AIBU to ask for your help with my fitness nervousness?

[Chubbernut]

I haven't used the term "anxiety" in my title because I haven't been diagnosed with anxiety and how I feel is very specific to fitness/exercise/food/weight so I don't think it reaches a threshold for what people who do have anxiety have to deal with.

Essentially, my family have always had an issue with my weight. I'm the youngest of four - two girls, two boys. Eldest brother and sister have a different dad but we don't view each other as half-siblings it's just potentially relevant from a biological standpoint - my full brother and I are stockier than my eldest brother and sister. My eldest brother and sister are very slim and slender and athletic - my brother is a physio and personal trainer and my sister was a yoga instructor but is now a SAHM. My mum is overweight but not obese - for my whole life, she's always been wanting to "lose two stone".

Growing up, I was never overweight - but I always felt very overweight. My sister is ten years older than I am and she would always try to make me go running or do work-out videos. I was never allowed seconds of anything but my brother was, I was frequently given salad when everyone else was having carbs. A few years ago, I had to get my full medical record printed out for getting medical insurance when I lived abroad and, every time my weight was taken by a doctor (about a dozen or so times across my childhood), I was never overweight.

When I was 17, I got very very sick and lost a lot of weight. At my lowest, I was at 36kg and hospitalised, I was really unwell. With medication and after an operation to resolve the illness, I went up to 52kg. At that point, my DM sat me down and said she was worried about my weight and that she'd bought me a gym membership and that her and my brother (a personal trainer) had put together a workout/diet plan for me. I absolutely loathed going to the gym - it hurt and I felt like I couldn't breathe (which wasn't helped because I have asthma and wasn't diagnosed until after I left home). I got down to about 47kg before I left for university.

In the five years after leaving home, I gained about 10kg. There were constant comments about my weight. I received diet cookbooks for Christmas, I got bought clothes either in a size 6 to try and fit into or in a size 16 that were way too big. I'm about a size 10. I would go to the gym at night when no one else was there so no one would see me. I was actually pretty fit - I ran the London Marathon and I climbed Kilimanjaro.

After I left university, I stopped going to the gym and went up to about 63kg. Then I got pregnant and had awful HG, doctors were doing everything they could to get as many calories into me as possible. By the time I was induced with DS, I was 65kg and my family had made so many comments about how great it was that I was going to be thinner. Unfortunately, DS popped out and I lost barely anything so was about 58kg a few weeks after giving birth which crept back up to just over 60kg within a few months.

At that point, we went to stay with my parents for Christmas, along with my siblings. My DH went into the kitchen one morning when I was in bed feeding DS and my brother and sister were there. They (in his words) "ambushed" him and were asking him what we were doing about my weight. He shut the conversation down but it plays in my mind a lot that three months after giving birth, my siblings were still judging my weight and so assured in their judgement that they felt comfortable trying to bring my DH onto their side.

Since then, I've had another HG pregnancy, with the same result of no lasting weight loss. I got very unwell with a virus that meant I was bed-bound and completely unable to walk or anything, I spent two weeks in hospital. I lost weight then but it was largely muscle mass and so have more than regained. My fitness is awful - I cannot run at all. My VO2 Max is below 30, my heart rate variability is 30. My heart rate can hit 160 just walking - and I'm now 64kg. I'm really scared about my fitness. My brother is getting married and my sister is a bridesmaid but I'm not. STBSIL (who is lovely) messaged me to say that she hopes she's done the right thing not asking me to be a bridesmaid because my brother has told her that I'd feel "conspicuous" being compared to my sister because of my weight. Every time I speak to my brother or my sister, they ask if I've exercised that day - I always lie and tell them I have, I never actually have.

Anyway, all of this has actually made the problem worse. I feel judged absolutely everywhere that I go and feel like everyone is constantly thinking/talking about my weight. I've watched just about every weight loss TV show possible (Extreme Weight loss, Biggest Loser, Secret Eaters, etc) and there are people on there who are 2-3x my weight but I feel as though I look just like them. I am absolutely terrified of going to the gym. Terrified. DH knows I want to improve my fitness because it's scarily bad so he bought me a gym membership and personal training sessions. But I'm terrified to go. I couldn't find a gym towel so I didn't go - DH said I could buy one at reception but I just couldn't. I feel as though that means they'd know I haven't been before and I haven't just come from another gym or I'd have a towel - so they'll know I'm new and don't know what I'm doing and I'll be one of those January-gymmers who fill up the machines and then stop bothering to come. Yesterday, I went to the gym - but not really, I went and I looked around to see where the changing rooms were and what the showers were like etc because I didn't want to get lost or look like I didn't know where I was going. I feel like I'm being expected to get on stage and play an instrument that I've never played before. I've spent days crying over this and I feel ridiculous, I know I should just go, but I can't face it.

I'd love to just exercise outside somewhere that no one can see me (like a cave) but it's either cold air or hay fever allergens which mean that, with my asthma, I simply cannot breathe if I exercise outside at any time of year. During Covid, DH moved gym equipment into the house and I actually lost a decent amount of weight but we've moved since and had DD so we don't have space to do that now - and, even if we could do that, I want to overcome my fear of going to the gym, not just exercise somewhere else.

I know that fear of the gym is very normal. Has anyone overcome it? If so, how?

You need to tell your mother, brother and sister to fuck off. That's the only thing you really need to do. You have been an emotional hostage to these people for far too long. Tell them they no longer have a say in regards to your body or your health, and if they can't manage to keep their mouths shut, you will no longer be able to have a meaningful relationship with them.

I’m so sorry about your horrible family. Your DH might have spent his money more wisely on some therapy sessions for you before progressing to the gym.

As it is I completely understand how daunting it will be and suggest you go a few more times to just wander around and get the feel of the place. Have a coffee, read your book. Then progress to a personal trainer session with someone very very carefully chosen.

good luck.

Your post made me terribly sad. If I were you I’d say the answer is seeing your toxic family less often, not weighing yourself and having some counselling, not for gym anxiety but for overcoming abusive relationships.

I weigh 72kg right now, my brother would never mention it, mostly because he doesn’t care at all what I look like. My mother might mention it but only if she thinks I’m not happy, not because it bothers her. My in laws are another matter, my solution is to spend as little time with them as possible.

I’ve always found the phrase “you’d be surprised how rarely other people think of you at all’ helpful when worrying about strangers judging you. They’re mostly worrying about themselves.

Your family sound bloody awful and I agree with a PP - tell them to piss right off and leave you alone! If you want to lose weight or do some exercise then do it, but don't do it just because they think you should! (by the sounds of it you're a totally normal weight anyway and don't need to lose any). God knows why they're so obsessed with your weight, I can't imagine speaking to any of my family and friends like that about such a personal topic. I'm mad with them on your behalf!!

The problem here isn’t your fear of the gym, OP. Your family are strangely obsessed with your weight/physical appearance. What they are doing is abusive. They have crushed your self esteem. Replace fitness with, as an example, learning a language. Your older siblings have a natural athleticism so let’s use this example to say they were born in France and got a head start in learning the language. Now let’s say that, despite trying your hardest and putting in lots of work, you’ve never become fluent in French. For the rest of your life, your family comment on how terrible you are at French, they buy you books for Christmas in that language knowing you can’t understand them, everytime they call they ask you if you’ve spoken any French today, at every family gathering the conversation turns to how bad you are at speaking French. You’d be able to say very clearly that this was relentless and it needed to stop. The problem with the weight/fitness is that it is a very emotive. It is not as straight forward, but you can make it that straight forward.
Next time a comment is made, say you’ve never understood why they’ve always cared so much about your weight and from now on you won’t entertain any conversation about it. Leave it at that. Don’t let them try to explain it as being concerned for you and your health. Stop the conversation there. If it gets brought up or discussed again, I would genuinely consider stopping your relationship with them.

Now to your comments about your weight and fitness. Do you care? Or do you care because your family do? I’m not the fittest person, I can’t run marathons, but I’m fit enough to chase after my children in the park and do long dog walks. I eat relatively healthily. I’ve no interest in concentrating any more on my fitness. If you genuinely want to get fitter for you, many people don’t like the gym, for a variety of reasons, and there are other ways to get fitter.

Op

You need to send all your family a Whats Ap outlining some of what you've said here but along the lines of you can't bear the every interaction you have with them being about your weight and you're sorry that there embarrassed by you but you don't want them to mention your weight in any capacity EVER again.

I don't think gyms are healthy places. I used to be very fit but through team sport when competitiveness made me forget I was exercising. I have had a bad back for 20 years now and only exercise o can really do is swimming or walking with brief flurries of tennis and badminton.

I have had gym membership and used it but it is so boring.

A while back I was dragging myself swimming and while I always felt a million times better afterwards I dreaded going. It was making me miserable overall so then I had a word with myself and told myself that I was doing it for my mental health and if I wasn't feeling it I could leave the pool any time. I took the pressure off myself and it seems to have worked. I don't dread it.

My advice is do an exercise you are likely to enjoy e.g. roller skating or dancing and avoid the gym.

But agree with everything said your real problem is your family. I think you need to tell them they are crossing boundaries and they are psychologically damaging you or more simply tell them to fuck off.

Your family sound bloody horrendous. Fucking hell. So you’re a size 10 and your weight normalises in the 60-64kg range? Edging 10st at your heaviest? They can fuck off, can’t they?

Your post is all weight, weight, weight, but really you want to exercise for health, health, health.

You’ve run a marathon and climbed Kilimanjaro, woman. You can go to the gym without a towel. You really can.

Your body has done brilliant things for you, and now it needs a bit of help getting back to peak fitness. You can do this.

Ditch the scales. And tell your family you WILL NOT EVER discuss weight or fitness with them.

Op did you post something a year or so ago? I remember a post about family obsessed with the posters weight and everyone told her to go no contact and get therapy which would be my recommendation again.

The gym is the least of your worries. If your family honestly thought you were healthier when you were 5 stone in hospital compared to now at just over 10stone having given birth twice (which unless you are very short is still a perfectly healthy weight for an adult woman) they are both deluded and abusive.

Can you arrange a chat with the personal trainer on the phone, explain your severe worries about the gym and overthinking, and ask them to ease you in very gently and meet you at reception. A good PT will do this.

Alternatively, my PT has their own home gym/studio and so we don't do our sessions in a public gym and I can also do my own sessions in her gym on my own by booking it out. This might suit you. She's not just a PT she's also one of my biggest cheerleaders and a real motivation coach. More like a friend these days a real voice of calm, pragmatism and very reassuring. You may need to try one or two out with a free session to find the one that works best for you.

There are also many home exercise options these days. Les mills, peloton and a lot of great and free youtube content.

I'd probably also look at some therapy. There are some very unhealthy comparisons going on between people with different genetics and also your family have no boundaries and are inappropriately obsessed with your weight which sounds pretty average. You need to get happy with you and to a place where all their comments roll off. Talking to a professional may help with this. They might be skinny but they aren't actually very nice people are they? I know who I would rather be friends with.

Like many before I think your issue is that your family are extremely toxic.
Your weights and your dress size are what a lot of people might envy.
I think you don't have a fitness issue but a family issue instead. I would definitely recommend speaking to someone.
If you do want to get fitter and hate the gym then go running (you're obviously talented as you've previously run the marathon).

OP this is horrendous. The issue is definitely not your weight, it is completely your family.

It is NOT normal for families to police other people’s diet, exercise and fitness. At all. It’s a form of bullying and controlling behaviour.

I think you need to put your own thoughts about your weight to one side and have a real think about this behaviour, and put in place some firm boundaries.

Your family are nuts

I was horrified reading your post OP. Horrified at your family! They are toxic. What they have done to you all your life is abuse. Seriously. They have screwed you up so badly because they are clearly screwed up themselves. I'm particularly horrified that your DB and DSis are/were fitness professionals. They're a disgrace to the industry. You can't change them but you can change how you react to them and how you view them.

Your weight and fitness right now sounds just fine although sounds like you have been scarily underweight in the past. (Note: I'm a qualified gym instructor and former international rower so please don't just dismiss what I've written because it doesn't fit with the narrative your family have forced on you).

As others have said, I think you would be better off investing in some therapy rather than spending money/time in gyms etc. Your problem is your family not your weight/fitness. Get some emotional support and therapy first. Talk to a professional so they can help you work through this.

If you use Instagram, I'd also suggest following a wonderful woman called Laura Biceps. She's a fitness professional and is often featured in the press etc. Her focus is on health not weight! When she was younger she felt under pressure to be skinny but these days she's a leading influencer about weight not being important. What matters is women being happy and healthy and strong! I'm paraphrasing her very badly so apologies. Please look her up. I know her personally as she's a Director at my gym and she coaches me regularly. She is the most wonderful positive person and I think you really need to hear a voice like hers to balance out the negative shit your family tell you.

As an aside, I hope your DH is supportive. It worries me rather that he also seems to have bought into your family's weight and fitness obsession. He needs to be supporting you in telling them to fuck off!

And I would reply to the bride to sat that no, your weight is fine it is just that dbro and dsis are obsessed about your weight and have bullied you all your life over it, but you know your weight and size are totally fine and have no issue with it.

I suspect they have a weird foxus on you due to their dad (who is your dad also obvs) marrying your mum and you coming along - they seem to have fixated on that to bully you with - they may not realise that they are doing it in which case you need to set boundaries if you are to still have a relationship- or they are malicious in which case sack them off.

As for exercise try aqua and pilates imo

Thank you everyone - I know this aspect is somewhat toxic. When I was younger, I definitely believed I was very overweight and that they had my health in their mind. As I became more aware of health/fitness/BMI/height to waist ratio/etc, I realised I'm not very overweight and my ratios are healthy. Until the virus, I was actually much fitter than I gave myself credit for. My brother and sister have both run marathons so I didn't view that as abnormal, I definitely thought overweight people were far more unusual than marathon runners, even though I obviously lived in society with everyone else so I'm not sure how I came to that mindset.

It's difficult to actually call it out when it happens because (other than the one conversation with my mum when I was 17), it's not explicitly said to me directly. It's either said to other people and then passed onto me (like DH or STBSIL) or it's said in a positive way where I don't feel as though I'm justified in being offended or raising it as an issue (like giving me a gift or saying it's good that I'll be thinner) or it's not explicitly about my weight (like asking whether I've worked out that day - like they'd ask someone how was work that day or any other non-loaded question). I feel like nothing concrete is ever said/done to me where I wouldn't look irrational and oversensitive to say "that's an unacceptable thing to say/do" but, when all these things are put together, it's clear that I'm not good enough for them. It's especially difficult because my other brother is slightly overweight but no one has ever had any issue with his weight at all.

Whilst I like the idea of doing something I'd enjoy, I tend to enjoy things that I'm good at and there aren't any fitness things I'm good at. Whilst dancing or roller skating etc sound like fun activities, I also recognise that they require a level of skill that I don't have. The same applies for team activities but also with the added pressure of other people relying on my ability to do well. I think that this would actually make me a lot more nervous because I'd be both unfit and unskilled (and potentially upsetting other people too).

My main concern isn't my weight itself. My BMI is fine and my waist to height ratio is also fine. I'm very, very concerned about my fitness since the virus. I'm genuinely concerned that I won't live long because my fitness is so poor. My cardio fitness levels are worse than they should be someone in their 80s and I really need to exercise to rebuild that. I am also upset that I don't look good. I don't look like I'm a healthy weight - I'm wobbly everywhere. I have very fat arms. I have massive breasts which make the rest of me look huge. I'd like to look good, especially because DH is objectively very good looking and we have beautiful children so I'm definitely the odd one out and don't look like I fit with my family (DH and DCs), which is hard after not looking like I fit in with my other family (siblings). It's shallow but I'd like to be able to have a family photo or have DH take pictures of me with the DCs where I look good. I didn't have any wedding photos because of my weight and really regret that now - but I'm so scared of exercising and being judged that I feel like I can't do anything about it.

It all just sounds so pathetic and ridiculous to any rational person - it just sounds so disproportionate but I'm so scared. Logically, nothing will happen if someone is judging me but I just can't stand the thought of it. I feel physically sick and just cry. I sat outside the gym yesterday for almost an hour trying to stop crying so I could go inside.

Your family sound like poisonous little reptiles tbh sorry.

You clearly have issues around all of these because of them.

I don't know how tall you are but that will play in to whether your weight is considered healthy etc but as you stated a size 10 at one point I highly doubt you have been anything but a healthy weight at any point.

What do you want to do? Do you want to change anything? I think the most positive thing you could do is work on being happy with you regardless if others opinions.

As someone who's almost been hospitalised due to being under weight(I should have been just managed to make sure no one weighed me).

At home workouts might be best to start with if you want to work out. Do you have a partner? Can you get them to check in on your goals to keep them realistic and attainable?

Just to say, DH is amazing. He says he'd love me if I were huge or tiny - he says he simply doesn't care. I don't think it's true but it's what he says and he's never, ever deviated from that. He bought the gym membership and personal training sessions after we discussed it and it's what I said I wanted for Christmas - he had no idea I'd be so nervous (and nor did I until it came to actually going). When I got upset about not having a gym towel, he didn't judge me at all, he bought gym towels and bought be a decent water bottle. He's honestly been so understanding of something that's clearly irrational. I don't think he quite understands though - he's good looking, he's very athletic and, even when he doesn't exercise, he bounces straight back. I don't think he recognises the difference between how people would look at him in the gym and how they'd look at me.

Your family have done a right number on you. Forget the gym! The vast majority of fit people have never set foot in one, they are not compulsory.

Personally, I love to exercise outside, but I understand that may not work for your asthma and allergens. However, a brisk hilly walk should still be considered as good for your body and mind. Going to the gym just builds gym fitness, walking in beautiful countryside is lovely and builds functional fitness. And is good for the whole family.

My other suggestion is trusty You Tube - there will be a You Tuber who chimes with you. I enjoy Nourish Move Love as she focuses on functional strength training and building mental stamina, not what you look like. She currently has a programme of 20 minute daily work outs you can do with or without weights. As Lindsey says - you can do anything for 20 minutes. But play around, different things motivate different people. But forget the bloody gym - waste of emotional energy and money.

100% this

And tell them when they arrive to fuck off a bit further
I'm fuming on your behalf
How bloody dare they 🤬🤬🤬

You say that 'we don't view each other as half-siblings" but your DB and DS have spent your whole life trying to make you feel different! I was horrified reading that too - they're the problem here, not you.

Would it help to go to the gym for a class that doesn't feel prescriptively 'exercise'? I love dance cardio classes because it never feels like exercise, it feels like dancing, moving to music, feeling positive about my body instead of counting reps or weights. Or swimming? Just go and be in the pool for a bit, moving in the water. Or skip the gym and start walking? Take the gym out of the equation and focus on your body, your feeling of strength, the mental lift you get from being outside, your heart beating, your muscles working. Exercise doesn't have to be competitive to be beneficial.

I'm so sorry, I've just seen you mention that you can't exercise outside because of asthma - I was too furious with your siblings to spot that. Apologies!

OP your update just demonstrates how fixated you are on how you look. Whilst we all want to look 'nice' / our best, something is very wrong when it upsets you this much. Not having photos of your wedding and sitting in your car outside the gym crying are huge red flags that you need help. Please please get some therapy. Life doesn't have to be like this.

Do you not have any hobbies or even any exercise just for fun?? (I'm loath to say exercise because you have such an unhealthy relationship with it that it might be better if you avoided it until you get some therapy). You know what fun is right?? You don't have to be good at it, you do it because you enjoy it! You might be really bad at it but you still have a laugh.

You need to stop obsessing about your fitness too. Your cardio fitness levels are not worse than someone in their 80s (you've written your VO2 max and heart rate when exercising). Far from it. Sure they're not as good as they used to be but shit happens. You've been ill. Life changes. Please stop catastrophising and beating yourself up.

I've had long Covid for the past 14 months. Tests have confirmed that its damaged by autonomic nervous system and badly affected my recovery as well as my breathing, my heart rate etc. I already had asthma pre-Covid. Pre-Covid I was 20kg lighter and incredibly fit, and could hold my own with fit men and women half my age. I looked fabulous (although didn't appreciate it at the time). Now I feel like a 90 year old frump who should be taken out and shot. I loathe how I look and feel. I get where you're coming from (although luckily for me I don't have the toxic family - but I have had lots of therapy to help me deal with other issues). It's a learning experience for me. Now I have to work around so many health issues and I can't exercise like I used to. I'm having to build new habits, exercise differently and be patient (never one of my virtues). This is the post Covid me. It sucks but I have to accept it and work with what I have. The old me is gone. I am a building a new me.

You poor thing! This post made my heart hurt. Your family have given you an awful complex about your body. Please ignore their horrible comments. Normal people couldn't give a damn what you look like exercising and it's really cruel and abusive to treat you this way.