To think I have an equal right to sleep

[ditzzy]

I know I’m not being unreasonable, but if actually I am I trust you all to tell me!

I work from home and once in a blue moon I have to work in the evening to finish things off (I’m the boss, so it falls to me). On Thursday night I was working to nearly 2am and had to be awake and ready for my two dds (3 and 7) at 6am.

Me and DH sleep in different rooms because he snores and doesn’t want to disturb me when he comes to bed later than me every night.

Friday night (last night) dd1 shouts the house down at 4am that dd2 is being sick everywhere, so I get up, clean the bed, put the sheets onto wash, clean floor and shower dd2. Send dd1 to DH because she says the room smells of sick, and then end up with both DDs and the cat in my bed. DD2 is sick again in my bed at 5am. So I send dd1 back to her own bed (the smell has nearly gone), shower dd2 again and post her off to sleep in DHs bed, clean my own bed, put those sheets onto wash and wrap myself in my duvet on the clean half of the bed. Then get up at 6am to receive them waking up.

DH heard me getting out of the shower, stands blocking the doorway and says he’s cornered me now and wiggles his fingers at me. I say “go away” and he’s now sulking that I was rude to him and claims he didn’t realise anything was going on in the night….

We've now had the biggest row because I’m exhausted. Most of Christmas he got up at 10am every day while I got up between 6 and 7am. Just as he has every weekend.

Am I being unreasonable to tell him he’s the one being useless?

He has apologised for making me feel bad but says he doesn’t feel he’s done anything wrong. I’ve retorted that when our dds marry men who do nothing rather than finding decent upstanding members of society to get together with it’s his fault.

Definitely not no. But if she's explained repeatedly, then it's a bigger issue than the shower incident that's been explained.

I think its possibly time for OP to realise that there isn't a relationship with this creepy cocklodger.

Hi OP

I think YABU sorry. For putting up with him. You've said if his daughters end up with someone lazy and selfish (like him) it will be his fault. But it's also your fault - you're showing them that it's acceptable to stay in a relationship where one person (the woman) gives and the other (the man) just takes. You're teaching them that it's normal for the woman to do everything.

Honestly he doesnt work, doesnt get out of bed, doesnt do any housework, comes on to you at inappropriate moments when you've told him you don't like it...why are you still with him?

Possibly adding fuel to the fire - but I’m still following this, but will have to check back later to make sure that I’m not now neglecting the children!

just to add a bit of weight on his side - he does suffer from clinically diagnosed depression from time to time (he says he’s not ill at the moment) and anxiety. To be fair I have always been less affectionate than he’d like, and that angle has got worse since lockdown which was really when everything started falling to me.

I just want respect, then I feel affectionate.

He sounds absolutely awful

But at 2am I wouldn’t be showering a child nor putting laundry on, I’d do the minimum clear up and get everyone back to sleep

How on earth can he be called a house husband and not do the majority of the housework?

In case anyone wonders I would say the same if the sexes were reversed and was a sahm myself until our children went to school.

Thanks - that’s a helpful reminder. I did have a sensible grown up conversation with him a few months ago and explained that I would feel naturally more affectionate if he was more respectful. Little things rather than big things, like telling me if he’s running late getting home or saying “bye” when he leaves the house etc. He said I was “managing” him as though he was one of my employees

My DH has depression and anxiety, he still.works full.time and does his fair share at home.

you've got yourself a cocklodger I'm afraid

Thanks all. That was exactly what I needed to hear, with some added bonus comments that make me feel better about not being able to totally get the sick smell out of her hair before telling her to go back to sleep

When dd would get sick in the early hours I would stand I her room and bellow for dh. He would always eventually wake up and would be given the choice of cleaning the floor or cleaning dd. He did always clean the floor rather than take a turn with dd but c’est la vie.

But he always did it and never, ever complained. And his sleep was important. The rules he has to work under are very precise. And he was always aware that however long he had been awake for, I was awake for at least an hour more than him.

That’s partnership.

I work full time he’s a househusband (albeit that covers him doing the school run and me doing most of the housework).

Good Lord! He’s an arsehole lazy and demanding.

YADNBU

This makes me so mad OP! My H is like this but worse, he will often sleep in until 1. I'm sick of it. I would say LTB, I know I have seriously been considering it. Sending you support

Your DH isn't a househusband, he is a cocklodger

I've always worked FT while DH is a househusband. I'm also a very heavy sleeper, so slept through almost all of DS waking up in the night. DH dealt with it all, as he's a light sleeper.

He does/did all the housework washing, cooking during the week and running around including things like sending birthday cards, and buying presents. I do the garden and some weekend cooking and a few bits.
DH also suffers from anxiety and sometimes doesn't want to get up but he does, and plays his part in our partnership. We did occasionally have words early on, when I thought he wasn't pulling his weight and over time he changed. Your husband sounds a lazy so and so.

he does suffer from clinically diagnosed depression from time to time (he says he’s not ill at the moment) and anxiety.

God this is such a common theme and not an excuse. Man does nothing, claims depression, blames woman for getting frustrated/their own low self-esteem.

He clearly feels no urgency to correct the situation. Meanwhile tons of women on here are on depression/anxiety meds in order to function because for them the responsibility isn't optional.

I've had ME and CPTSD and still had to work and take care of kids alongside. It's not an excuse to be lazy and do nothing. (Obviously mental health is a spectrum but it doesn't sound like he was having a cozy night in bed due to a mental health struggle.)

So you work full time, occasionally have to work very late and you do most of the housework. You sleep seperaty so he doesn't wake you but you are the one who then ends up dealing with the night wakings and early mornings, while he sleeps. He then wants attention and you feel pissed off about that.

YANBU

He needs to get his backside into gear in more than one respect. Even if he worked full time as well, he would still need to be doing more than he is.

When the children are up in the night you need to wake him so it's at least 50/50 and I would go as far as saying that you should tell the children to wake him and not you. I think he should be the primary person to deal with night wakings and you the secondary person if he's not getting enough sleep, although if he has access to sleep in the day then he should really be doing all of it.

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't have the energy for any type of affection and I would be pretty pissed off. For context I am currently a sahm and do pretty much everything during the week. We deal with illness related night wakings together. DH and I split things at the weekend although he usually does a bit more than me.

That's not a househusband. Sleeping until 10am and doing no housework - that's a third child.

DH works full time and I woke part time. It was DH who got up to sort out DS at 4am today and then at 6am we have swapped because marriage is about teamwork. We get one lie in each on a weekend.

What an entirely useless cunt he is.

He’s a househusband who does no housework and lies in until 10am every day? No. He can fuck off. He’s a joke.

It's difficult being in aeperate rooms. If our kids come in we both know. But we alternate layins. I get Saturday and dh gets Sunday and if it happens we have something on early on one of those days that person lucks out.

“I’ve retorted that when our dds marry men who do nothing rather than finding decent upstanding members of society to get together with it’s his fault.”

You do realise that it will be your fault too?? You are teaching your daughters that being with a useless lazy twat like him is okay?! You let him sleep in every single day when he’s a SAHD, doesn’t work, doesn’t do housework… why the fuck have you let this go on? Honestly baffles me the lifestyles that women settle for!

Saying it louder for the ladies in the back: WOMEN ARE NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO THOSE THEY HAVE TO PROVIDE CARE FOR. So when your husband decided to be your third child instead of, you know, a husband, that probably pretty much killed your libido. Women write in here all the time, “My husband is a complete man-child, but he wants me to be more affectionate.” Well, the key is in the word “child.” As long as he acts like one, you’re going to have the ick.

And seriously, you work full time? He’s a “house husband”? That means you shouldn’t have been getting up last night at all. He should have been handling it all. The fact he handled none of it is… pathetic.

Maybe he’s great and this is just a rough spot, but if this is how he acts about everything (a self-centered plonker), I don’t think you’re still going to be married in 10 years, or if you are, you’ll be married but living completely separate lives with your separate bedrooms. I’m sorry, OP. I know nobody wants this.

He is not a house husband. He has a very lazy lovely life while you run around like a headless chicken.

Why the fuck didn’t you wake him up? If one of mine had vomited everywhere and needed a shower at 2am we would both be up.

I think there are 3 issues - 1) the kids bad night. 2) the usual split of chores 3) how and when both of you show affection. I think it would be better to deal with these separately (though they may have some connections to each other).

Rainbowqueeen your post and that link should be on a permanent sticky on MN.

I’d be really blunt with him. You aren’t interested in giving him physical affection because he behaves like a child not an equal partner. If he really really wants more physical affection then he’ll do all housework and cooking plus give you equal lie ins.

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Your DH is completely useless. Of course he should do the 6am shift if you are up until 2am let alone help with the vomit.

As a separate point, we let our 3 & 6yo get up and watch TV or play in the mornings. Obviously we don't sleep until 10am but it does give a bit of a break. I appreciate it depends on the children though.

I work full time he’s a househusband (albeit that covers him doing the school run and me doing most of the housework).

Wtf? That's not a househusband, it's a cocklodger. As for the finger wiggling - ugh. Sorry OP, but he sounds awful.