Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a third child?

26 replies

confusedaboutathird · 15/01/2023 17:17

I am 36, I have two children aged 5 & 3. One of whom has significant SEND (we have been told random bad luck, not hereditary). I really want another baby. I have always imagined having 3 children. I worry I won't cope as day to day things can be really hard because of the usual stresses of having young children, especially one with SEND, and I worry about what if the third child had SEND? Can I do right by my existing children if I have another baby? But the longing won't go away. And my long term vision for our family includes another person. Help me! WWYD? Please share your experiences of deciding to have more children (or not). Thank you.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 15/01/2023 17:22

I wouldn't, significant SND will significantly negatively affect your other child(ren).

UnaVaca · 15/01/2023 17:23

I wouldn’t either.

atteatimeeverybodyagrees · 15/01/2023 17:24

No one can answer this for you

SerenaTee · 15/01/2023 17:25

What does your partner think? How are you coping on the really tough days already?

PeekAtYou · 15/01/2023 17:25

Is the SEND likely to get harder to manage as the child gets older?
I personally wouldn't because I'd be concerned about being able to give all of the children enough attention and resources.

drpet49 · 15/01/2023 17:26

CalistoNoSolo · 15/01/2023 17:22

I wouldn't, significant SND will significantly negatively affect your other child(ren).

I agree

watchfulwishes · 15/01/2023 17:27

No one can answer this for you, it is always a hard decision.

RedHouseWins · 15/01/2023 17:27

Only you know. Anything can happen. I have three. One had significant health problem when younger, and the other two as teenagers. I had always wanted four, but knew as soon as DC 3 was born that I was done. Your DH should also have some input though!

ellyo · 15/01/2023 17:29

I have two children with complex SEN, we went on to have a third whom we now believe is autistic. I'm honestly so glad we did and don't regret it at all. If anything I would have more, but I think we're now at capacity in terms of the time and attention we can give them. There's been some really hard days but I'm so glad we did it.

whatthejuice · 15/01/2023 17:30

We umm'd and ahh'd about a third child for a year.
In the end we decided not to for a few reasons.
Financially, 3 is obviously more expensive.
An inexplicable feeling of not wanting to push our luck, having had 2 healthy happy kids.
And realistically I would've been 38 having another baby. Not too old by any means but on the older side and I would've had the feeling that I'd have been in the pregnant/newborn/toddler phase for basically my entire 30s 😂
We made the decision in the knowledge that my two children would grow up with similarly aged cousins who live nearby too.

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 15/01/2023 17:32

Never have more kids than you have hands has always been my motto.

However in your situation I wouldn't have a third. With significant SEND, and you saying it is already very hard work sometimes can you really deal with a tiny baby with everything else going on. Also what if the third child has significant SEND could you as a family cope with it?

keepareaclean · 15/01/2023 17:32

I wouldn't. What if child 3 has SEN?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/01/2023 17:32

Honestly I think 3 children is selfish on the other two, throw in SND and I definitely wouldn’t

lunar1 · 15/01/2023 17:35

How much (if anything) does your NT miss out on when you are managing your other child? How many things does your child with SEND have to do for the sake of your other child that make things harder for them?

Can you envisage dividing your time further and neither of your existing children suffering for it?

I always wanted three, it wasn't to be for many reasons.

jojojanner · 15/01/2023 17:49

I'd have to say no, simply because my youngest has autism and adhd and my oldest really feels it, dc2 is very well behaved and while dc2 takes all our energy and time and it's not fair.

pbdr · 15/01/2023 18:01

I personally wouldn't. If things are already tough with two, one of which has SEN, then having even another healthy child will stretch you further, and mean less time and resources for your existing children. If child number 3 also has SEN/health problems/neurodiverse then the potential negative impact on your other children is even greater. It is ultimately your decision, but I think that decision should prioritise the best interests of your existing children over your urge to have another baby.

Original poster
confusedaboutathird · 16/01/2023 22:06

Thanks for your advice. Not many saying go for it! Not what I wanted to hear but I did ask! Thanks

OP posts:
leithreas · 16/01/2023 22:12

I think to have a good parenting experience it's really important to know your limits. For me personally, that was 2. I didn't want to just manage or get through it, I wanted to enjoy it and I wanted my children to get the best of me not a worn-down version of me. I think only you know your limits and know how your elder child's SN will manifest itself as he grows older.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/01/2023 22:20

Our third was significantly ill and has severe SEN, I would not have anymore, it wouldn't be fair for the older two who since their youngest sibling has been born have unfortunately been sidelined more often than I am comfortable with.

I love them all very much, but if I could click my fingers back to two I would.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 16/01/2023 22:25

I wouldn’t my youngest has additional needs it’s currently lots of appointments and meeting so we decided to stop and just focus on the DC we have.

EezyOozy · 16/01/2023 22:28

I worry I won't cope as day to day things can be really hard because of the usual stresses of having young children, especially one with SEND

I wouldn’t.

Ive got two NT children and the wheels would fall off if I had a third.

Copperoliverbear · 16/01/2023 22:32

Three changes the dynamics a lot. X

Spyrothedragon23 · 31/03/2023 15:41

@confusedaboutathird did you make a decision or still thinking? Just wondering as I would love a third but different reasons not to have another

Original poster
confusedaboutathird · 31/03/2023 15:53

@Spyrothedragon23 I think I'll probably always be still thinking a bit unless and until it becomes a physical impossibility, if that makes sense? I am however, sadly, 99% sure it's a no for me / us because: 1. DH is a firm no and I don't want it enough to try to persuade him; and 2. Truthfully, I can barely handle the two I've already got in my current life setup. Heaven forbid if anything happened to further complicate things. I can't imagine how I'd cope with another baby. And I don't want to live life that close to the edge. I would still love another, but I think if I am honest with myself it's too risky / selfish? Thanks for asking. I don't think I'll ever be entirely at peace with the "decision" though. I liked the other thread I saw about the language of choice not being helpful. It's all very different these days where having a baby is thought to be an active choice when years ago you just got what you were given babies-wise (or not).

OP posts:
goodkidsmaadhouse · 31/03/2023 16:36

Sorry but I don’t think I would either. And I say that being very happy with 3. But even with 3 NT kids, one of them is quite often going through something - whether it’s illness or injury or friendship drama or… Throw SEN into the mix and that might make it very hard to meet everyone’s needs. One of my good friends has 3 kids with SEN (I know this wouldn’t be your situation either way, but even if you happened to have 2) and it is very, very hard to meet their often opposing needs (one makes a lot of noise, one hates noise… etc).

Swipe left for the next trending thread