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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reject money as a solution

31 replies

Betyboo333 · 14/01/2023 22:10

My husband has started a successful business which he works hard on, and it will hopefully provide a big windfall for the family over the next few years.

However I am feeling resentful that despite also having a stressful full time job, I am having to pick up the lion's share of kid and house responsibilities. I know this is unfortunately not that unusual but it's making me miserable and grumpy. My husband has acknowledged that he has no interest in helping with these things, but sees that it is causing stress for me and for our relationship. Instead of helping, he wants to throw money at it by hiring a cleaner/housekeeper every day (currently have a cleaner once a week) to do what I see as our shared responsibilities... tidying, washing, cooking, kid stuff. For me this is completely missing the point...I want a husband that is present and contributes, not just a financial provider. I've also always been fairly prudent with money and this just feels completely frivolous. AIBU?? Or should I just be grateful that he's offering to pay for someone to take this stuff off my plate?

OP posts:
TrivialSoul · 14/01/2023 22:12

You don't want to do these jobs alone, he doesn't want to do these jobs. You both have the means to have someone else do the jobs therefore neither of you needing to do them. I'd say that he has offered a practical and sensible solution.

VladmirsPoutine · 14/01/2023 22:16

What's your solution? There's a difference between him checking out of family life and him not wanting to be sorting laundry every day/ cleaning. If it's the former then speak to him about that if it's the latter you're being unreasonable if he's happy to pay for a cleaner.

n0shy · 14/01/2023 22:20

I agree with @TrivialSoul does it matter who does the housework etc if hes willing to pay for it and you have the means to do so then let him and you can enjoy the time it frees up. I'd love to be in that position!

SnackyOnassis · 14/01/2023 22:20

If you can hire help to do the household running, that will free you both up logistically and mentally to allow more time for kid stuff.
The house doesn't know it's not the people who own it who are cleaning it, and the laundry won't be hurt if it's not you two pushing it through. The kids are the ones who can tell the difference between actual parents and help, so that's where you put your time.
If it's affordable, do it for 6 months and see how it goes and how it affects your household, then review.

RiceRiceBaby16 · 14/01/2023 22:21

TrivialSoul · 14/01/2023 22:12

You don't want to do these jobs alone, he doesn't want to do these jobs. You both have the means to have someone else do the jobs therefore neither of you needing to do them. I'd say that he has offered a practical and sensible solution.

Agreed. Otherwise he is forced to do what he doesn't want to do- just like you don't want to be forced to do all the housework.

GoldilockMom · 14/01/2023 22:22

I’d say take it! It’s for a few short years. When he makes it financially you can scale back.

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/01/2023 22:22

He isn't taking it off your plate, he's taking it off his own. He feels his time is spent better building the business up rather tha doing housework.

onionringcheeseypuff · 14/01/2023 22:27

I understand

He feels he's above these duties, good enough for you and too trivial for him to get involved in

You want a partner who, without being told, asked or timetabled to, just puts a stack of laundry away because it's there, and needs done. You don't want to become house manager of several staff, you just want him to run the dishwasher and take the bin out. I don't know why some otherwise good people think a clean and tidy and well run family home is not worth contributing to.

AutumnCrow · 14/01/2023 22:31

What is the 'kid stuff', @Betyboo333?

I think that's really important.

Original poster
Betyboo333 · 14/01/2023 22:36

School runs, clubs, kid admin, tidying up their crap...he's not bad when it comes to bedtimes, weekend play etc so not completely checking out of dad responsibilities, only if it clashes with when he feels he should be working (whereas I still have to juggle all that around my work, finishing early sometimes, working in the evening to make up etc)

OP posts:
GoldilockMom · 14/01/2023 22:39

Can you reduce your hours and take advantage of his work ethic?

Viviennemary · 14/01/2023 22:43

Of course it's a sensible solution to hire a cleaner and any other help needed to nake life easier.

Velvian · 14/01/2023 22:47

YANBU. Earning a wage is nowhere near enough of a contribution in a partner and Co-parent. Did he consult you before starting his own business? It wouldn't be what I want in a partner tbh.

WinterFoxes · 14/01/2023 22:48

I think he's being reasonable about everything except childcare. I'd happily get cleaners and housekeepers in to run my home smoothly every day. But I want to spend time with my own child and would expect my husband to make some time, especially at weekends, for us to have fun as a family together.

Original poster
Betyboo333 · 14/01/2023 22:55

Consensus seems to be that I should be grateful if the offer of help on the table...I appreciate the feedback, it's given me something to think about :)

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/01/2023 22:58

As long as he still spends time with the children, doing the things you list, I think it’s fine. Housework etc doesn’t have to be done by any particular person to be done well.

Shortpoet · 14/01/2023 23:08

Is he going to hire and book the daily cleaner, make sure they are doing what’s expected, pay them, manage round their holidays etc. Or is that also your job to sort out?

Original poster
Betyboo333 · 14/01/2023 23:11

Shortpoet · 14/01/2023 23:08

Is he going to hire and book the daily cleaner, make sure they are doing what’s expected, pay them, manage round their holidays etc. Or is that also your job to sort out?

Lol, good question...I think I could guess the answer!!

OP posts:
BMW6 · 15/01/2023 00:06

He doesn't want to do those jobs and is happy to outsource.

What's not to like? Are there domestic chores that you'd rather pay someone else to do?

whatstheteamarie · 15/01/2023 00:17

Outsource the work with the stipulation that your DH does the hiring etc and that the person you hire is male.

Your kids have watched you tidying/cleaning/cooking etc; now they need a positive male role model who does the same.

Normalise a male doing housework and hopefully your children won't grow up thinking housework is a woman's job (whether that woman is their mother or on a salary).

Coffeetableposhbooks · 15/01/2023 00:20

Oh I’m cringing for you op. Imagine being the person who demanded he did it and not his work

😳

Sunsetintheeast · 15/01/2023 00:20

Having staff is not easy either.

Coffeetableposhbooks · 15/01/2023 00:21

whatstheteamarie · 15/01/2023 00:17

Outsource the work with the stipulation that your DH does the hiring etc and that the person you hire is male.

Your kids have watched you tidying/cleaning/cooking etc; now they need a positive male role model who does the same.

Normalise a male doing housework and hopefully your children won't grow up thinking housework is a woman's job (whether that woman is their mother or on a salary).

Please don’t do this, hire the best person for the job, do not play into this sexist shit

Fizzadora · 15/01/2023 00:27

Why are you being such a martyr, and projecting your martyrdom on to him?
Tell him to don his sackcloth and ashes and sacrifice the family's potential wealth at the altar of household chores.
If you feel so strongly that these things should be done by you (both) and not outsourced then you should give up your job so you have time to do them. Your husband has more sense.

AutumnCrow · 15/01/2023 00:47

GoldilockMom · 14/01/2023 22:39

Can you reduce your hours and take advantage of his work ethic?

Why should the OP reduce her wages, pension, future earning potential, career prospects and professional reputation? So many women do this and regret it down the line.

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