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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you find this acceptable for your relative in a care home?

35 replies

Greengables4 · 14/01/2023 06:52

Resident with full capacity has been told by a care assistant (in front of everyone) that he needs 'to talk more and be more sociable in the main dining area.'

Been called 'too sensitive' as he 'doesn't say much'.

Another carer accidentally gave the relative's phone to another resident believing it was theirs. Relative was worried and asked staff to look for phone (relative is immobile) before it was found, said male carer who's made these other comments said 'Let this be a lesson for you in making sure you look after your phone next time.' even though it wasn't relative's fault.

Always called 'big man' when carer assists him to stand, feels very patronising to him.

Are these things worth mentioning to manager?

It's the same male care assistant who's said all these.

OP posts:

ChristmasFluff · 14/01/2023 09:23

It's really difficult for residents to speak up in these situations because of the power imbalance of being dependent on their carers.

Yes, I would complain about these incidents, and as someone who used to work in care homes, I'd have had a word with the carer myself had I seen either incident or if the resident expressed that he didn't like being called 'Big Man' - that's not complaint-worthy unless it continues when he's been asked to stop, but the other two incidents totally are.

gogohmm · 14/01/2023 09:28

Flip it around, in the dining area is he sitting refusing to talk to other residents, this could be construed as rude? The phone seems like a misunderstanding and "big man" could be a compliment in some areas.

My suspicion is they are trying to get him to settle better, to get along with the people he lives with because they are worried about him. If he has full capacity then he should discuss these things himself

keepareaclean · 14/01/2023 09:29

Notthetoothfairy · 14/01/2023 08:16

I’m not sure I would, tbh. It really doesn’t sound that bad and you wouldn’t want any of the carers to take a dislike to him when he is so reliant upon them.

Ignore this OP. Trying to scare people into silence with wet threats is not ok.

keepareaclean · 14/01/2023 09:30

One thing that surprises me is the assumption that if someone has capacity that they can advocate for themselves.

Justcallmebebes · 14/01/2023 09:34

I absolutely would bring this up. It's all about dignity and choice. It's not up to a carer to scold a resident for not being sociable enough or demeaning him in his tone and/or words.

Plus, if the resident doesn't like being called big man, for whatever reason and regardless of how it's meant, then he shouldn't be called it.

I can't believe some of these posts

donttellmehesalive · 14/01/2023 09:42

keepareaclean · 14/01/2023 09:30

One thing that surprises me is the assumption that if someone has capacity that they can advocate for themselves.

I suppose I don't see any of the three examples in the op as an 'advocating' situation (or defending as I think op put it) as so minor. But my replies are only based on my own experiences of care homes. My relatives who are residents would easily deal with all three of those scenarios themselves. But I take the point that not everyone is the same. OP knows the resident better than we do and is a carer herself so I'm sure she'll make the right decision.

keepareaclean · 14/01/2023 09:46

I suppose I don't see any of the three examples in the op as an 'advocating' situation (or defending as I think op put it) as so minor.

They are only 'minor' from your POV. They may not be minor to the 80 year old man.

However as you say you don't consider these examples to to 'advocating' situations I think it's safe to say when I spoke about people's opinions on him advocating I probably wasn't talking to you.

donttellmehesalive · 14/01/2023 10:09

keepareaclean · 14/01/2023 09:46

I suppose I don't see any of the three examples in the op as an 'advocating' situation (or defending as I think op put it) as so minor.

They are only 'minor' from your POV. They may not be minor to the 80 year old man.

However as you say you don't consider these examples to to 'advocating' situations I think it's safe to say when I spoke about people's opinions on him advocating I probably wasn't talking to you.

Never-the-less presumably allowed an opinion on what you said.

keepareaclean · 14/01/2023 10:15

Never-the-less presumably allowed an opinion on what you said.

I mean sure, but I was talking directly about people assuming having capacity means you can advocate for yourself. So even if these things are not 'advocate necessary' as you think, it makes no odds. Millions of adults have capacity but can't/don't/won't advocate for themselves.

Tiani4 · 14/01/2023 10:56

Ask to speak to the manager to get this resolved- they will want to know and can easily resolve it as it's making the client feel uncomfortable

This carer is patronising this client
How he spoke to him was experienced by the client as being told off
He doesn't like being called Big Man, he prefers his name to be used
A carer accidentally gave away his mobile phone to another resident and then this carer (instead of apologising that it happened ) 'told off' this resident for 'not looking after his phone'

Whilst these aren't safeguarding issues, they are issues around respect and dignity for the client (regardless of capacity or not)

Some people may like a bit of ' bantz' but other people don't , it's a soft skill to know who does and who won't.

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