To not trust DSD's mum's boyfriend?

[picklik]

Bit of background, I've been in DSD's life since she was one.

My partner and I introduced me as his partner after six months, but built up slowly. For example, I would stay at family's house overnight when she first began to stay over at our house at three years old. We saw each other every day, often with DSD's mum also. All very gentle and mindful of DSD's needs, ensuring mum was comfortable too, as she struggled to accept that her ex had moved on and that another woman was becoming involved in DSD's life.

When DSD was four, mum starts seeing someone new. We were happy for her as she hadn't really been interested in anyone but my DP since the breakup.

However, suddenly all safeguarding seemed to disappear. She had him stay over the first night they met, with DSD in the house. Suddenly, he and his two kids were always there. She moved him in and then his youngest (about one y.o.) stopped coming. Turns out, her mum had gone NC and refused him seeing this child. He still sees his eldest, looks about 9 y.o.

We communicated our concerns of him suddenly being there overnight and bringing his kids, this was not how we had done introductions and DSD was clearly confused about who this guy was and why he was staying in her house. I might add, they were in a flat, DSD had been cosleeping with her mum. He was apparently sleeping on the sofa, but DSD had let slip that this was not the case.

Fast forward two years and he's still in the picture. They've managed to get a bigger house and no longer all sharing one room. They've had child together but he still displays worrying behaviour. He's clearly not seeing his other child, not sure what's going on there, I don't know if this is a red flag.

The issue is, DSD says he doesn't mind if she's naked in front of him. Calls him "baby" and I am so terrified that he is up to something. I don't trust him, I tell her she shouldn't be naked around people that aren't family, but she says he is family. He is the father of her sibling.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Would you be worried? I try not to pry and ask her questions, these are just things that she's said. But I just don't want her to be hurt by this man. He has been in her life for about two years at this point.

No parent is ever going to return their child to the home of a predator if they believe they’re being abused in this way

yet they do. Many women allow abusers access to their children unwittingly. Because abusers can be manipulative and clever and slow, taking years sometimes to get parents and children to trust them.

often the victims don’t even realise they’ve been abused, especially very young ones.

o/p is absolutely right to report it if she has any doubts. As pp said, better to report and be wrong than not and a child continues to be abused…

Your best bet is using age appropriate tools with her to open up the conversation. She's old enough to tell you if something is concerning. How fast he moved in is really non of your business though sorry. NSPCC has the best advice www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/pants-underwear-rule/

Just to get this out there, I have had lots of therapy and am completely at peace with my past.

My DP is unsure of what to do but feels the same as me. I am trying to collaborate with him and advise best I can. I am not going to call anyone or raise anything without speaking to him first. He's really worried about this all.

I am not going to call up mum and start throwing accusations around about her partner of two years.

These things build up over time, it's comments here and there from DSD, mum hiding the truth about certain things.

I'm aware that my past can make me hyper aware, but I see that for what it is and am careful not to body shame DSD or scare her, if she's perfectly safe then I'm perfectly happy. But this guy is really suspicious and has already been denied access to a child. This is the root of my concern.

@Summerfun54321 that's a really useful tool. I'll show that to DP, thank you.

I think my next step is to have a chat with NSPCC and see what they would advise DP to do. Thank you all for your words of support (and constructive criticism!).

It sounds a bit strange but I think the questions of inappropriate behaviour should be aimed at the mother here rather than speculation about the step dad. Specifically around inviting a man into bed with her daughter.

Calling him baby doesn't make sense? Again surely the mum fully knows this. Is there a culture of not calling adults by their first names? Does the mum call her partner baby so she's picked up on that? My DD speaks to all her friends parents by their first names so it would be strange to us not to say "this is John".

Nakedness is a strange one, if the girl is 6 then he's been a step dad for 2 years, why wouldn't he see a 6 year old child naked if he's doing all regular dad duties. Again I assume OP has seen DSD naked regularly since the age of 1, is that more appropriate, would she not have if the child was a boy?

Your DP should be looking at the mums behaviour and deciding if he thinks that's appropriate for his child.

When I say nakedness is a strange one, I mean the attitude to it on MN. So many aspects of parenting an infant involve helping then clean or dress, the idea that a step parent should never be present for this is strange.

Having also been sexually abused (by a stranger) as a child myself - I would have to say please tread carefully in the sense that you could be projecting unnecessary fears onto her. You said you don't show it kids are very perceptive and absorb the feelings of other's. Your sentence "I encourage her to know who to turn to if someone touches her, (parents, teachers, me)."....did you really talk to her about this? How was this delivered? Australia very young children are taught the correct names for their genitalia so there is not any confusion and asked to identify people they could talk to if they ever feel uncomfortable with the way someone is treating them. But I think its a very careful conversation as you a) can't put ideas in her head and b) if its not done right I know of children whose parents have frightened them so much they won't let doctors examine them.
My over fear about my own past being repeated with my daughter has unfort put a fear in her about males - there was nothing I did or said we just think she picked up on my wariness.
The image you project about a man moving quickly with a single mother has actually been something both my b'n'laws have done - both have built lasting families in this scenario. One of my b'n'laws absolutely adores his step son who he has known since he was six months old. He was the one that did the baths, he has been the one to take this child to school, on bike rides, he received football coach training so he could coach this kids team - his world revolves around this kid and his mum. Nothing on toward my b'n'law has always been great with kids - doesn't make him a peodofile - and I think that's where you have to be careful. You can't assume just because this couple didn't handle things the way you handled things that that means something is a miss.
but you sound like a great step mum for caring.

YANU to have an interest in your stepchilds welfare however you've not really mentioned any redfags. The way you were introduced into her life was ultra cautious. Her mum has done the opposite but that boat has long set sail.
Your stepdaughter isn't showing any signs of distress or behaving out of character is she? I'd be careful about how you use the word family. Her step dad is as much (more so?) her family as you. So yes, its OK at this age to be naked around family.
Ultimately its your partner who should be taking the lead if he has any concerns but in the face if it there's no need to be alarmed, they've just done things a bit differently to how you have. This will continue to be the case.

It just doesn't sound appropriate, the whole naked thing, bed sharing and calling him baby gives me the creeps.
You are right to be concerned, I think you need to take the word we out of it when speaking to your dh's ex. It's fine for you to voice concern to him, but he can't go to her saying "we are worried" it has to be "I am worried".
Your past is making you see things perhaps that others will overlook, but you sounds rational and I don't think you are over reacting.
You dh needs to keep an open dialogue with his dd about the underwear rule etc, and make it very clear that you are both always available to listen.
A couple of pps have said that you are as much family as he is, which is true, but a little gas lighty we all know which sex is most likely to abuse children.
I don't really know what else your dp can do without causing huge family upset. Any concerns raised to teachers etc are going to pull in ss involvement.