For family members birthdays she contacts dh to make sure he sends cards and presents. Sometimes she even tries to pick the present he should get or tell him how much he should spend. She will contact dh many times reminding him and double checking he has done it.She does this if he goes to a friends wedding as well. This is the same for sending people flowers or than you cards. We were too busy to send thank you cards for gifts within a week after the birth of our son so she sent a pack of thank you cards in the post, telling us when we must send them.
She tries to control all family events and holidays. Dh would always have to visit at Christmas time and he has to stay for a bare minimum of 2 nights. When I would go to her house for Christmas she told dh I need to talk to other family members more, and I need to make an effort on Christmas day and dress up and wear make-up. You also would get woken up at 7am and told to come to living room in your pyjamas to open presents. It was because Sil wanted people to watch her open presents mostly. Maybe I am over thinking but it felt like the whole day was controlled. For years it was always us going there for Christmas and boxing day. When we got our first house, the first time we were going to spend it with my parents her reply was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas". Emotional blackmail is very common if you don't do what she wants. She tried to pick out the place we have our wedding meal at. She told my DH the maximum amount he should spend on my engagement ring. Even demanding to know how much we were going to donate at my sons Christening at the church in front of everyone.
She does this for family news as well, telling him to text or call friends or family about things. Like you must call so and so to tell them about such and such. Or telling dh that he must send our wedding and christening invites / information to people by a certain time. Or that we must announce the birth on facebook. She even told DH who to send our baby scan pictures to.
It feels like she thinks she can control every aspect of his/ our lives and treats us like we are incapable children. She didn’t want us to have a baby and told DH "I hope your not trying for a baby". When DH told her I was pregnant she was almost in tears on the phone asking how will we cope. She was also very against me breastfeeding. For the first month after having dc she would ring almost every day asking if I was still breastfeeding, as well as giving unsolicited advice and pointing out the obvious. She also came into my bedroom when I was trying to breastfeed and she told me “its just so difficult, there is really no shame in giving up”. She told dh if I stop breastfeeding she will buy him a perfect prep machine telling my husband “my friend started formula feeding and they and baby were much happier”. When we have decided I will be a sahm because of the cost of travel and childcare. MIL told DH I should just work because I need a job and even tried to bribe him by saying she will pay for part of nursery as my son will be better off in nursery. One weekend we said she couldn't visit because I was really ill with an infection. Because she couldn't visit that weekend she was shouting at DH over the phone saying "I'm just trying to help", and then she didn't visit for months and just sent texts implying we were stopping her from seeing her grandchild. She also looked for any minor excuse to try to blame him or scold him for something for months.
She tries to pick out different jobs for dh and even links him jobs. She got dh's step father to tell him its nice he enjoys his job but he should be earning more to support his family (we are financially fine and have never asked them for money). The jobs she picks out don't even pay much better. They are just a lot closer to her (we might even be worse off as the house prices are more expensive in that area). When we were were moving in together and DH was buying a house dh's step father sent an email to both of us insinuating I might be a gold digger so be careful, and make sure we both do what is right. If he puts on a little weight, she tells him he needs to walk to work (5 miles away), only have 1 meal a day, asks if he is eating to much junk food, and when she visits touches his belly and makes comments.
She wants to know everything. Even asking dh what vaginal exams I was having after giving birth, my own mother would not ask or want to know that.
My son has had a language delay and behaviour issues since the age of 1. She would constantly insinuate it was our fault asking things like are we even talking to him and pointing out his behaviour is not normal. One time commenting don't you even know your own age in an almost mocking way when he could not answer. He has since been diagnosed as being autistic. Since his diagnosis we have not had an apology for behaviour. She is fact denies she said any of it and uses emotional blackmail saying things like “how can you think that of me, an I wont tell step Fil that you think that of me”. She will lie and deny a lot of the things I'm saying here or say “I’m just trying to help”.
Over the years I have went more low contact and asked dh to stop sharing so information, especially about me. Because of this I am the black sheep of the family and seen as always being unreasonable by the family.