To think I have an equal right to sleep

[ditzzy]

I know I’m not being unreasonable, but if actually I am I trust you all to tell me!

I work from home and once in a blue moon I have to work in the evening to finish things off (I’m the boss, so it falls to me). On Thursday night I was working to nearly 2am and had to be awake and ready for my two dds (3 and 7) at 6am.

Me and DH sleep in different rooms because he snores and doesn’t want to disturb me when he comes to bed later than me every night.

Friday night (last night) dd1 shouts the house down at 4am that dd2 is being sick everywhere, so I get up, clean the bed, put the sheets onto wash, clean floor and shower dd2. Send dd1 to DH because she says the room smells of sick, and then end up with both DDs and the cat in my bed. DD2 is sick again in my bed at 5am. So I send dd1 back to her own bed (the smell has nearly gone), shower dd2 again and post her off to sleep in DHs bed, clean my own bed, put those sheets onto wash and wrap myself in my duvet on the clean half of the bed. Then get up at 6am to receive them waking up.

DH heard me getting out of the shower, stands blocking the doorway and says he’s cornered me now and wiggles his fingers at me. I say “go away” and he’s now sulking that I was rude to him and claims he didn’t realise anything was going on in the night….

We've now had the biggest row because I’m exhausted. Most of Christmas he got up at 10am every day while I got up between 6 and 7am. Just as he has every weekend.

Am I being unreasonable to tell him he’s the one being useless?

He has apologised for making me feel bad but says he doesn’t feel he’s done anything wrong. I’ve retorted that when our dds marry men who do nothing rather than finding decent upstanding members of society to get together with it’s his fault.

I think the reason he CHOOSES to go to bed later than you every night is so he doesn't have to do mornings.

Fabulous checklist
OP you can use this to demonstrate he’s not a SAHD if you ever decide to kick him to the curb.

That's not a househusband. He's basically an adult child living at home for free doing nothing... also wiggling his finger at you for affection? That's really weird no wonder you don't give him affection.

I would be telling him he's to get up with them from now on starting from today and he can do the household chores if he can't then he needs to get a job pronto he's a lazy cf.

He obviously isn't pulling his weight! But I am with him about sending them back to bed until a reasonable time, at 3&7 neither of you should need to be up at 6am! The 7 year old is old enough to pour cereal and milk for the younger at a reasonable hour too, you both get a lie in that way

You need to have a conversation. We alternate getting up with the kids. And alternate a lie in on weekends unless someone is unwell.
But we also do more if we aren’t working the next day.

What does he say if you suggest something like this?

As pp have said, he's a cocklodger.

Would you not be better off on your own? Sounds like you do everything bar the school run anyway.

I read a quote the other day:
"men need physical affection to feel loved, women need to feel loved to give physical affection".
You don't feel loved or respected in the relationship, you aren't going to be in the mood to cuddle and kiss him, and he needs to realise that (or be told) and change his ways!

I hope staying up until 2am is not a common occurence at work - sounds really tough.

Good luck OP. You sound very capable and level-headed, sorry you have ended up in this situation.

OP how have you got in to a situation where you have a DH who does the school runs and nothing else. Doesn't work, do anything in the house or for the children and expects you will find him attractive. Why isn't he working??

🤣

From your posts it sounds like you run a business and have employees? Even if your business is quite small and you have 2 employees, the amount of work involved in that is huge! You are supporting the family so that part of the pie is taken care of. Everything else involved in having a family with children should be taken care of by your DH.

As an example, I’m a SAHM and I do 95% of the housework and child related things. DH does his own washing (I do any ironing and will chuck it in the drier if necessary), will occasionally do the dishwasher and bins and takes care of financial things. Other than that I do everything else. I’m not even going to list everything that involves, but that gender checklist is brilliant and mentions things I don’t even think about! Didn’t realise how much time I spend talking to the DC about their day, what they’ve done at school, helping with homework, planning activities, craft, going for walks, making sure they’ve eaten a balanced diet. What does he do with them once he’s picked them up?

In an average week and depending on your hours, I’d think housework-wise you should maybe be doing a couple of washings, dishwasher a couple of times, maybe making a meal and definitely getting an undisturbed lie-in. No bathroom cleaning, no hoovering, no shopping, no meal planning.

It sounds like he has having a lovely time tbh, undisturbed sleep, lay ins, no wonder he has the energy for sex. You need to have a proper talk and sort out a routine for who is getting up for the kids every day. My other half is up early and off to work every day so I sort them in the week but at weekends and holidays we alternate.

Wtf why are you tolerating this nonsense???

Jesus. My husband is far from perfect but I find myself feeling grateful for him the more I read on this site.

It means he’s a prick. That’s what it means.

Oooops I didn’t check back on this yesterday and it seems to have taken off a bit. I’m a bit less angry and a bit less tired now.

Yes, he is lazy, and yes it’s partly my fault for mothering him. Yes also it’s equally my fault if it gives the dds the wrong impression about how men should act.

He did always work full time until being made redundant during the first lockdown. Now he does some charity work and some school things. He’s really great with the children on big days out or with other peoples children - so everyone always tells me how lucky we are. Just less good behind the scenes where no one else sees.

He’s not completely useless, we just need a shake up from time to time. It doesn’t change that I occasionally want to have a lie in and never do; or that I’d like him to take more responsibility, but he has got the message that I was justified in being a bit furious at the weekend.

Alot of social media only advertises the best bits of life, this sort of thread just snapshots the worst.

Thanks everyone for being here.

Yes, he is lazy, and yes it’s partly my fault for mothering him. Yes also it’s equally my fault if it gives the dds the wrong impression about how men should act.

You really shouldn't have to be shouldering that load! It's NOT your fault he isn't a grown up. Why can you see what needs doing and he can't?

It's basic sexism, and he's a basic sexist.

I am not hearing a single redeeming feature here OP. And you sound like you don’t expect much better. Was your dad like this to your mum? Your life could be so much happier than this, I’m sure you’re not perfect, no one is, but you deserve far better.