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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find new partners constant texting irritating?

71 replies

Supernova23 · 15/01/2023 16:25

We've been seeing each other for a couple of months but his demandingness and constant texting is driving me insane. Normally there are messages on my phone before I'm up in the morning and messages at various points throughout the day even though he knows I'm at work and can't look at my phone. Then more messages when he gets back from work, then more when I get back, right up until bedtime. Even my phone asks if I want to mute the conversation.

Is this "normal"? because it's driving me crazy. I've asked for a bit of space this weekend as I'm tired from work and need to catch up with things, but now he's ignoring me, so I can't win.

OP posts:

ImBlueDab · 16/01/2023 06:28

Some people like and need that contact, others don't. Doesn't sound like you're that compatible, I'd dislike it too. Actually scratch that, he sounds need and a tad stalkerish

Moobae · 16/01/2023 06:30

As someone else said he’s hoping to move in with you. This is a tactic called love bombing. Usually wasted men with nothing use it.
block him or have a ponce on your hands

TenoringBehind · 16/01/2023 06:40

He sounds controlling and needy.

if he’s irritating now in the honeymoon phase then he’s not worth sticking with. This should be the stage at which you think they’re amazing and have no flaws.

Jaxinthebox · 16/01/2023 06:42

yuk time to say adios to this fishy

honestlyno · 16/01/2023 06:48

I had this with a guy, he'd also call all the time too. I'd see his name flash up and I'd become (irrationally) livid and want to scream 'WHAT THE F DO YOU WANT NOW?' Needless to say, I ended it.

I'm not usually a doom monger on here but I think it shows an incompatibility.

PinkSyCo · 16/01/2023 06:53

I love that even your phone’s fed up of him haha. Seriously though his neediness and then the sulking would put me right off!

gamerchick · 16/01/2023 06:56

You're not compatible OP. Imagine what it would be like living with him if it wasnt an act to get his feet under the table?

If he's irritating you now, that just gets worse. I'd say goodbye to this one. Sorry man.

happinessischocolate · 16/01/2023 07:08

I had a relationship with a guy like this last year. Three time I tried finishing the relationship face to face and he just wouldn't accept it, promised to changed etc, I had to dump him by text in the end and even then he kept asking to meet and talk one more time.

Good luck getting rid of him.

ComfortablyDazed · 16/01/2023 07:16

Supernova23 · 15/01/2023 21:37

Don’t get me wrong, he has good points. He’s educated, attractive, and has a decent job. But he’s extremely needy to the point where I’m getting the massive ick, and he doesn’t seem to get what I’m telling him. I’ve read the texts and he’s said he’s not angry at me for not wanting to see him today but it “upset” him. Really??

I was out yesterday and said I would be finished at 5, he text me at 5pm exactly.

Show quote history

Er, thanks for not being angry about something you have no earthly reason to be angry about….

Glorianna · 16/01/2023 07:25

he’s said he’s not angry at me for not wanting to see him today but it “upset” him.

That’s not just needy, that’s him trying to condition you into obedience.

BertieBotts · 16/01/2023 07:26

It shouldn't be this complicated and stressful this early on!

Honestly not a good relationship. And he could have all the good points in the world and it wouldn't balance this out. Not respecting boundaries is a huge deal.

Moranguinho · 16/01/2023 07:34

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 15/01/2023 16:43

I recently finished with someone and double/treble/quadruple texting and phoning me every evening were one of the reasons. After a day at work I wanted an uninterrupted evening. I told him I felt hounded, he'd apologise and sound a bit embarrassed, but then the texting would start again. I stopped answering the phone. That level of neediness and contact really wore me down.

That happened to me too ☝️ from experience, it doesn't seem to matter what we say, it's just the way the person is. It's a bad fit.

AnnieApple123 · 16/01/2023 07:34

I dated someone like this years ago and I felt the same. The updates were so mundane as well: ‘Just cooking dinner. Sausages and mash tonight’ … ‘Loading the dishwasher now.’

Justleaveitblankthen · 16/01/2023 07:42

100% agree with the PP who say he is a very short time away from attempting to move in with you.
Yes, it will be some sort of 'disaster' /problem with his flat/landlord/health etc and he will manipulate you into agreeing "Just for a day or so" (Then he'll make himself indespensible around the home with basic stuff you forget you could easily manage yourself)

He's working on all of this with each text he sends.
He wants to be first and foremost in your life throughout every day. He's probably terrified that you will dump him before he wins you over.

Don't make my mistake OP, get rid of him before this.

Nolosomi · 16/01/2023 07:58

So many red flags here, I couldn’t stand this for one minute. He needs to go OP.

toddlermum83 · 16/01/2023 08:05

Are you going to finish it OP?

Trixiefirecracker · 16/01/2023 08:06

I would just text him back and say this isn’t going to work long term if you don’t allow me my space, explain you are not in to the constant texting and that going forward something needs to change in order for relationship to work. Or just tell him it’s over.

Weddi · 16/01/2023 08:07

I don’t know if it’s love bombing. Some people just like to text a lot, you’re clearly different and find it suffocating which is fair enough. Just ditch him, no point stressing about it.

Triffid1 · 16/01/2023 08:37

Supernova23 · 16/01/2023 05:33

Plays the victim. Actually literally just said what you said.

Show quote history

Men like this target certain types of women. I don't think it's even conscious. But he is 100% setting you up to be in a relationship where you are going to be doing everything in your power to keep him happy because his life is so hard. He has no one else. his family are far away/estranged. He's alone. etc etc.

The good news is that you are sensing this isn't right. Hence posting on here. Other women would be sucked in because they are good people and they want to make the people they love happy. But you sense this isn't right.

I'm afraid it will ONLY get worse. Soon the sulking will start - you didn't text me, we don't spend enough time together, why do you have to go out with mary when we could have a nice evening together, do you have to be friends with that man he makes me feel so uncomfortable...

I'm afraid it's better to cut your losses now. I speak as someone who spent an incredulous 15 minutes on the weekend reading a series of text messages from a man like this to a very close friend who is, after 15 years, attempting finally to detangle herself.

GerbilsForever24 · 16/01/2023 08:38