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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To challenge my daughters behaviour.

34 replies

MaryBerrysCamelToe · 15/01/2023 16:57

My daughter is 18 and attends university in the next city over (80 miles) 3days per week and still lives at home, no job.
She has up until now being amazing but has recently got a boyfriend. He seems nice but smokes weed heavily. She has been sensible in that she has got the contraceptive injection, but I noticed at Christmas that she had cuts to her arms (she doesn't know that I have noticed this), they are both emo/goth and I fear this is a phase as she hasn't done it before, but maybe I'm wrong.
She reeks of weed when she comes home from his house and when she goes to his house to stay I don't hear from her for days and have no idea if/when she's coming home. He loves 80 miles away so it's not like it's around the corner.
He stayed overnight at our house for 2 night over Christmas hols and I then found out they had brought weed into our home and kept going out to smoke it bringing the smell into the house which I was not happy about. Her room stinks of it from her jackets etc hung up in her room.
I know she is 18 but she still lives here and I feel really worried about her and a bit disrespected.
AIbu? And how do I deal with/ approach this. I'm by no means a fuddy and did stuff when I was at college many moons ago, but I wouldn't have took it into my parents house and gone off grid for days on end.

OP posts:
PatrickBasedman · 15/01/2023 17:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 15/01/2023 17:25

She has cuts to her arms and your main concern is that you’re being disrespected?

Original poster
MaryBerrysCamelToe · 15/01/2023 17:43

I don't know where you have got that from @Whatatimetobealivetoday as the first part of that sentence says 'I'm worried about her'.

OP posts:
Tiani4 · 15/01/2023 17:45

So she's doing university course and is living at home
Her maintenance allowances etc will be based on that which can't be changed mid year

She's got herself involved with a bf who smokes weed. That's the bit where you need boundaries- no smoking weed when at your house etc
Advising her that you can smell it in her clothes so can she be careful and you are worried about her

Original poster
MaryBerrysCamelToe · 15/01/2023 17:46

Tiani4 · 15/01/2023 17:45

So she's doing university course and is living at home
Her maintenance allowances etc will be based on that which can't be changed mid year

She's got herself involved with a bf who smokes weed. That's the bit where you need boundaries- no smoking weed when at your house etc
Advising her that you can smell it in her clothes so can she be careful and you are worried about her

Thanks for this, how would u approach the lack of communication and self harm?

OP posts:
Tiani4 · 15/01/2023 17:46

Unfortunately you can't stop your Dd from making bad decisions now she's an adult even though a very newbie one at 18!!

mogsrus · 15/01/2023 17:46

It’s your house & this behaviour you do not agree with, so you have 2options, 1 she moves out 2. you remind her in no uncertain terms that, it IS your house but you will not tolerate this anymore, so she ends up with the same options, she’ll get huffy, understandably but she still has the same options. It’s not acceptable

Pinkbonbon · 15/01/2023 17:48

I'd be more concerned she was being abused.

Self harm is often either 1. A cry for help

  1. A form of self punishment due to feeling worthless (due to abuse)
  2. A way of being in control of our pain. Eg: 'I control what hurts me, no one else. At least I have this freedom'.

Or a combo of the above.

She could also be bipolar or similar.

I would gently press her to see her gp. 'I love you kiddo but I'm worried about you. Please don't smoke weed anymore as I feel its affecting your mental health. If you must, then be aware I won't tolerate it in the house. And I want you to go talk to your gp about whatever going on with you. You don't need to tell me but you clearly need help from someone. So please go'

Greatly · 15/01/2023 17:48

Well I would say
Ellie I saw cuts on your arms. Are you ok?

Old fashioned maybe!

Tiani4 · 15/01/2023 17:48

I would do something together like make a meal and talk sideways
I've noticed your arms, I'm worried you are self harming. How can we support you ?
Remove razors from bathroom but at her age she can buy more unlike a younger teenager

Look up local self harm support groups and advice for you, and remember it's about feeling lack of control and stress. So it's a softly softly approach ..

ChristmasTensions · 15/01/2023 17:50

Your reaction is rather dramatic to a bit of weed smoking.

Tiani4 · 15/01/2023 17:51

I would not make ultimatums nor try to throw your DD out. She needs love not criticism as that will exacerbate her feelings of loss of control

So I disagree with other Pps
I have several friends with a DD each who self harms etc
It is not easy to treat or reduce, it's about harm minimisation and it is only helped by love, kindness, support not ultimatums, judgement nor anger

ChristmasTensions · 15/01/2023 17:51

Whereas you seem to be underreacting to the self harm issue — have you asked her about it? She needs support.

Thedaysthatremain · 15/01/2023 17:51

What difference does it make if its a phase or not?

Greatly · 15/01/2023 17:53

ChristmasTensions · 15/01/2023 17:50

Your reaction is rather dramatic to a bit of weed smoking.

I don't like weed.

I know my older dds have done/do smoke it, but I don't want it in the house and I'd expect my dd not to smoke it in or around the house. I think that's absolutely fine. We don't all have to be the Cool Mom.

JustForABitofFun · 15/01/2023 17:54

ChristmasTensions · 15/01/2023 17:50

Your reaction is rather dramatic to a bit of weed smoking.

A lot of weed smoking from her boyfriend.

And then smoking it in her parents home.

It's known to make some people paranoid. She's now got cuts to her arms!

Onnabugeisha · 15/01/2023 17:56

I’d ask her about her arms and tell her weed can cause the feelings that lead to cutting. Encourage her to perhaps stop smoking week.

SmileyClare · 15/01/2023 17:56

She still lives at home so needs to let you know if she’s staying at her bf’s and for how long and reply to your texts when you check in with her.
Explain that she needs to be respectful of you and appreciate you worry when she’s missing for days.

I disagree with the advice to kick her out.

Keep communication as open as possible so that she can ask for support if she needs to.

Shes smoking weed with her bf. I don’t think that’s a big disaster that will end in her hooked on hard drugs. It’s very common amongst uni students as is a culture of drinking.

Does she keep you in the loop as to how her studies are going?

Parenting teens as they make mistakes and find themselves is tough, I sympathise x

Tiggy321 · 15/01/2023 18:05

Having a 20 yr old living at home who smokes weed I can only sympathise. He now after many rows about it, does not smoke in the house (was hanging out of windows etc) as I detest the smell. Also what it does to young MH.
I would insist your daughter keeps the weed in sealed bags/ boxes and leaves the smelly clothes in the garage etc
I would be concerned about the cuts tho. Talk to her about it .

Greatly · 15/01/2023 18:14

I have a sibling who suffered a full on psychotic breakdown after smoking weed. It's really not a brilliant thing to be doing all the time.

MissWings · 15/01/2023 18:29

I think that’s your problem. Trying to be the cool mum. My own mum a mental health nurse had ZERO tolerance to cannabis. It’s disastrous for some peoples mental health and self harm IS a sign of poor mental health. I wouldn’t have had her smoking it or keeping it in my house and she would have been instantly challenged. I do think goth and emo kids can be a little bit…. Strange to say the least and usually severely lacking in self confidence. I don’t really know what to suggest but not being okay about cannabis is NOT fuddy. I’m 34 with a teen and I would not be okay about that.

Original poster
MaryBerrysCamelToe · 15/01/2023 18:39

ChristmasTensions · 15/01/2023 17:50

Your reaction is rather dramatic to a bit of weed smoking.

It stinks, I have small children and from the smells it's not just 'a bit' of weed it's rather a lot

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryBerrysCamelToe · 15/01/2023 18:40

Tiani4 · 15/01/2023 17:48

I would do something together like make a meal and talk sideways
I've noticed your arms, I'm worried you are self harming. How can we support you ?
Remove razors from bathroom but at her age she can buy more unlike a younger teenager

Look up local self harm support groups and advice for you, and remember it's about feeling lack of control and stress. So it's a softly softly approach ..

This is a great idea, will see if I can get an afternoon with her and try this approach.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryBerrysCamelToe · 15/01/2023 18:41

For the record I am NOT in any way wanting to throw her out. I just want to make sure she is okay, offer support and ask her not to bring drugs (no matter what class) into my home with small children.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryBerrysCamelToe · 15/01/2023 18:42

ChristmasTensions · 15/01/2023 17:51

Whereas you seem to be underreacting to the self harm issue — have you asked her about it? She needs support.

Ffs I haven't under reacted to anything, I have yet to react at all hence why I'm asking for opinions.

OP posts: