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Original poster

Response I got from Charity when I asked for help

61 replies

Hagrod · 14/01/2023 11:05

I recently went through a bereavement, a charity heard about it and had a gift sent to my house with an email address where I could ask for help.

I explained my situation in full and said how desperate I am for help.

They responded saying my problems are too bad for them to deal with so there's nothing they will do to help me :/

I have never asked for charity before (never needed to) and I'm a bit upset that they offered me help, then wanted nothing more to do with me when they knew the full extent of my situation.

Is there anything I should have done?

OP posts:
PreparationPreparationPrep · 14/01/2023 12:27

It's sounds like they initially reached out to you because you seemed like their target group. It could be that now they have more information about you and your circumstances you do not fit their criteria.

This is the normal process, in essence they are all competing for the same grants and donations so they have to be very careful that it goes to those who are most in need and within their remit.

Also some charities as well as being very specific in what they will help with - only give very small amounts or a specific items for example, washing machine, fridge etc.

I am not sure about your situation but if things are very difficult it may be worth approaching several charities.

BlueKaftan · 14/01/2023 12:28

Hi OP. I’m so sorry for your loss and that feel let down by this charity. I had a similar circumstance except that I reached out to a bereavement charity after the death of my mother. They told me that it was too soon after her death for them to allow me to attend grief groups because I would most likely need more support than they could offer. They didn’t suggest other resources. I found the rejection in that moment quite devastating and although I understand it better, I will never forget it. Take care of yourself! 💐

MichelleScarn · 14/01/2023 12:33

Agree with pp, very sorry they can't give the exact help you want, but the signposting would be something you should take up.
Charities are so restricted to how they can distribute any funds that they have, so for random. example while they may be able to pay for a weeks holiday to a caravan park, or a new washing machine, they probably couldn't fund a new wardrobe or city break? (Not that saying that's what you asked for!)

MichelleScarn · 14/01/2023 12:34

Agree

Babyroobs · 14/01/2023 12:37

What sort of help were you looking for ? did they signpost to other organizations ? I work for a charity and most of our remit is benefits advice but we get asked to help with allsorts. I have one client currently wo I have helped with lots of benefit claims for 3 family members but she still brings me lists wanting help with debt advice, financial forms for her fathers care, wanting to access grants etc. I ahve had to be firm and say I just don't have the capacity ( nor does out charity have the accreditations for debt advice). I will always try to sign post to somewhere else that can help although at the moment absolutely all charities seem to be completely overwhelmed sadly.

Babyroobs · 14/01/2023 12:42

MichelleScarn · 14/01/2023 12:33

Agree with pp, very sorry they can't give the exact help you want, but the signposting would be something you should take up.
Charities are so restricted to how they can distribute any funds that they have, so for random. example while they may be able to pay for a weeks holiday to a caravan park, or a new washing machine, they probably couldn't fund a new wardrobe or city break? (Not that saying that's what you asked for!)

I just find that however much I help people, they just want more and more help. Not their fault as I know they are needy and overwhelmed but I find it such a conflict- do I spend more time on that client or help one of the hundreds more waiting who have had no help. In my organizations there are literally 2 staff members trying to sort benefits for elderly people in the whole county. It's crazy. And organizations like CAB have huge waiting lists too. We try to signpost people to other organizations and they signpost people to us because no-one has the capacity any more. My manager is also not great at giving guidance. We ahve had to stop referrals coming in recently as we are overwhelmed. It's not helped by the charity being in severe financial stress due to lack of donations and government funding.

Babyroobs · 14/01/2023 12:44

Hagrod · 14/01/2023 11:05

I recently went through a bereavement, a charity heard about it and had a gift sent to my house with an email address where I could ask for help.

I explained my situation in full and said how desperate I am for help.

They responded saying my problems are too bad for them to deal with so there's nothing they will do to help me :/

I have never asked for charity before (never needed to) and I'm a bit upset that they offered me help, then wanted nothing more to do with me when they knew the full extent of my situation.

Is there anything I should have done?

If it is actual bereavement counselling you are looking for, have you checked local charities/ local hospice etc as they often have bereavement support which is open to everyone not just if your relative has died there.

BotherThat · 14/01/2023 12:44

I had a spate of bereavements a while back. A counsellor told me she couldn’t help me. What she meant was ‘this is complex and compound grief which I don’t have the relevant experience of / in to counsel you appropriately’ which is absolutely fair enough.

But what I heard was ‘you’re too mental and have too many issues and are beyond help’. Which was just me in a foggy state of mind blindly panicking that I was not ‘fixable’.

Ask for the signposted help. Honestly. It’s easier when you don’t go it alone.

gogohmm · 14/01/2023 12:48

I'm a qualified counsellor but not that qualified! I'm not experienced or qualified enough to support people with complex mental health issues that predate the issue they are seeking help with (I can offer support for bereavement, divorce, family issues such as special needs and some anxiety/depression but not when its multiple conditions and long standing) we all need to know when it is beyond our ability, charities are no different.

I'm far lower in cost than someone with a masters in psychology and multiple years of counselling training, with that comes limitations (half my clients are going through divorce with special needs kids which I have personal experience of, my nicheSmile)

cakeorwine · 14/01/2023 12:52

@Babyroobs

And organizations like CAB have huge waiting lists too. We try to signpost people to other organizations and they signpost people to us because no-one has the capacity any more. My manager is also not great at giving guidance. We ahve had to stop referrals coming in recently as we are overwhelmed

I hear you. It's a circle and we are really busy at the moment

EmmaEmerald · 14/01/2023 12:54

They sent you a gift?

it sounds like they are just promoting their business. I am sorry, OP.

CombatBarbie · 14/01/2023 12:58

EmmaEmerald · 14/01/2023 12:54

They sent you a gift?

it sounds like they are just promoting their business. I am sorry, OP.

I was thinking this. What is the charity aim I. E. Support bereavements from dementia, cancer etc and what did you ask for?

I'm trying to work out why they thought they could help but actually can't. And where did they get your details?

GameofLifer111 · 14/01/2023 12:59

Sorry for your loss OP

PP recommended CAB but I don't recommend them - they told my mentally unwell friend to run away from her problems instead of seek MH support.

The CAB aren't as decent as they used to be. Especially when it comes to MH and debt. Clueless tbh.

Best of luck x

Yourearealboy · 14/01/2023 13:00

Sorry for your loss Flowers

there are links for further help at the bottom of this page. I hope you are able to find the help you need.
www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/grief-bereavement-loss/

toocold54 · 14/01/2023 13:00

Unfortunately they can only do so much and if they aren’t able to help you with your specific problem, then there’s nothing more you can do with them.

The only thing that I can suggest is if you’ve tried to research it yourself and haven’t found any help then you can post on here about your specific issue and see if any MNer can advise you on what to do.

Mummyratbag · 14/01/2023 13:04

I'm sorry for your loss. I imagine it took you a lot to ask for help and the knock back (however justified) may make you not want to ask again.

Is Cruse an option? If you share roughly what you need someone on here may be able to signpost you.

Parentandteacher · 14/01/2023 13:06

If, just for example, there was a mental health aspect for you op and they don’t have staff trained in this area it’s wise and important for them to suggest you contact services aimed at mental health provision.

MargaretThursday · 14/01/2023 13:08

Go and ask for the signposted help.

I have a situation where I sometimes get people on the phone asking for help. The best thing I can do is point them in the direction of someone who really can help. Sometimes I do listen to them, but I'm not trained in counselling and I'm always aware that I don't want to say the wrong thing, which is easy to do.
In all honesty, often it would be far easier for me to say "oh, you poor thing, I will do this for you..." but it would be not helping in the long term, and could actually be damaging if I state something that isn't actually true and they hold onto it.

eg If someone comes in hungry, I can give them a coffee, even a bacon sandwich. I feel good about myself for helping, they feel fed.
But later today they're going to get hungry again. I'm not going to be there. So I say to them "this is the number you need to call for food bank referral, or you can go to this place where they have expert advice and food parcels too".

By saying "these places are in a better position to help" that's helping as best I can.

Sometimes I hate doing it though because although my head knows it's right, my heart wants to do something immediately.

Viviennemary · 14/01/2023 13:10

It must have been upsetting to get such an e-mail but try to look at it this way. If it was advice regarding legal issues maybe they didn't have appropriately qualified people. Or if it was counselling perhaps they thought they weren't experienced enough in that area.

Maytodecember · 14/01/2023 13:15

I’m really sorry for your loss and I know how sensitive you can feel and how the world can just seem like a really awful place after a recent bereavement. It can feel as if the whole world is against you for a while.
Would it help to list the type of help you need e.g. financial, financial advice, counselling, support for children. I can think of organisations that deal with these situations but separately, there’s no one organisation I can think of that’ll cover them all.
You’re very welcome to message me and I’ll help if I can. I’ve been bereaved and know how lost I felt in the following weeks and months.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 14/01/2023 13:18

I have been on the help merrygoround many times with services and charities all referring to each other and no-one actually picking up the problem, this was in relation to my children's bereavement. I suggest you perhaps post on the Bereavement section on here with the specific things you need help with (e.g. counselling, money issues) and then see if others can guide you to the support you'd need. That said, there's a capacity issue for a lot of charities and services at the moment and this doesn't mean there is a whole heap of support. Hospice/bereavement support groups tend to be still running, Cruse is there, some other bereavement charities offer counselling but only after 6 weeks, you need to fit their criteria and they need to have space, I bet there is support out there but it can be a maze finding it. Good luck.

Yika · 14/01/2023 13:37

Honestly I don’t like the sound of what this charity did. They reached out to you, you responded, they closed you down. Of course I don’t know what the charity is, what their scope is, what your specific needs for help are etc but I agree that it sounds ‘off’.

I’m sorry for your loss and that you had this negative experience. I hope you are able to get the support you need.

stbrandonsboat · 14/01/2023 13:40

I was turned away from Cruse bereavement charity following my husband's death because I was too young (27). I was really upset and it just led to me being even more isolated than I already was. They didn't suggest anything else as an alternative. The woman was very abrupt and unpleasant too.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/01/2023 13:46

So ask them for the contact details of more relevant charities and contact those. If you do actually want help that is. That's a really positive, helpful offer that they've made you.

This charity did a nice thing by giving you something. That sounds like a really unusual, 'going out of their way to be kind' thing to have done. Appreciate that and appreciate them for what they are. Don't damn them for failing to be someone else.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/01/2023 13:51

The question I find myself asking is, would it have been better if they hadn't contacted you at all? Is the only result a sense of being let down?

So, would you eventually have found your own way to access other help, if you want it? Or, have they helped by pointing you in the direction of getting help from more useful organisations, faster than you would otherwise have done?