To not trust DSD's mum's boyfriend?

[picklik]

Bit of background, I've been in DSD's life since she was one.

My partner and I introduced me as his partner after six months, but built up slowly. For example, I would stay at family's house overnight when she first began to stay over at our house at three years old. We saw each other every day, often with DSD's mum also. All very gentle and mindful of DSD's needs, ensuring mum was comfortable too, as she struggled to accept that her ex had moved on and that another woman was becoming involved in DSD's life.

When DSD was four, mum starts seeing someone new. We were happy for her as she hadn't really been interested in anyone but my DP since the breakup.

However, suddenly all safeguarding seemed to disappear. She had him stay over the first night they met, with DSD in the house. Suddenly, he and his two kids were always there. She moved him in and then his youngest (about one y.o.) stopped coming. Turns out, her mum had gone NC and refused him seeing this child. He still sees his eldest, looks about 9 y.o.

We communicated our concerns of him suddenly being there overnight and bringing his kids, this was not how we had done introductions and DSD was clearly confused about who this guy was and why he was staying in her house. I might add, they were in a flat, DSD had been cosleeping with her mum. He was apparently sleeping on the sofa, but DSD had let slip that this was not the case.

Fast forward two years and he's still in the picture. They've managed to get a bigger house and no longer all sharing one room. They've had child together but he still displays worrying behaviour. He's clearly not seeing his other child, not sure what's going on there, I don't know if this is a red flag.

The issue is, DSD says he doesn't mind if she's naked in front of him. Calls him "baby" and I am so terrified that he is up to something. I don't trust him, I tell her she shouldn't be naked around people that aren't family, but she says he is family. He is the father of her sibling.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Would you be worried? I try not to pry and ask her questions, these are just things that she's said. But I just don't want her to be hurt by this man. He has been in her life for about two years at this point.

What exactly is it that you're worried about? What behaviour is DSD showing that is unusual of concern etc?

You're not unreasonable for keeping an eye, but careful not to draw DSD into a situation where she feels she might have done something wrong.

Really your DH needs to be the one addressing this, however lovely you are.

You can both talk about boundaries and personal boundaries and promote an environment where consent matters.

If you were still concerned or you had some particular concerns you could speak to your local children's services or the school safeguarding lead.

Well, the bit at the end is a bit strange. What age is she now? I don@t think the mum has done anything that your partner hasn@t done (IE, Both have new partners)
But the comments about not minding being naked in front of him. Is he encouraging her to feel that she has to prove she's not a prude by walking around naked? I don't like the sound of this either.
What age is she now? I'd tell her that he is her mother's boyfriend and he should not be commenting on her body and he should not be touching her body and that if she ever feels uncomfortable she can come over to yours no questions asked. I think the grooming process is so gradual that a child is trained to feel they're over reacting to a small thing, then it's two small things and then three and then ''you allowed me yesterday'' so yeh, it's a concern. Not necessarily call social services but talk to her. Let her know that just feeling conflicted and just feeling uncomfortable is enough for her to ask to come over and just maybe ''watch that film you talked about last time''.

I encourage her to know who to turn to if someone touches her, (parents, teachers, me). I'm worried that this man was quite happy to get into bed with a four year old girl and her mum.
DP doesn't trust this guy either, but since he's come on the scene, his relationship with DSD's mum has changed and become strained due to the speed at which her new relationship progressed and the bed sharing.
She's six. She doesn't have the sense of appropriate vs inappropriate yet, I'm aware that she wouldn't understand what's okay for him to do and what isn't. E.g. encouraging very to call him "baby", sleeping in the same bed as him and being naked around eachother. I don't know all of the details as I don't want her to feel like I'm interrogating her, just light hearted chat about safety and bodily autonomy.
Mum had a really good relationship with us just before he came onto the scene, coming over for coffee and going on days out with us. Now we barely see her and she seems isolated, she doesn't see her friends much and speaks of the boyfriend having issues with his exes. DSD says her mum and boyfriend argue a lot.

You can do a Sarah’s law request if you’re worried.

@Cileymyrus I've done a Clare's Law application as it seemed like Sarah's law was a bit harder to get hold of. I haven't heard anything back just yet. Thank you for the advice, I'll look into it again.

How long does DSD's mothers partner have to be living in the same house before you consider him a part of your DSD's family?
Do you class yourself as family to DSD?

Claire’s law looks for any history of Domestic violence.

sarah’s law looks for any risk to children.

you need Sarah’s law.

it shouldn’t be any harder to get, both are a phone call to the police.

you will only be told if there is a risk. You may not be told at all, as obviously when she’s with you she is safeguarded from him. They will tell her mum though and she will be expected to take action to protect her child.

Poor kid. her father legged it when she was a baby, and her Mum is so desperate for affection that she has shacked up with someone with very inappropriate boundaries.

Some children don’t have a chance.

Hmm doesn't sound right, everything you've mentioned is an overstep of boundaries but combined it reads as quite concerning.

Getting her to call him "baby", did I read that right? That's actually pretty creepy, as is seeing her naked regularly (why? Absolutely no reason that should be happening and he should know that), sleeping in the same bed at 4.

I guess the only thing you can do is keep a log, keep the relationship good with the mum and keep communicating with your step daughter. I don't really have much knowledge on this but could you also anonymously call nspcc or similar for advice?

Get your dh to keep her with you two and make the mother go to court for custody, then let the court decide what they think about all this.

This does not sound good at all.

Rather all that ^ upset than an abused child.

This is awful and so unkind. Parents can separate without it meaning children don't have a chance.

YABU because the dad moved on a lot faster if he was with you when his DD was 1.

You are no more family than the mums partner.

Presumably op isn't encouraging a young dc to hang out naked around her... If he genuinely said this I would be speaking to her dm. Well your dh should be.

So? I'd be concerned about this as a family friend, let alone in a stepmother role.

All of those things in combination is worrying.

I think you should speak to the safeguarding lead at dad's school.

Six year old step daughter calls step dad "baby" and volunteered that he doesn't mind her being naked in front of him? And she shared a bed with him from Day 1? (Although not now?)

I have concerns about that and Im a complete stranger.

What the fuck are you talking about?

He sounds creepy. What has ex said when DH has raised these issues with her in the past?

My concern about my DSD's happiness and welfare. I will keep and eye and do a Sarah's law check. I am also concerned about Mum and want her to be happy and in a healthy relationship. This isn't about who moved on sooner it's about relationships in DSD's life being good for her and beneficial to her.

I understand some people feel this isn't my place, that I'm not family etc. I am not trying to be Mum or criticise DSD's Mum's parenting. I'm just concerned and wanted someone else's view.

As a person who was sexually abused as a child and also had divorced parents, I know it's really hard and confusing to be a child in these circumstances and I'll be her advocate no matter what.

Thank you for the messages of advice, I really do feel uneasy about the things I've heard about him but I'm aware he's been on the scene for a while now and she lives with them almost 50% of the time. The worst thing that could happen is that she is traumatised by any of this, including my own concerns affecting the people around me.

I am working hard not to show my concerns to the child and we no longer speak to mum as much as we did so don't feel like a conversation will go down well between DP and mum about it all.

@DoormatBob so basically, a stepmum is wrong on mumsnet even when trying to point out some red flags so bright they can be seen from space? 😂

OP I’m a teacher and if a child in my class told me she was sharing a bed with Mum’s BF (or Dad’s GF) after a few months, I’d be worried. The naked comment is very concerning as is the calling him baby. And the being naked in front of family sounds like grooming chat. Not trying to say anything untoward is necessarily going on, the adults involved might just have poor boundaries, but if it was my DSD I’d be putting in an anonymous SS report. We are always told on safeguarding training that it’s better to report and be wrong than not report and be right.

I think the OP sounds lovely. Yes she got together with her partner when his daughter was young, but to me it sounds like they both put the child first.....and unlike the stepfather her partner didn't abandon his child when someone new came along. I think the OP sounds genuinely concerned for her stepdaughter and I can understand why tbh. But it seems MN gives all stepmothers a hard time like they're all straight out of Cinderella. 🙄

It does sound like there are red flags and triggers and I wonder if a Safeguarding Alert needs to be raised. Would it be useful to talk to NSPCC? Do Childline only take calls from children or can concerned adults ask for advice?

With respect I think you need to take a big step back and let her dad handle this. You have the viewpoint of a victim, but if the child’s dad doesn’t feel his daughter is being sexually abused - because that is what you’re insinuating- then you need to deal with your own trauma and not heap it on to the child. No parent is ever going to return their child to the home of a predator if they believe they’re being abused in this way.

Also, my youngest DS is quite happy to strip off in front of an entire house for bath time at 5yo (and without being asked. I have suggested he use the bathroom to undress). He has no worries about his body or people seeing his body because he is only 5 and doesn’t get why he should be embarrassed. His older sister passed comment to him about it being gross so I reassured him naked bodies were absolutely not gross, he could well take that to mean I don’t mind seeing him naked when the point was to make sure he wasn’t embarrassed about his body.

It does sound like they moved fast but it's been 4 years and another child later so I think you can stop taking the moral high ground in this point.

Wrt the being naked. I think she lives in the same house and sees him as family. With young kids it's hard to keep them clothed at all times.

What else are you worried about specifically?