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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A waste of money- any other solution?

33 replies

FourFour · 13/01/2023 22:33

I might be flamed but need some help. We have a DS newborn(6 week old) and a 5yo. I am struggling. Dh has a very stressful but well paid job and I'm a sahm. My Ds has reflux, it was a complicated birth and I'm just overwhelmed with 2 kids. Dh is a completely hands on dad and I would say we are doing everything equally and he has his job as well. We are both people who absolutely can't cope without sleep. Dh has a health condition and I have sleep apnea. I know most people would say it's normal with newborns, have a coffee and crack on. We went through this with my 5yo and we only slept after she turned 3 as she was horrendous with sleep. My ds it seems is similar. We currently do the nights in shifts. me having 2-3 hours just doesn't cut it. I need a full 6-7 hours to feel even semi normal.
My ds seems to cry/feel the worst in the morning which coincides with school times for my dd. We also live in Central London where our parking is roads away from our home and trying to manage a screaming baby and dd is just impossible. Sorry for this absolutely long winded story but here's the dilemma. We have decided that the only solution is to hire a FT nanny housekeeper. I feel this is such a waste because I'm a sahm but at the same time we are overwhelmed with everything at home and desperately need help. would you do this even if you could afford it?

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 13/01/2023 22:47

If I could afford to, then yes, I would.
Why wouldn't you ?

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 13/01/2023 22:49

Why have you jumped straight to a fulltime Nanny/housekeeper rather than part time a few hrs a day or a couple of days a week?

iwantavuvezela · 13/01/2023 22:50

would a night nurse work for some nights so you could both sleep in and get the sleep you need - but if you can afford it get all then help you can

ZuckerwatterMaus · 13/01/2023 22:50

If I could afford it then of course I would . It’s not for ever and could very well save your health , both physically and mentally and even your relationship if you both become overwhelmed.

TokyoSushi · 13/01/2023 22:53

From nothing to a full time nanny/housekeeper seems a bit of a leap. But if you can afford it, go for it!

pinksquash13 · 13/01/2023 22:54

If you can afford it, definitely hire some help. I agree, could you try part time support to see if that makes a different. Night nurse also could be good. Hope you get what you're looking for. I've got a 4 month old and as you know, it does get easier with time. My eldest was a shocking sleeper too.

TheTeenageYears · 13/01/2023 22:55

What about a night Nanny. Could be beneficial in treating the symptom and not the cause and hopefully solve night time issues so you aren't faced with the prospect of years of sleep issues again.

MynameisJune · 13/01/2023 22:58

How would a day nanny help your husband or you sleep? You could sleep in the day whilst nanny has baby I guess and then stay awake at night whilst DH sleeps? What about a night nanny and a mothers helper to help sort the housework out?

Unicorn2022 · 13/01/2023 23:00

That seems a weird choice as it means you still won't get any sleep at night but will have someone around all day.

If it was me and I had money to throw at this I would get a night nanny. They normally work 9pm to 7am but you could maybe get them to stay a bit longer to give you more time to get your DD ready in the morning.

www.nightnannies.com

talknomore · 13/01/2023 23:00

I would first look for a specialist nanny to help with night sleep of the baby.
Discuss with agency what hours would be possible so that you can get a good night sleep and be fresh in the morning to get your 5 yo to school. So maybe to take the baby over after your school run. Give it few weeks and see if it goes. You may find thst the night nurse will train your baby to sleep and everyone in your family is going to be able to a have good routine.
It may seem expensive but if it is for 8-10 weeks then you can justify it in yoir mind.

Saracen · 13/01/2023 23:04

I don't know what the exact best solution is but yes, if I could afford it I would definitely throw money at this problem. It would make such a huge difference to your entire family.

Original poster
FourFour · 13/01/2023 23:18

Thanks for all the replies. We decided against the night nanny because I just wouldn't sleep through my baby crying and needing my or Dh comfort. I just couldn't. Around here, finding a pt or anyone to help with the school run is just impossible, everyone wants FT hours.

We are thinking of a day person because they could do the school run and I could catch up on some sleep or solely focus on the baby without having to worry about anything else. Dh has a health condition and a stressful job so I think this would also relieve the pressure of him. He says let's do it for 6 months at least just to get us through this tough period and decide after. I just feel guilty as I'm a sahm and should be able to cope ?

OP posts:
IWineAndDontDine · 13/01/2023 23:18

I echo the night nanny comments! It could help you be a functional human and the best parent during the day! Good luck, I know it's hard 💕

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 13/01/2023 23:19

Just go for it. What's the point in money if you can't use it as a tool to simplify, bring joy or alleviate stress?

talknomore · 13/01/2023 23:21

The night nanny will sleep train your baby. Are you breastfeeding?

Original poster
FourFour · 13/01/2023 23:24

My baby just has peaks with the crying and the hardest part is towards the morning. He then goes down for a 2-3 hour nap and this is the only continuous nap. Unfortunately this is over the exact time as the school run. My dd is also having a hugely difficult time with the new baby. She is conflicted between loving having a sibling and us focusing so much on the baby. We lost a baby late in my last pregnancy which she struggled with so she's just been so emotional. We are all just feeling overwhelmed.

OP posts:
Babyclb · 13/01/2023 23:24

We are thinking of a day person because they could do the school run and I could catch up on some sleep or solely focus on the baby without having to worry about anything else.

I really don’t understand, you want a full time nanny to drop your 5 year old to school?
Surely you can focus on the baby all day anyway without worrying about anything else since your dd is at school anyway?
Cant your dh just drop her to school?
It just seems so random to hire a full time person when they would barely be doing any work?
I guess if you literally have money to burn then why not but I really don’t see how this helps except put you like 30-50k down.

Original poster
FourFour · 13/01/2023 23:30

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 13/01/2023 23:19

Just go for it. What's the point in money if you can't use it as a tool to simplify, bring joy or alleviate stress?

My Dh says the exact same thing. He says we just need to do it to get us through. urgh it's just me, I'm a sahm I should be coping? I had such a tough pregnancy, this was an ivf pregnancy after so many losses.

OP posts:
BabyOnBoard90 · 13/01/2023 23:32

Sounds like a privileged dilemma to have. I'm sure you'll be alright

keeprunning55 · 13/01/2023 23:36

How wonderful to be able to afford help. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Don’t feel guilty about having help. I would if I could afford to-I think most people would.

WhiskersPete · 13/01/2023 23:37

The night nanny will sleep train your baby.

You can't sleep train a 6 week old!

Prettybutdumb · 13/01/2023 23:38

We did that when our second was born. She came Mon - Sat (reduced hours on Saturdays). She tidied up, took the baby for walks so I can sleep or exercise and also cooked the most beautiful lunches. It saved our marriage as we were arguing so much due to the lack of sleep. I was also a SAHM and his entire family judged me. They still mention it now, years after we stopped needing help. I don’t care. We could easily afford it at and it helped us sooo much.

IveForgottenAgainFFS · 13/01/2023 23:44

Don't worry about what you 'should' be able to do as a sah mum.

Reconsider the night nanny. Have a consultation and tell them your worries. I'm sure you're not the first to think like this and they can give you their view. Even if you feel the need to get up and go for a cuddle every single time the baby wakes you'll get a lot more sleep as will DH.

Since you can afford it you don't really need cheaper suggestions but worth mentioning for others that a friend had the same issue as you re. babysnap coinciding with the school run. She called a few babysitters and found one willing to come for an hour before college, worked very well and was only needed for a few months.

minipie · 13/01/2023 23:47

Ok so I was similar albeit smaller age gap. DC1 had been a traumatic birth and a horrific sleeper and I was terrified DC2 was going the same way. I threw money at it and panic hired a maternity nurse for 6 weeks when DC2 was 4 weeks old.

With hindsight:

  1. both DC had tongue tie - do get yours checked by a proper lactation consultant

  2. I had PND and actually having the maternity nurse made things worse. I felt so incompetent having her do everything. I started to feel better once she left and I had to do things myself.

  3. DC2 wasn’t nearly as bad a sleeper as DC1 in the end, I was just panicking.

Because of point 2 I really wouldn’t recommend your plan, I think it may make you feel worse. I do think a night nanny a few times a week is a good idea. Ideally one who can stay to help cover school drop off.

talknomore · 13/01/2023 23:47

Some babies respond very well to sleep training @WhiskersPete . By the time the night nurse starts the baby may be 2 months and gaps between feeds will grow.

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