35 replies

blondein · 15/01/2023 20:56

I'll try to be brief.

NC but I've posted before.

Recently moved in with OH. Don't get me wrong, our relationship needs work at times. But it's pretty normal on the whole.

MIL has love bombed me from day one. Right up until I said I wasn't moving to where she lives (for many good reasons!). It would be several hours drive away, easier to fly! As soon as that was said, she changed

She is incredibly manipulative and devious and irs the type of abuse that's hidden. She would phone me every time she spoke to OH and start blaming me for our issues and having a go at me. OH had gone to her for private advice and it got to the point where after 2 years I told OH to stop talking to her about our relationship because she's phone me to go at me. She even ignored me saying I'm at work and would demand to speak to me!

I've fallen pregnant and sadly miscarried. MIL told OH until she sees proof I was pregnant and miscarried, she won't support me as she thinks I've lied about being pregnant. This is baring in mind OH went to the first scan with me! She also told OH to get a DNA test as the dates didn't add up and we were at the time in a LDR. Meanwhile she tells me she will be there at the birth and that me and my kids need to move to where she lives because IN HER OWN WORDS she's very controlling and I won't be able to do anything right.

Over the time we have been together she has constantly belittled me in subtle ways. Constantly referring to me as his girlfriend deliberately (when she knows we're engaged). Making comments about my age and do I really want a baby at my age (I'm 35!), talking to me about OH's exes and how heartbroken he was (and is?!) about them etc...

I am no contact with her. I have never been nasty or done anything wrong.

She is spiteful - sends OH Xmas gifts but nothing for my kids, which is fine, except she keeps telling the world how much she loves them and is their gran etc! Nobody sees the truth!

She is clearly a narcissist (and yes I'm qualified to say this!) and even resorts to posting memes and statuses on Facebook that are directed at me/OH. We have both unfriended her so she now posts them as public (and believe me the only public posts are those ones, can't see anything else on her profile!) so we blocked her, and now she just texts comments to him!

She will say things like "I'm not texting you anymore because I don't know who I'm texting with, so if you want to talk you'll have to call" (implying I'm texting her from his phone pretending to be him)

She asks if he is limited on what times he can text or how much he can text (implying I control him)

She tells him I'm crazy and he can find crazy in his home town so he should leave me. She tells him to leave, tells him he can find someone else (implying I'm nothing special)

Im on the verge of losing my shit with her. There's so many more examples but I'd be here forever naming them.

And the root cause? He moved away from her and she wanted me to uproot my kids and move there instead. (It's a flight away, not drivable really).

OH never bothered that much with her before he moved here. Saw her maybe once a month, quick phone calls here and there. He says she's controlling and awful.

She now opens his post and does whatever she can to involve herself into every aspect of his life.

He's begged her to stop and she wont.

She says I'm a narcissist and I've pushed him away from his family (meaning her and his sister). OH says I'm the reason he saw her as often as he did!! (Id always tell him to visit because he's lazy and wouldn't otherwise). He has the same contact with his dad if not more, but she hates it, says stuff like "why do you only have time for your precious daddy" then adds him and his dad to a group chat to slag his dad off, and they've been divorced 20 years!

She's nearly 60!!

Any advice?

OP posts:

lifeinthehills · 15/01/2023 21:17

Just don't engage with it. If she calls you to have a go at you, "Oh, I think you need to talk to your son about this," and pass it over. Or, "This doesn't concern you, MIL." If she continues, end the conversation. You don't have to allow her to treat you badly.

Ignore things like memes. Just don't give her any emotional energy.

LittleOwl153 · 15/01/2023 21:18

If you are no contact with her then you need have absolutely no contact. Tell your partner you do not wish to hear about her or for him to discuss you or your kids with her. Ever.

You need to have a serious conversation with him about whether she will be able to see any future shared children preferably before you conceive again (if this is an option). I would not want any child of mine going anywhere near that.

You need to let go of what she says about you. You can't see it so it doesn't exist.

In terms of your OH - he needs to ensure he has a proper mail redirect until he can get ALL his mail properly addressed. He probably also needs to lock down his credit and make sure she cannot access any of his banking / have the infonto take loansnin his name etc. He needs to let other family know that he is not under her control and they should contact him directly and not believe anything she says about him/you. He will know who really cares about him with their responses.

And I'd suggest he switches off the notifications of her calls/text on his phone and only check up now and again. You should block her completely.

Good luck!

NHSmummy84 · 15/01/2023 21:20

She sounds horrible. Sorry you're going through that.
The only way you can deal with a narc is to completely ignore them, no reaction to whatever they say or do..ever!
It sounds like she thinks you have taken him away from her, so she has made you the villain. You can't change a narcs mind either, no matter how nice you are.
My dad is narcissistic to the extreme, I've had to cut him off completely.
Just leave your partner to have a relationship with her if he wants, at least then he can't blame you for making him cut her off. But maybe you should ask him not to talk about you to her and not to pass on any messages for her to you.

autienotnaughty · 15/01/2023 21:56

I think you need to step away. No contact, no involvement. Let oh manage his own relationship with her and don't get involved/discuss it. But also think about long term and if you have children together. Make sure you and oh are on the same page about how that would work before you commit to conceiving again.

Cherrysoup · 15/01/2023 22:22

Why’s his mail going to his mum’s? That’s just lazy of him. He needs to sort himself out and stop telling you anything she says. Presumably you’ve blocked her on everything? How does her nonsense get through to you? Block, ignore, tell your dp you don’t want to hear about her. She sounds batshit.

Thedoctorswife1 · 16/01/2023 05:48

She sounds like my mother and you need to get far far away. Protect your children.

Thesealsknowsheismagic · 16/01/2023 05:54

It’s cliche, but I see hints that your OH your main problem. Not her.

NicJZ · 16/01/2023 09:45

My MIL is toxic too, tells me to my face in front of kids that she doesn't understand what her DS sees in me, will do anything for me to leave him and even says how she can't believe he would do such a thing to her........I live 20mins drive away and she blames me for reason she never sees her DS and grandchildren and yet she never drives over.
At least with you your partner sounds to stick up for you where as mine is clearly too under her spell and actually takes her side!
I think i would write down some positives here....she's a whole flight away (I'd love that!), she's so jealous of you she results to making up stories, facebook posts etc and your partner agrees she's a nutter.
If it was me in your situation, next time she insults just say it makes me so happy you don't like me as it shows how different I am to you, thanks for making my day.
If she only calls as well I'd make this a game, sorry can't hear you, what was that, you want to speak to who, sorry I don't understand what you are saying goodbye....from my experience of toxic MIL they aren't going to change, have to wait for them to leave this planet earth sadly, and they will but until then stay away.
Good luck x

dentydown · 16/01/2023 09:51

I’ve had the same experience with my grandmother, but it turned out She was developing dementia. It started off with a lot of paranoia and controlling behaviour.

There was a lot of restrictions around what I was allowed to do with my own children including not allowed to wash clothes, not allowed to iron clothes. Everything had to be done by her not me because I wasn’t to be trusted. There were times when I wasn’t allowed to take the children out.

I’m not saying this is the case, but has she always been like this? This sort of behaviour normally starts at the beginning. It can also last about 10 years, and will develop into obsessive behaviours and forgetfulness. Also being unable to manage affairs.

You may have to get a back up plan ready such researching social services, numbers, et cetera.

Beancounter1 · 16/01/2023 11:23

dentydown · 16/01/2023 09:51

I’ve had the same experience with my grandmother, but it turned out She was developing dementia. It started off with a lot of paranoia and controlling behaviour.

You may have to get a back up plan ready such researching social services, numbers, et cetera.

This is terrible advice. No, the OP does NOT have to have a back up plan or research social services. It is not her problem. DH can do this, if he wants to, but I wouldn't blame him if he didn't.

OP, as others have said, have no contact with her, and tell DP not to talk to you about her or what she says/does. Also tell DP not to tell her anything at all about you.
If he can't stick to this, you have a DP problem.

Hoppinggreen · 16/01/2023 11:25

No contact no engagement at all.
If she gets in touch refer it to your OH and if he doesn’t back you up ditch him

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/01/2023 11:26

I mean, she is a problem, but that your OH still has anything to do with her after she treats his girlfriend this way - well, there's the actual problem.

He needs to go No Contact. If he doesn't, I'd walk.

CalistoNoSolo · 16/01/2023 11:28

It would be a deal breaker for me, i would run for the hills. I wouldn't want to have that level of dysfunction and toxicity in my life. Also if you have a child with this man, realistically, you cannot escape contact with his mother. I'd get out know while you can and it's easy.

MavisMcMinty · 16/01/2023 11:30

I don’t understand how she can open his post when she lives “a flight” away from you both?

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 16/01/2023 11:40

Why is his post going to her house?

If you’d both unfriended her on Facebook, why were you checking to see what she’d posted publicly on her profile?

Why is he telling you all about what his mum is texting him?

You say you’ve posted about this previously… what advice were you given on that post, did you take any of it on board?

I don’t understand how much information about her and from her is filtering through to you to make you this wound up?

Seems to me like your OH is a big blabbermouth between you and his mum and that’s the main problem here.

CalistoNoSolo · 16/01/2023 11:42

Daffodilsandtuplips · 16/01/2023 11:46

Well DH needs to do a mail redirect.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/01/2023 11:47

How are you finding out about all this? If she is telling you directly, then Judy block her on everything. If she is telling your partner stuff, firstly why the fuck is he listening to it and why is he telling you? If someone says 'I dont believe she was pregnant' about his own baby who subsequently miscarried most people would find such a nasty comment enough to justify cutting contact. If they didn't, the response would be 'how dare your, she was pregnant, I was there at the scan, if you ever say anything like that again I'll cut you out my life'. It sounds like he engages with it? And then offloads to you? If this is the case it needs to change. Tell him if he wants to engage with someone that constantly attacks you then he can fuck off. Or at the very least that he never speaks of her to you again

Dodecaheidyin · 16/01/2023 11:54

Im on the verge of losing my shit with her.

She would love that. She'd view it as a win.

monitor1 · 16/01/2023 11:54

Why does his post go to her house? TBH I wouldn't have a child with this man unless he is fully supportive of you with regard to his mum.

glitteryDiscoParty · 16/01/2023 11:58

The solution is easy - completely no contact. Block her number on your phone. Block her across all social media. If she creates new accounts or calls from a new number simply ignore/hang up.

Explain to your DP that you don't wish to engage with her at all and that he can continue to contact her as he wishes but you don't wish to hear about it.

It's the only way.

Maraa · 16/01/2023 12:02

She sounds exactly like my mother in law so I can sympathise. Over the last few years we’ve had periods of non contact however she would just retaliate by Facebook posts, or messaging my mum of all people, messaging our friends, making false accusations and in the end we just agreed to be civil as it was a nightmare. However she just goes back to being evil so we are committing to going no contact and not engaging in anything at all. It’s hard. But it will be worth it. My mil ruined my pregnancy but she won’t ruin any more of our time. Cut her off, disengage and forget about her!! Hope your ok, I know how draining it id

Dutch1e · 16/01/2023 12:04

I know this is a sensitive subject, I hope you can hear it in the gentle spirit it's said.... please reconsider TTC with your OH while he has any kind of contact with his mum. She's dangerous to you and will be dangerous to your children and he has repeatedly stood by and watched it happen.

howshouldibehave · 16/01/2023 12:05

If she lives a flight away, then she shouldn’t really be able to have much of a realistic impact on your everyday lives. He needs to get his post redirected asap and I wouldn’t respond to any of her weirdness.

what do you mean by this though, She is clearly a narcissist (and yes I'm qualified to say this!)?

How are you qualified? Are you a psychiatrist?

Daffodilsandtuplips · 16/01/2023 12:07

I posted too soon. He needs to stop giving her a ammunition to attack you with. He also stops telling you what nonsense she’s saying about you.
Id never want to set eyes on her ever again after what she said about your pregnancy and miscarriage.
If you’re not married to him I rethink the relationship,

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