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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a quick update and a simple thank you

71 replies

Shellsarebells · 14/01/2023 07:56

My DS died a few years ago, sad death and she was estranged from her children. I organised her funeral with her two sons, all was good and we have a good relationship.

Last year I had a "lightbulb" moment, I suddenly realised she had an NHS pension and had her sons claimed the death benefits? I contacted one of her sons and he said no, never thought about it.

I work close to this area, so I told him how to claim it. To claim it probate was needed, I helped with the forms and he applied for probate which I can see has now been granted.

Throughout the process I kept in touch, how's it going etc. I made it clear that I was overjoyed and really hoped that they would get something that would be meaningful for them, my DS left next to nothing for them.

He now is completely ghosting me, not responding to messages and I'm sure the money must be through now.

I don't want a penny, they know that, I'm not entitled to anything anyway and anything they get is wonderful for them.

I feel hurt, I just want a thanks it's all sorted. Don't even need the amount as it's not my business. But I did spend a fair bit of time finding out how to deal with it etc.

AIBU to expect that?

As they say no good deed goes unpunished.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shellsarebells · 14/01/2023 08:26

CloudSunLeavesCoud · 14/01/2023 08:24

What we’re the 2 messages they ignored about?

Hi, hope all is good did probate come through is everything g sorted now?

Second one much the same, bright breezy, a bit of "be glad when winter is over"

Sent Christmas card as usual, didn't get one back which is unusual but with RM strikes I think a lot of people didn't bother.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 14/01/2023 08:30

Maybe, as they were noncontact with their mum they are not in the habit of keeping in contact with family and have just grown used to getting on with their own lives.
Another thought..sounds like there is two of them and hopefully they are not squabbling about the division of the money and don't want you to know.
Just leave it a while and message with some other family news/ birthday greetings or anything outside the money.

HaddawayAndShite · 14/01/2023 08:31

Well the 2nd message is very strange but closed so it doesn’t warrant a response.,l I wouldn’t reply to anyone who messaged that.

The first, if they do have any worry you’re trying to stake a claim, it might seem like you’re probing.

There could be a myriad of reasons they’ve decided not to speak to you. How often did you speak via text before this? Do you look similar to your sister? Could you be bringing up bad memories for them?

HaddawayAndShite · 14/01/2023 08:33

It sorry i see the 2nd just had added the weather bit.

If you texted often and they’ve stopped suddenly, there’s something going on. I’d probably do as almond suggested and gently speak to them, that you don’t want to lose family.

Velvetween · 14/01/2023 08:34

It’s rude of them not reply with a quick thanks.

It does sound like it’s possible they didn’t have a great parenting role model growing up. Maybe good manners wasn’t something modelled at home and isn’t second nature to them? Children of addicts have complex issues of their own. I would just step back and reach out again at next birthday or some such occasion.

Original poster
Shellsarebells · 14/01/2023 08:34

HaddawayAndShite · 14/01/2023 08:31

Well the 2nd message is very strange but closed so it doesn’t warrant a response.,l I wouldn’t reply to anyone who messaged that.

The first, if they do have any worry you’re trying to stake a claim, it might seem like you’re probing.

There could be a myriad of reasons they’ve decided not to speak to you. How often did you speak via text before this? Do you look similar to your sister? Could you be bringing up bad memories for them?

What's strange about the second message? It was the same as the first with a bit of small talk about winter in it? I thought it better than, "give me an update"?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shellsarebells · 14/01/2023 08:35

HaddawayAndShite · 14/01/2023 08:33

It sorry i see the 2nd just had added the weather bit.

If you texted often and they’ve stopped suddenly, there’s something going on. I’d probably do as almond suggested and gently speak to them, that you don’t want to lose family.

Cross posted with this.

I will. I'll give them a call.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shellsarebells · 14/01/2023 08:35

Velvetween · 14/01/2023 08:34

It’s rude of them not reply with a quick thanks.

It does sound like it’s possible they didn’t have a great parenting role model growing up. Maybe good manners wasn’t something modelled at home and isn’t second nature to them? Children of addicts have complex issues of their own. I would just step back and reach out again at next birthday or some such occasion.

I will.

Thank you

OP posts:
Tabasco007 · 14/01/2023 08:36

I think cal them to say happy new year and how are you, shall we do coffee. if they don't pick up text to say youd love to get a coffee/lunch planned as you'd love to see them both. You've been in their lives throughout, and say that you would like that to remain, plan a lunch with them if you can x good luck OP.

Barwickunited · 14/01/2023 08:43

My cousin is similar with my mum. She sorted the entire estate and never got any thanks only criticism. I used to feel sorry for my cousin now I just think she is a rude little shit, I wish my mum would forget about her but that family obligation is huge with my mum. I’m really sorry for the pain this has caused you and you sound like a fantastic person.

Ragwort · 14/01/2023 08:43

I think (some) younger people just don't send 'thank you' messages or even think about it. I appreciate it's not right and many of us are used to sending thank you letters/texts/emails/messages etc but I've given up expecting a 'thank you' from some younger members of my family (for gifts sent via post so no idea if they have even arrived etc).
There's quite a good reply on the Bel Mooney problem page in the DM (sorry Blush) today about trying to learn to let go of not being thanked but focus on the wider relationship.
I totally agree it's rude and ungracious .... but there's no point getting bitter about it, that will only hurt you more.

toomuchwin · 14/01/2023 08:51

Just phone and talk to them if you want answers.

Maybe something else happened as they picked up the messages- friend got ill, bathroom flooded etc. Maybe they were at work and got distracted! Maybe they are having a mental health crisis, maybe it's been really stressful for them and they can't deal right now, maybe you remind them of their mother and it's hard.

It's not bad to be sad you didn't get a response but i think if they aren't allowed to forget to respond once or twice at a difficult time then maybe you are a demand they can't cope with right now.

Justcallmebebes · 14/01/2023 09:01

HaddawayAndShite · 14/01/2023 08:31

Well the 2nd message is very strange but closed so it doesn’t warrant a response.,l I wouldn’t reply to anyone who messaged that.

The first, if they do have any worry you’re trying to stake a claim, it might seem like you’re probing.

There could be a myriad of reasons they’ve decided not to speak to you. How often did you speak via text before this? Do you look similar to your sister? Could you be bringing up bad memories for them?

I don't get this. There was absolutely nothing strange about either message and OP says she's always had a perfectly cordial relationship with the sons.

I would reach out OP. I hope it sorts itself out and so sorry for the loss of your sister

LadyEloise1 · 14/01/2023 09:06

IhearyouClemFandango · 14/01/2023 08:04

They were happy to receive contact when it’s may have benefitted them though eh.

yanbu OP, it’s rude.

This.
And no good deed goes unpunished, sadly.

Doingmybest12 · 14/01/2023 09:10

I think it is strange that you directly asked if probate is sorted now. It is lovely you pointed them in the direction of the pension but they do not need to comment about this to you at all, most people are very private re finances and if they were estranged they might have complicated feelings about this. . I think they do feel you've got an anterior motive , you've made efforts to stay in touch, the ball is in their court.

LadyEloise1 · 14/01/2023 10:08

The OP has led them to receiving money they hadn't realised they could get.
Some form of thank you would be nice.
As @Velvetween writes they probably didn't have a great parenting role model growing up and were not taught good manners.

I don understand this sense of entitlement younger people have where they just don't say thank you for nice experiences, good deeds done for them or gifts given to them. Not all young people. But some. Sad

harrassedmumto3 · 14/01/2023 11:24

They're so rude and bang out of order.
Flowers

loobylou10 · 14/01/2023 12:15

Very rude of them. I would send a final
Message
'Am assuming all sorted with probate now and that you don't need any more help with it. Am a little bemused as to why you seem to have stopped replying to me but I'll not bother you again'
Money does strange things to people.

Doingmybest12 · 14/01/2023 12:31

Why does OP need to ask if probate is all sorted? It is nothing to do with her. Just because she helped them with information doesn't mean they owe her any information in return . Yes it would be nice to have a thank you but they've chosen not to for what ever reason. Op just be pleased you did the right thing at the time and move on.

loobylou10 · 14/01/2023 12:34

No, they don't owe her an update, but given that she told them about it and helped with the paperwork (and helped them get possibly '000's of £'s they wouldn't have had), a simple acknowledgment and a thank you would seem appropriate to me.

Original poster
Shellsarebells · 14/01/2023 12:49

Doingmybest12 · 14/01/2023 12:31

Why does OP need to ask if probate is all sorted? It is nothing to do with her. Just because she helped them with information doesn't mean they owe her any information in return . Yes it would be nice to have a thank you but they've chosen not to for what ever reason. Op just be pleased you did the right thing at the time and move on.

I didn't ask about probate, I know probate has been received because that's available to the public.

I just would've liked a yes all sorted thanks, when I asked.

I think I deserve it for the time and effort I took to help. The probate form alone is 25 pages and some of the information they were not aware of.

I really don't think that's a big ask?

OP posts:
Hollaatme3022 · 14/01/2023 14:21

So, you didn't ask about probate as you were able to find out anyway, which you clearly did.

OP, in the kindest way, your sister passed, but they lost their mother. Maybe they saw your messages as too much; given what they are going through.

Manners cost nothing, I agree. But putting yourself into the shoes of someone who has lost their mum, and understanding that they may not be reacting in the way you would have hoped; also costs nothing.

MontageOfHeck · 14/01/2023 14:27

Is it possible that they forgot to reply initially and now they just feel awkward as they’re aware how much you’ve helped them?

Original poster
Shellsarebells · 14/01/2023 15:19

Hollaatme3022 · 14/01/2023 14:21

So, you didn't ask about probate as you were able to find out anyway, which you clearly did.

OP, in the kindest way, your sister passed, but they lost their mother. Maybe they saw your messages as too much; given what they are going through.

Manners cost nothing, I agree. But putting yourself into the shoes of someone who has lost their mum, and understanding that they may not be reacting in the way you would have hoped; also costs nothing.

No I didn't ask about probate, as I said I knew it had been granted. I don't understand your point.

Their DM died a few years ago, this wasn't in the raw first weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shellsarebells · 14/01/2023 15:32

MontageOfHeck · 14/01/2023 14:27

Is it possible that they forgot to reply initially and now they just feel awkward as they’re aware how much you’ve helped them?

That's possible.

I wouldn't be bothered by late replies though.

OP posts:
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