Husband overreacting? I think I'm a bit unreasonable too perhaps?

[Question917]

So I'm willing to accept that maybe I'm a bit unreasonable too here but I do think my husband has overreacted a bit!

I have a male friend, I'll call him Ben for this thread, who I've known since I was a teenager. Used to be quite close but have drifted apart a lot since I moved away so we now only really chat occasionally by text and maybe see each other out every now and then when I go back to where I used to live.

I need to add here that NOTHING romantic has ever remotely happened between me and Ben, not when we were teens and not since, it's has never been anything more than a platonic friendship.

My husband knows of Ben They have met a couple of times and he was at our wedding.

Tonight I was going out with some old friends (who also know said male friend) near where I used to live. Last time I spoke to Ben we'd said we must let each other know if we are ever nearby so we could catch up.

So before going out I text Ben and said 'having drinks with X Y and Z tonight nearby if you fancy joining?'

My husband only saw Ben's incoming reply to say he was busy tonight but for me to have a nice night and maybe next time.

Well DH has gone made about this saying I am hiding it from him because I didn't immediately tell him I'd asked Ben to come out, that I'm trying to secretly meet up with single guys behind his back (as far as I know Ben is single at the moment but hasn't been for a lot of our friendship and I don't see what difference it makes!!), It's apparently inappropriate for me to be arranging to meet up with men on a night out etc etc.

AIBU here?! I didn't keep anything from DH, I just didn't mention it (I didn't think I had to!), I did not hide my phone or Ben's reply or anything, I'm not arsed that DH knew as there was absolutely nothing dodgy going on in my message or request!

I can sort of see how it may look but then I think well you know this person? You know they are a friend, is it really that unreasonable to ask a friend to join you if they are free just because they happen to be of the opposite sex?

Admittedly DH doesn't really have any female friends apart from one he worked with ages ago and I just can't see myself getting worked up over him doing the same.

So tell me... AIBU?

Also how did he see Ben's reply? Was he going through your phone?

Would I think it wss completely normal to invite a long term male friend out when I was in the area? Yes.

Would I be slightly nervous of DH doing the same? Also yes.

I've got no reason not to trust DH.

But I know my own intentions, and you can never be 100% sure of someone else's.

Do I choose to trust DH despite not being a mind reader? Also yes.

Probably one of the most sensible and balanced replies I've seen on MN!

Totally agree.

YANBU, he's massively overreacting. Do you need to run the names of people you meet past him so he can deem them appropriate or not?

This wouldn't bother me at all.

Hmm I can see both sides.

I don’t think you did anything wrong.

But I can also see a situation where it would raise people’s suspicions if their partner said ‘I am going out with X and Y’ and then later it turns out the also invited ‘z’.

and let’s be honest if a female op wrote ‘dh was going out 2 friends tonight. I saw a message in his phone from a woman he has been friends with for years, saying she couldn’t make it. I feel a bit odd because he didn’t tell me he had invited her and I feel like he was hiding it’

Loads of people would be tell her she would be right to be suspicious.

I think it’s one of those situations where I can understand both your actions and his feelings.

Not from me. I don’t subscribe to the MN pearl clutching about opposite sex friendships whether it’s the wife or husband involved.

But surely, if she told him it's 2022 he'll wonder what else she's lying about?

And it took you how many months to comment on that?