Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband overreacting? I think I'm a bit unreasonable too perhaps?

34 replies

Question917 · 14/01/2023 23:33

So I'm willing to accept that maybe I'm a bit unreasonable too here but I do think my husband has overreacted a bit!

I have a male friend, I'll call him Ben for this thread, who I've known since I was a teenager. Used to be quite close but have drifted apart a lot since I moved away so we now only really chat occasionally by text and maybe see each other out every now and then when I go back to where I used to live.

I need to add here that NOTHING romantic has ever remotely happened between me and Ben, not when we were teens and not since, it's has never been anything more than a platonic friendship.

My husband knows of Ben They have met a couple of times and he was at our wedding.

Tonight I was going out with some old friends (who also know said male friend) near where I used to live. Last time I spoke to Ben we'd said we must let each other know if we are ever nearby so we could catch up.

So before going out I text Ben and said 'having drinks with X Y and Z tonight nearby if you fancy joining?'

My husband only saw Ben's incoming reply to say he was busy tonight but for me to have a nice night and maybe next time.

Well DH has gone made about this saying I am hiding it from him because I didn't immediately tell him I'd asked Ben to come out, that I'm trying to secretly meet up with single guys behind his back (as far as I know Ben is single at the moment but hasn't been for a lot of our friendship and I don't see what difference it makes!!), It's apparently inappropriate for me to be arranging to meet up with men on a night out etc etc.

AIBU here?! I didn't keep anything from DH, I just didn't mention it (I didn't think I had to!), I did not hide my phone or Ben's reply or anything, I'm not arsed that DH knew as there was absolutely nothing dodgy going on in my message or request!

I can sort of see how it may look but then I think well you know this person? You know they are a friend, is it really that unreasonable to ask a friend to join you if they are free just because they happen to be of the opposite sex?

Admittedly DH doesn't really have any female friends apart from one he worked with ages ago and I just can't see myself getting worked up over him doing the same.

So tell me... AIBU?

OP posts:
FurAndFeathers · 14/01/2023 23:37

No you aren’t unreasonable. Would your DH expect you to report to him before texting an old female friend to join your group for drinks?
Does he expect you to ask for permission?

how is your marriage generally - it’s odd for this reaction to come out of the blue considering you’ve maintains a friendship with Ben for years.
many chance DH could be redirecting or are things a bit rocky?

Original poster
Question917 · 14/01/2023 23:39

FurAndFeathers · 14/01/2023 23:37

No you aren’t unreasonable. Would your DH expect you to report to him before texting an old female friend to join your group for drinks?
Does he expect you to ask for permission?

how is your marriage generally - it’s odd for this reaction to come out of the blue considering you’ve maintains a friendship with Ben for years.
many chance DH could be redirecting or are things a bit rocky?

Generally things are okay, not amazing but not terrible either.

We did have an argument earlier on (unrelated), but things were okay between us by the time the text incident happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Question917 · 14/01/2023 23:40

He said he thinks I should have told him that I'd asked Ben to join us because otherwise it looks like I'm trying to hide it. I absolutely wasn't I just wasn't aware I needed to inform him as I didn't think it was a big deal.

Add to that this all happened in the space of about 3 mins between me asking and him replying to say he couldn't!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2023 23:42

Generally things are okay, not amazing but not terrible either.

Not exactly a ringing endorsement for marriage. Your husband is being a real twat about this.

TheOpenRoad · 14/01/2023 23:42

YANBU! Is DH expecting you to run all your social arrangements by him? It's not unreasonable at all to ask a friend to join a group outing. If it was a 1-1 and I knew my DH was sensitive about it, I'd probably tell him beforehand.

Original poster
Question917 · 14/01/2023 23:45

He also said it was "weird" because I hadn't asked all of my female friends if they wanted to join us (was going out with some female friends anyway but there are others I could have asked I guess but really can't see why it matters).

OP posts:
Original poster
Question917 · 14/01/2023 23:47

As thought it would only have been acceptable if I'd have also asked all the women I know if they wanted to join us rather than picking out a single man to invite.

I asked him outright, are you saying you think something is going on with me and Ben? He said no but it's not appropriate... Hm.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 14/01/2023 23:49

He’s being ridiculous. Of course YANBU.

Original poster
Question917 · 15/01/2023 07:16

Thanks for the replies!

OP posts:
RobinRobinMouse · 15/01/2023 07:22

Maybe a little out, but if I think about it in reverse with dh and I, I know I wouldn't be too happy about it. Think I'd be a bit miffed rather than go mad though.

SunshineAndFizz · 15/01/2023 07:40

I don't think I'd be particularly happy if my DH was texting to meet another girl.

I know you said nothings ever happened, but marriage has boundaries and mutual respect.

SmileWithADimple · 15/01/2023 07:46

But she wasn't arranging to meet just Ben, it was part of a bigger group.

OP - your DH is in the wrong here.

SallyWD · 15/01/2023 08:11

You're not unreasonable at all. I have male friends who I make arrangements with without getting DH's permission. Of course, I'll tell DH either once arrangements are made or after I've met them. It's exactly the same with female friends. No difference. DH is fine with me seeing male friends. He also has good female friends. We're all adults.

Original poster
Question917 · 15/01/2023 08:13

Yes to clarify, it was part of a group. Not just me on my own arranging to meet Ben.

OP posts:
Jimboscott0115 · 15/01/2023 08:15

Basically OP it comes down to this.. your husband has likely always felt a bit insecure about yours and Ben's close friendship and this drove his reaction as silly as it may be.

You're not being unreasonable at all but feels like something a bit of a chat should sort.

Happin · 15/01/2023 08:18

YANBU, some people can't handle their partner having friends of the opposite sex. Your DH is one of them.

hettie · 15/01/2023 08:23

For me and in my relationship that would be totally weird behaviour....I'd be gob smacked if dh did that and call out his ridiculous behaviour.... Jog on with controlling toss pot twatness. I also couldn't care less who he meets when. I would never quiz him on his social arrangements.

SlaveToTheVibe · 15/01/2023 08:36

Your husband is a tool

Shoxfordian · 15/01/2023 08:40

He’s a jealous idiot
Yanbu

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 15/01/2023 08:42

He’s clearly insecure about your relationship with Ben.

As an aside, I don’t think you did anything wrong towards your husband but I do think asking a male pal of yours to join a women’s night out would piss me off if I were one of the women. When I’m with my female friends I don’t want some guy joining us and changing the atmosphere.
(again, not the point of your post and you are still NBU)

Summersolargirl · 15/01/2023 08:51

What a twat, he’s let his jealousy get the better of him. That would give me the Ick.

inform him it’s 2022, you’re a grown ass woman, you are not his chattel and you don’t need to inform him of which friends you chose to text or go out with in advance,.

BunchHarman · 15/01/2023 09:07

Your husband is an insecure little twerp.

MRex · 15/01/2023 09:52

I often meet male friends, there are a group of us, so sometimes it might just be two of us. Or work colleagues are mostly men, so again I might go out with one after work. Most of them DH has meet, the closer friends he's met quite a lot. Particularly men I've known long before DH and I even met, it would be really silly for there to be any jealousy. So yeah, I think your DH is being massively unreasonable.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 15/01/2023 09:58

I agree with what @HiccupHorrendousHaddock says...

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/01/2023 10:21

You've done absolutely nothing wrong here. Flip it round, if youd asked a woman to join you last min and she had said no, would you have told him? Why would you tell him for a platonic male? It's a complete non issue that he has massively blown up

To me it would have only been inappropriate if it had just been you and Ben on a night out or if Ben had come, your husband had asked who was there and youd named everyone other than ben.