Would you find this acceptable for your relative in a care home?

[Greengables4]

Resident with full capacity has been told by a care assistant (in front of everyone) that he needs 'to talk more and be more sociable in the main dining area.'

Been called 'too sensitive' as he 'doesn't say much'.

Another carer accidentally gave the relative's phone to another resident believing it was theirs. Relative was worried and asked staff to look for phone (relative is immobile) before it was found, said male carer who's made these other comments said 'Let this be a lesson for you in making sure you look after your phone next time.' even though it wasn't relative's fault.

Always called 'big man' when carer assists him to stand, feels very patronising to him.

Are these things worth mentioning to manager?

It's the same male care assistant who's said all these.

He's not being rude to anyone, there are plenty of residents who prefer their own company, at 80 odd if he doesn't feel like socialising he shouldn't have to really.

YANBU at his age he doesn't bloody well "need" to do anything

Carers do a tough job. The resident has full capacity so is presumably capable of responding to all of these situations himself.

I mean, a misunderstanding about how he lost his phone and some well-intentioned (but unwanted) advice doesn't sound like a complaint situation to me.

God yes I would complain! He should be treated with respect and not like a child or patronised by anyone.

I know they do, I'm carer myself. He might have capacity but doesn't necessarily feel confident in defending himself against this carer

To me, complaining on his behalf feels patronising. He isn't a child and has full capacity.

The carer obviously misunderstood how he lost his phone. I expect they deal with misplaced stuff all day. I'm sure the resident is up to saying 'actually your colleague gave it to someone else by mistake.'

The carer obviously worries that the resident may be socially isolated. I'm sure the resident is up to saying 'actually I prefer my own company.'

I can see how both conversations were irritating, but not a complaint surely, about someone doing such a tough job.

Around here 'big man' is common. Along with 'love'. I'm not keen on either. I think I'd say that the resident would prefer not to be called 'big man.'

No he doesn’t have to socialise at 80 but he would probably benefit from it. He really needs to speak up himself rather than it being dealt with by you after the event. You’re getting only one side of the story and the context that they have added, the comments said one way aren’t nice but said jovially it’s a completely different scenario. Regarding big man, all he has to do is tell him to use his name every time.

Fair enough. If you're a carer yourself you presumably know better than any of us what warrants a complaint and what doesn't, and how it will be received.

I would assist relative in making a complaint.

Defending himself is an unusual choice of language for the scenario given.

Ok, thanks for your Feedback and replies.

I suppose I am putting myself in the carer's shoes and imaging how he will feel when his manager tells him that they've received a complaint about him.

Not for doing anything wrong really, but just for trying to encourage a resident to socialise and a misunderstanding about a phone. In his shoes, given everything the carer does for the resident, I think I'd feel hurt. Couldn't you just have a friendly word with the carer directly?

I wouldn't make a formal complaint, no. A private word with the carer is all that's needed.
'Big man' would be fairly common in Glasgow, for example. I can't help but feel that you're nitpicking with that one.

I think it depends. Either of the comments could be seen as innocuous and affectionate, or rude and patronising, depending on the circumstances.

Personally I don't like endearments unless they are genuine and reciprocated. My DM used to call a couple of her carers "Dear" and they might call her "My lovely" - but it was meant. They had a genuine friendly relationship. However, people differ and everyone's needs should be taken into account.

My DM had a couple of carers who absolutely might have said "let that be a lesson" to you, but in jest, and DM would have laughed. Others saying the same would have got short shrift.

I did on occasion step in where my DM was annoyed about something, but I had a good relationship with the managers.

I think PPs saying your relative should be able to stand up for himself as he has capacity are failing to realise the complexity of being in a care situation, and that there is a huge difference between having capacity, and having the confidence and communication skills to advocate for oneself.

If you're a carer yourself you can maybe have a friendly carer-to-carer chat rather than making a complaint?

It's kind of like saying anyone in any situation should be able to stand up for themselves, whether that's in school, work or in a relationship. It's not always so simple sadly.

I wouldn’t make a formal complaint, just have a chat with his names carer or manager. If possible, make it into an informal chat between you, your relative & carer.

My Dad had 6 years in a care home, full capacity until a few days before he died. It took him a good few months until he was confident to advocate for himself (even though he was a bloody angry, opinionated gobshite).

Just saying, hey, “xxx likes to be known as xxx.” may be all that’s needed for the ‘big man’ issue.

As for the phone, labels are you friend. And possession, label, label and then label more! No staff can possibly remember every single resident item. We’d even label lighters that they held in the manager office.

Dad was an anti social bugger, taking months just to have one meal a day in the floor dining room. And even that was sporadic. Again, a chat with his named carer would help, likewise to discuss the phone misunderstanding.

And it’s vital to remind your relative that they have a voice & they will be listened to. Many feel infantilised in the whirlwind of moving into a care home, it’s a massive adjustment (with the feeling that it’s just a waiting room to die in Dad’s case). Give your relative the confidence to talk about how he’d like his day to be, what his preferences are.

You do not have to go in all guns blazing for all issues, as tempting as it is. Remember that this is your relative’s home, and a major confrontation could cause your relative to lose any feelings of security they have.

Thanks and yes I agree, I suppose I meant rather a quiet chat with the management or the carer, doesn't really warrant cqc or anything.

I've always come down pretty hard on patronising and disrespectful "banter" from caring/healthcare staff. I can't bear it. My mother-in-law is a dignified Holocaust survivor who doesn't need to be called condescending names by carehome staff.

I'm an ex care home nurse and, yes, you do need to complain. The carer has been patronising and this needs addressing. Care home residents are not children and should be treated with respect at all times and their care should be directed towards their individual needs and preferences.

@WestBridgewater

No he doesn’t have to socialise at 80 but he would probably benefit from it.

Would he? Why? Just because he is 80?

What if he isn't sociable and is happier spending his time alone?

I dread reaching this age and having forced socialisation - it's one of my bigger worries. I don't socialise now, I'm bloody sure o won't want to be doing it when I'm 80.

OP I would absolutely raise this with the home, the man himself is the single most important factor here. Someone unthread mentioned how the cater would feel finding out there was a complaint, well that's not your issue. Your sole issue here is to ensure the elderly man is given respect and dignity.

I’m not suggesting he starts a sing along. He could just go in the communal areas, he doesn’t have to do anything apart from being somewhere other than the four walls of his room. He could try it, he might find it interesting or he might not. If he doesn’t so be it.

I’m not suggesting he starts a sing along. He could just go in the communal areas, he doesn’t have to do anything apart from being somewhere other than the four walls of his room. He could try it, he might find it interesting or he might not. If he doesn’t so be it.

Right, but he doesn't have to do this simply because he is 80. He has the right to make his own choices still, or at least he is supposed to.

You should 100% talk to the home on his behalf. He's an old man in a very vunerable position, he probably doesn't feel like he can speak out for himself. But the staff need to remember that this is this man's home and he should be able to spend his time as he pleases and not be spoken down to in such a disrespectful manner.

I’m not sure I would, tbh. It really doesn’t sound that bad and you wouldn’t want any of the carers to take a dislike to him when he is so reliant upon them.

I would 100% want to know if one of our carers was speaking to someone like this, regardless of capacity. Definitely raise these concerns, for everyone’s sake.