To expect a quick update and a simple thank you

[Shellsarebells]

My DS died a few years ago, sad death and she was estranged from her children. I organised her funeral with her two sons, all was good and we have a good relationship.

Last year I had a "lightbulb" moment, I suddenly realised she had an NHS pension and had her sons claimed the death benefits? I contacted one of her sons and he said no, never thought about it.

I work close to this area, so I told him how to claim it. To claim it probate was needed, I helped with the forms and he applied for probate which I can see has now been granted.

Throughout the process I kept in touch, how's it going etc. I made it clear that I was overjoyed and really hoped that they would get something that would be meaningful for them, my DS left next to nothing for them.

He now is completely ghosting me, not responding to messages and I'm sure the money must be through now.

I don't want a penny, they know that, I'm not entitled to anything anyway and anything they get is wonderful for them.

I feel hurt, I just want a thanks it's all sorted. Don't even need the amount as it's not my business. But I did spend a fair bit of time finding out how to deal with it etc.

AIBU to expect that?

As they say no good deed goes unpunished.

I presume you mean ulterior motive?

This 💯

Don't jump to conclusions. Their mother died and they were estranged, now you may have brought it all up again with the pension stuff (which was a nice thing to do, of course). Grief can be delayed, especially when its a complex relationship. Maybe you're just reminding them too much of their mother and it's not good for them right now.

Of course I did, it was a typo , I was going to type another message to correct it but it was so obvious I didn't think I needed to.

I’d think you were after some
of the money with those last 2 messages you sent. You say you’re not but the repeated interest in whether the money has arrive may have given the wrong impression. Don’t message them about money again. Stick with bdays and Christmas and other topics and see what happens. I hope they’ll come round.

I suppose they have the same mindset as you. It shows how some people's minds work.

Others like me, just do a good deed, spend time (a fair bit) and all they want is a quick, thanks it's all sorted.

I could've had I been unkind, just claimed the money by saying I was her only serving sibling. Who would've known? But of course that's not the person I am.

FWIW I am comfortably well off, as they know and have always been generous to them, above and beyond what is expected. Probably because they had such a hard life.

I provided my home for them to have the wake in and they really appreciated that at the time, they absolutely know I'm no gold digger.

I'm not asking how much they got, I'm asking is it all sorted now after all my work in helping?

How old are they? One of my adult DC is crap at keeping in touch but always absolutely fine when we eventually do, no estrangement or tension. He really hates discussing practical things e.g. when he was buying a house he asked us for advice on certain points, needed our help re releasing some money in a trust, but still completely ignored me asking for any updates - super trivial stuff like are the searches done etc. I think it’s just the way young men often are. I suspect contact might become more regular if/when he has DC

They are rude. They will realise on time when they get older that you were kind. Young people can be selfish without meaning to at times. Reach out later in the year. Hopefully the relationship can still be salvaged. If not, I'm sorry, and I hope you can focus on other loved ones x

You know probate has been granted but is it automatic that the NHS pension funds will follow? Is it possible that they’re not getting the money after all, they feel disappointed and are blaming you for leading them to believe it was a certainty?

Thank you

No it is definite that the money is over £10k, they know that much. I don't think it's going to be ££££s over. But maybe between £10-20k in total.

It's not life changing, but it helps and it's a little something for them.

Yes, you may be right and that's made me feel a lot better when you describe your DS. They're probably being thoughtless rather than unkind.

I do agree with you. They still could have just said thank you. It is rude. But it may be an explanation. Some people find the topic of money very awkward.

Maybe they feel a bit uncomfortable to express any delight or thanks regarding the surprise £££ on their DM death?

If they were NC maybe they have some sort of unpalatable guilt about doing this?

Adult children of alcoholics often have huge chronic MH and emotional well-being issues to wrestle with.

Maybe they just want some space and move away from those who are associated with painful memories of their DM.

There’s a lot of collateral damage and it might take years and years for them to come round. That’s going to be painful for you.

At the very least card and flowers , how rude of him

My adult DC wouldn’t have a clue about the complexities of probate or thinking outside the box on potential payouts due. It takes considerable time and effort, filling out forms and making calls.

You’ve gone above and beyond to help them and YANBU to feel disappointed. Is there a possibility the money hasn’t come through yet? In time I’m sure they’ll realise and appreciate your help.

I agree it’s probably thoughtless rather than unkind. You are they aunt, if you have been a stable figure in their life they are likely taking it for granted that you would help with this sort of thing and don’t see it as a big deal. They might not realise you are genuinely interested in whether it’s all sorted either, it likely seems like quite a boring thing for someone else to care about and think you’re just making conversation and that you’re not actually expecting a reply. I admit I can be a bit like this with my mum sometimes, for example I’m looking to buy a house at the moment. After a house viewing my mum always wants to know things like whether I liked it and why not etc whereas in my mind if I’ve decided it’s a no then there’s not really a conversation to be had, I’m not buying it so it’s done. I can imagine for me if I was in a process like sorting a pension once it was sorted I wouldn’t really see the need to have a conversation about how it’s done now, if there’s nothing left to sort why would you discuss it any more? I do recognise that isn’t necessarilly have other people think though! I am neurodiverse with ADHD but also have C-PTSD, if your nephews have childhood trauma then this may have effected the way they relate to people or situations and so they might not engage in things exactly the way you think is proper or typical. It doesn’t mean they are ghosting you, they might just think discussing this now it’s over is pointless.

I’ve family who would behave like this, at the root of it for them is a sense of entitlement to women’s time/energy/care, pure misogynistic selfishness.

Mine would be astounded that you would expect thanks. In fact they may even be angry that the forms/money weren’t sorted sooner/for a bigger amount and be not speaking because of that.

Not saying that’s the case for your DNs, but it’s a common enough scenario (more often with care needs) and one to consider as it has implications for the relationships’ future in that you’d be firmly in the ‘service human’ role for life with no consideration of your needs/wants much less thanks for your work.

And for me that would be something I’d factor in when/if wanting further contact in that previously I’d be desperate to please to maintain contact & now I’d let them just fuck off for good

Why does OP need to ask if probate is all sorted? It is nothing to do with her. Just because she helped them with information doesn't mean they owe her any information in return

This is the sort of response to the original post and OP updates that make me think that 90% of the people on MN are fucking nutcases No-one owes anyone, anything ever according to these freaks

Just go back to your usual level of contact for a few months, they will be particularly wary without having had a stable adult for many years

OP YANBU. Not even a little bit. You'll get posters here who'll bend over backwards to try to find some justification for their ignoring you but even a thank you message would have sufficed. As you said, no good deed goes unpunished.