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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To challenge my daughters behaviour.

34 replies

MaryBerrysCamelToe · 15/01/2023 16:57

My daughter is 18 and attends university in the next city over (80 miles) 3days per week and still lives at home, no job.
She has up until now being amazing but has recently got a boyfriend. He seems nice but smokes weed heavily. She has been sensible in that she has got the contraceptive injection, but I noticed at Christmas that she had cuts to her arms (she doesn't know that I have noticed this), they are both emo/goth and I fear this is a phase as she hasn't done it before, but maybe I'm wrong.
She reeks of weed when she comes home from his house and when she goes to his house to stay I don't hear from her for days and have no idea if/when she's coming home. He loves 80 miles away so it's not like it's around the corner.
He stayed overnight at our house for 2 night over Christmas hols and I then found out they had brought weed into our home and kept going out to smoke it bringing the smell into the house which I was not happy about. Her room stinks of it from her jackets etc hung up in her room.
I know she is 18 but she still lives here and I feel really worried about her and a bit disrespected.
AIbu? And how do I deal with/ approach this. I'm by no means a fuddy and did stuff when I was at college many moons ago, but I wouldn't have took it into my parents house and gone off grid for days on end.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryBerrysCamelToe · 15/01/2023 18:43

Thedaysthatremain · 15/01/2023 17:51

What difference does it make if its a phase or not?

I was simply explaining that I don't think it's a mental health issue. Her bf is covered in them and she hasn't ever done this until now.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryBerrysCamelToe · 15/01/2023 18:46

MissWings · 15/01/2023 18:29

I think that’s your problem. Trying to be the cool mum. My own mum a mental health nurse had ZERO tolerance to cannabis. It’s disastrous for some peoples mental health and self harm IS a sign of poor mental health. I wouldn’t have had her smoking it or keeping it in my house and she would have been instantly challenged. I do think goth and emo kids can be a little bit…. Strange to say the least and usually severely lacking in self confidence. I don’t really know what to suggest but not being okay about cannabis is NOT fuddy. I’m 34 with a teen and I would not be okay about that.

How am I trying to be the cool mum? I wanted to approach her and talk about it at Christmas but she went to her bf and hasn't been home since

OP posts:
Josette77 · 15/01/2023 19:42

MaryBerrysCamelToe · 15/01/2023 18:43

I was simply explaining that I don't think it's a mental health issue. Her bf is covered in them and she hasn't ever done this until now.

Show quote history

No one hurts themselves as a faze. It is absolutely a mental health issue. I self harmed. My neices both do. My brother thought one of them self harmed because of her friends. He thinks she stopped years ago. She never did she just hid it better.

SmileyClare · 15/01/2023 20:03

There is a pronounced link between emo-goth teens and self harm.

It can be a tool to handle difficult emotions or to communicate distress.
However it can also be to identify with the sub culture and a way to feel part of (and accepted by) the goth group.

it might help to read some articles on goth/emo culture amongst teens?

Universities usually offer good counselling services and mental health support. Difficult to broach but could you make your dd aware of those?

I don’t think you’re trying to be a “cool mum”. A knee jerk reaction to the weed smoking is likely to push her away and stop her communicating with you so I understand why you want to broach it carefully.

Try to book in some mum - daughter time where you can talk: cooking a meal or walking or in the car means it’s easier for teens to open up (less eye contact) and a less pressured atmosphere.

Good luck; as a mum of teens I understand the worry and frustration x

Original poster
MaryBerrysCamelToe · 15/01/2023 21:39

SmileyClare · 15/01/2023 20:03

There is a pronounced link between emo-goth teens and self harm.

It can be a tool to handle difficult emotions or to communicate distress.
However it can also be to identify with the sub culture and a way to feel part of (and accepted by) the goth group.

it might help to read some articles on goth/emo culture amongst teens?

Universities usually offer good counselling services and mental health support. Difficult to broach but could you make your dd aware of those?

I don’t think you’re trying to be a “cool mum”. A knee jerk reaction to the weed smoking is likely to push her away and stop her communicating with you so I understand why you want to broach it carefully.

Try to book in some mum - daughter time where you can talk: cooking a meal or walking or in the car means it’s easier for teens to open up (less eye contact) and a less pressured atmosphere.

Good luck; as a mum of teens I understand the worry and frustration x

That's what I've been reading about the subculture etc @SmileyClare.
She hasn't done it up until now and I know this as we are real beach goers and we had a recent holiday where she was in swimwear and nothing on her arms then.

I can't argue that there is a strong link to mental health issues/ depression etc but before having this bf and turning goth she hadn't done it.
Thanks for your reply

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 16/01/2023 02:48

Tiani4 · 15/01/2023 17:48

I would do something together like make a meal and talk sideways
I've noticed your arms, I'm worried you are self harming. How can we support you ?
Remove razors from bathroom but at her age she can buy more unlike a younger teenager

Look up local self harm support groups and advice for you, and remember it's about feeling lack of control and stress. So it's a softly softly approach ..

Actually if someone is regularly self harming in this way the recommendation isn't to remove sharp objects (eg razor blades) - its actually to limit harm by ensuring antiseptic and dressings are available.

JudgeRudy · 16/01/2023 02:58

The wounds you noticed could be part of a 'love pact' sharing experience rather than self harm...but id still be having a 'casual'chat about this when things are running smoothly. It's a tough one with her being over 18 as you can't really stop her seeing this boyfriend but you can dictate what goes on under your roof.
Why isn't she working at all? Where is she getting money for weed? If you're giving her picket money that needs to stop. Feed her and give her a roof over her head but other than that, nothing. That might prompt her to get a job (and start mixing with different people) or for boyfriend to get fed up of subsidising her. Just be aware though that a lot, and I mean a LOT of youngsters smoke weed. Don't think it's all BF fault.

HandsOffMyCarrierBags · 16/01/2023 03:46

Personally I’d ask her about the self harm and ask what you can do to support. Connect with her through her hobbies and interests. Do things together weekly.

Firm boundaries about no smoking in your house. Provide online information about drugs, health impact. Knowledge is power and at least you know she will be making informed choices - unless she is particularly vulnerable as an individual, in which case you may need to watch out for county lines, addiction, exploitation. However huge numbers of kids just smoke weed in the same manner you might have a glass of wine in the evening.

what are her hobbies and interests? Are there any part time jobs which can link to these? A bit of responsibility in an area she loves could be good. This could help her move forward.

Maray1967 · 16/01/2023 06:50

MaryBerrysCamelToe · 15/01/2023 18:41

For the record I am NOT in any way wanting to throw her out. I just want to make sure she is okay, offer support and ask her not to bring drugs (no matter what class) into my home with small children.

You don’t ask her not to bring drugs into your home, you tell her not to. Calmly, but clearly. And yes, you should tell her you are concerned about what she’s doing to her arms.

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