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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does he speak to me like this?

60 replies

Trappedd · 14/01/2023 21:00

Hello,

I'm not sure if I've just been conditioned over the years to think this is normal but my partner and father of my kids takes stuff out on me all the time.

Just now, he overslept for work, he's not late yet but he will be cutting it fine. I'd been getting our youngest to sleep and had no idea he had fallen asleep himself, I went downstairs after getting youngest off and found him snoring. Shook him awake, he jumped up asking what the time was.

Then just went nuts - swearing at me, called me a cunt, a twat, punched the wall, screaming at me to get out of his way, called me a retard. I started crying, and he told me not to turn on the waterworks and to pack it in.

Why does he do this? He is normally fine but has this real nasty streak at times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trappedd · 14/01/2023 21:21

he will apologize, in which case if i accept all is forgotten about but if i don't it will change to him saying i'm exaggerating and it wasn't as bad as I'm making out, then will try turn it on me.

In this example, i imagine he will apologize in a bit, if i don't accept it will turn into well you KNEW I had work tonight to be fair, WHY didn't you wake me? Then it wasn't you I was angry at, it's myself, this is a favourite, saying he doesn't mean to take it out on me and it's himself he's really mad at

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2023 21:23

Your children will grow up thinking this is normal, and they will repeat this cycle of abuse in their own lives. They will become abusers or they will become a victim of abuse. You must leave him and you do it for your children.

Original poster
Trappedd · 14/01/2023 21:25

Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2023 21:23

Your children will grow up thinking this is normal, and they will repeat this cycle of abuse in their own lives. They will become abusers or they will become a victim of abuse. You must leave him and you do it for your children.

I know you're right, I'm so mad at myself for this situation.

I used to read stories on here myself, and want to scream at the screen for the shit some of these poor women were putting up with, I can't believe it has happened to me. Has opened my eyes to how easy it is to fall into

OP posts:
Felicity42 · 14/01/2023 21:27

Have you anyone in real life to confide in?

Original poster
Trappedd · 14/01/2023 21:28

my SIL, but she is with his cousin who is just as bad

OP posts:
Pansypotter123 · 14/01/2023 21:30

Him not hitting you doesn't make the rest of the abuse acceptable, and nor is the lack of physical abuse the bar at which you should be setting your relationship.

Please contact Women's Aid for advice or as for Ani at any Boots pharmacy. I'd also contact the police.

Felicity42 · 14/01/2023 21:31

Why can't he set an alarm on his phone for days he's working?
It's so simple. Then if he falls asleep anytime it'll still go off in plenty of time.
Why is he making you responsible for waking him? You could forget...or be busy or just nor watching the clock.

He's not your son.

Don't be excusing him on the grounds of being tired, stressed or emotional. He's a grown man.

Tearsndears · 14/01/2023 21:32

He speaks to you like that because he thinks he can get away with it . People will do to you what they can get away with

Ginger1982 · 14/01/2023 21:33

You need to leave. You owe it to your children. Doing nothing about this is wrong.

RichPetunia · 14/01/2023 21:33

Please contact Women’s Aid. They are there to offer support and can also help to get you new housing. Plus everything is confidential. They will also be happy to talk through your situation if that’s all you want to do at the moment and will be able to give you really helpful advice.

Stupidsuperdryhoody · 14/01/2023 21:35

Honestly, just get away from him.

My eldest daughters boyfriend used to punch walls and I repeatedly warned her that one day it would be her, and unfortunately I was right.

These men never ever change. There's nothing you can do other than protect yourself and your children.

WestwardHo1 · 14/01/2023 21:37

FFS of course YANBU 😲

How dare he treat you like that.

He's a bullying, abusive cunt. Leave him.

GreenManalishi · 14/01/2023 21:38

A black eye would be visible to others, but that's the only difference.

*everyone thinks he is such a gem
*
apart from the people who's opinion actually matters, you and the kids, who see who he is behind closed doors.

Seek some help, if you don't want this for you, just as importantly for the children

Delandra · 14/01/2023 21:40

He screwed up by falling asleep and was nearly late for work. You were busy with your child; he’s an adult and responsible for himself. The problem is he thinks it’s ok to speak to you like this. It’s not ok to fall asleep when you’re due to work and then lay blame with the partner. It’s not okay to start shouting, swearing, punching walls.

Can you talk to him in a safe space, away from the children where he can’t get angry?

Metabigot · 14/01/2023 21:44

Because you let him.

Stop letting him, he won't change.

Bryonny84 · 14/01/2023 21:48

Think of your children. I lived that life as a child, horrible dad abusing mum, no hitting just constant mental abuse. All her fault of course and she didn't leave so then it was our fault. Damages your kids. You need to make a plan to leave and do it soon. It's not you. It's him. I wish you all the good things that life has to offer you but you need to leave.

Festivfrenzy · 14/01/2023 21:50

Does he have any redeeming features? Does he expect you to always put up with him? My husband was awful while the kids were little when he knew I felt tied to him. As they got older and I felt stronger I stood up to him and he started to curb his outbursts. He knew if not that I'd be off. Good luck OP

LimeTwists · 14/01/2023 21:54

If everyone thinks he’s wonderful, imagine telling them exactly what you just told us he said, in front of him. Mouths would drop and he’d lie / make excuses. That’s because it is abusive, intimidating, threatening behaviour from a vile man who can’t control his temper.

Delandra · 14/01/2023 21:56

Metabigot · 14/01/2023 21:44

Because you let him.

Stop letting him, he won't change.

No. OP isn’t responsible for her partner’s behaviour. She isn’t letting him do this, he’s doing this anyway.

LordSugarTits · 14/01/2023 21:57

"Then just went nuts - swearing at me, called me a cunt, a twat, punched the wall, screaming at me to get out of his way, called me a retard. I started crying, and he told me not to turn on the waterworks and to pack it in."

My god. Get away from him, your kids need you to protect them

CohenTree · 14/01/2023 21:59

Trappedd · 14/01/2023 21:07

and our social lives are so entwined, again everyone thinks he is such a gem

They are mistaken.

Give him an ultimatum. One more outburst of that type and he can pack his bags. Complete deal-breaker. (And unreasonable behaviour is grounds for divorce.)

Can you set up a GoPro to catch his next outburst?

Oddbobbyboo · 14/01/2023 22:01

I know this sounds crazy.... but my ex husband was the same.... last week he started on me outside our home..... so I got my phone and held it up to him... it took him a while to realise and when he did he got aggressive saying nobody cares..... I informed him that it was a Facebook live video and that I wanted all his friends to see for themselves what he's like.

I hadn't even pressed record but needless to say.... I've never seen him get off my drive as quickly as he did x

CohenTree · 14/01/2023 22:03
  • Does he have any redeeming features?* @Festivfrenzy I don't think that's even relevant. Even if he's Mr Perfect the rest of the time! This cannot be tolerated. He's a monster.
Original poster
Trappedd · 14/01/2023 22:04

The apology messages have started coming in. God I feel so tired by it, i know it's not okay, i would be horrified if someone spoke to my children in that way.

I know i need to try and leave, it's so hard with kids so young

OP posts:
Original poster
Trappedd · 14/01/2023 22:05

so so mad at myself, my dad was very abusive to my mum, all i witnessed was the most horrific violence imaginable when I was younger up to the age of about 8 when my mum left, promised myself it would never be me and here we bloody are

OP posts: