AIBU to ask for your help with my fitness nervousness?

[Chubbernut]

I haven't used the term "anxiety" in my title because I haven't been diagnosed with anxiety and how I feel is very specific to fitness/exercise/food/weight so I don't think it reaches a threshold for what people who do have anxiety have to deal with.

Essentially, my family have always had an issue with my weight. I'm the youngest of four - two girls, two boys. Eldest brother and sister have a different dad but we don't view each other as half-siblings it's just potentially relevant from a biological standpoint - my full brother and I are stockier than my eldest brother and sister. My eldest brother and sister are very slim and slender and athletic - my brother is a physio and personal trainer and my sister was a yoga instructor but is now a SAHM. My mum is overweight but not obese - for my whole life, she's always been wanting to "lose two stone".

Growing up, I was never overweight - but I always felt very overweight. My sister is ten years older than I am and she would always try to make me go running or do work-out videos. I was never allowed seconds of anything but my brother was, I was frequently given salad when everyone else was having carbs. A few years ago, I had to get my full medical record printed out for getting medical insurance when I lived abroad and, every time my weight was taken by a doctor (about a dozen or so times across my childhood), I was never overweight.

When I was 17, I got very very sick and lost a lot of weight. At my lowest, I was at 36kg and hospitalised, I was really unwell. With medication and after an operation to resolve the illness, I went up to 52kg. At that point, my DM sat me down and said she was worried about my weight and that she'd bought me a gym membership and that her and my brother (a personal trainer) had put together a workout/diet plan for me. I absolutely loathed going to the gym - it hurt and I felt like I couldn't breathe (which wasn't helped because I have asthma and wasn't diagnosed until after I left home). I got down to about 47kg before I left for university.

In the five years after leaving home, I gained about 10kg. There were constant comments about my weight. I received diet cookbooks for Christmas, I got bought clothes either in a size 6 to try and fit into or in a size 16 that were way too big. I'm about a size 10. I would go to the gym at night when no one else was there so no one would see me. I was actually pretty fit - I ran the London Marathon and I climbed Kilimanjaro.

After I left university, I stopped going to the gym and went up to about 63kg. Then I got pregnant and had awful HG, doctors were doing everything they could to get as many calories into me as possible. By the time I was induced with DS, I was 65kg and my family had made so many comments about how great it was that I was going to be thinner. Unfortunately, DS popped out and I lost barely anything so was about 58kg a few weeks after giving birth which crept back up to just over 60kg within a few months.

At that point, we went to stay with my parents for Christmas, along with my siblings. My DH went into the kitchen one morning when I was in bed feeding DS and my brother and sister were there. They (in his words) "ambushed" him and were asking him what we were doing about my weight. He shut the conversation down but it plays in my mind a lot that three months after giving birth, my siblings were still judging my weight and so assured in their judgement that they felt comfortable trying to bring my DH onto their side.

Since then, I've had another HG pregnancy, with the same result of no lasting weight loss. I got very unwell with a virus that meant I was bed-bound and completely unable to walk or anything, I spent two weeks in hospital. I lost weight then but it was largely muscle mass and so have more than regained. My fitness is awful - I cannot run at all. My VO2 Max is below 30, my heart rate variability is 30. My heart rate can hit 160 just walking - and I'm now 64kg. I'm really scared about my fitness. My brother is getting married and my sister is a bridesmaid but I'm not. STBSIL (who is lovely) messaged me to say that she hopes she's done the right thing not asking me to be a bridesmaid because my brother has told her that I'd feel "conspicuous" being compared to my sister because of my weight. Every time I speak to my brother or my sister, they ask if I've exercised that day - I always lie and tell them I have, I never actually have.

Anyway, all of this has actually made the problem worse. I feel judged absolutely everywhere that I go and feel like everyone is constantly thinking/talking about my weight. I've watched just about every weight loss TV show possible (Extreme Weight loss, Biggest Loser, Secret Eaters, etc) and there are people on there who are 2-3x my weight but I feel as though I look just like them. I am absolutely terrified of going to the gym. Terrified. DH knows I want to improve my fitness because it's scarily bad so he bought me a gym membership and personal training sessions. But I'm terrified to go. I couldn't find a gym towel so I didn't go - DH said I could buy one at reception but I just couldn't. I feel as though that means they'd know I haven't been before and I haven't just come from another gym or I'd have a towel - so they'll know I'm new and don't know what I'm doing and I'll be one of those January-gymmers who fill up the machines and then stop bothering to come. Yesterday, I went to the gym - but not really, I went and I looked around to see where the changing rooms were and what the showers were like etc because I didn't want to get lost or look like I didn't know where I was going. I feel like I'm being expected to get on stage and play an instrument that I've never played before. I've spent days crying over this and I feel ridiculous, I know I should just go, but I can't face it.

I'd love to just exercise outside somewhere that no one can see me (like a cave) but it's either cold air or hay fever allergens which mean that, with my asthma, I simply cannot breathe if I exercise outside at any time of year. During Covid, DH moved gym equipment into the house and I actually lost a decent amount of weight but we've moved since and had DD so we don't have space to do that now - and, even if we could do that, I want to overcome my fear of going to the gym, not just exercise somewhere else.

I know that fear of the gym is very normal. Has anyone overcome it? If so, how?

Fucking hell OP your family sound awful. Forget the gym, go walking or something gently physical that you actually enjoy.

And start seeing a therapist - your mental health needs as much love as your physical health.

Right, first up counselling.

Secondly, it’s OK to want to look good. That’s a perfectly valid aim that a PT will be happy to support you in achieving. It’s not shallow. Tell the PT you want to firm up your arms (and anywhere else you’re focused on) and improve your overall fitness levels.

Give the PT a call. Be honest - say you’re really committed to improving your health and fitness but you’ve developed a real but irrational fear of actually getting into the gym and please could they support and encourage you into the first step.

There’s a PT near me (a woman) who’s first session is literally taking a new client for a coffee, so that first meeting is holistically about getting to know them as a person not a number or statistic about heart rate or whatever.

That’s what you need.

I’m sorry OP but your family are so so horrible, so wrapped up in their perfection they treat you incredibly badly.
Your weight seems absolutely fine but you have lost fitness.
You worry you will be judged at the gym because your toxic family judge you.
It is extremely unlikely gym members will judge you, they are concentrating on their own thing.
My comments probably don’t reassure you.
My advice is to try and improve your fitness at home/in your garden.
If you have a FitBit, the app has short exercise sessions which require no equipment although if you have dumbbells there is more variety.
There are free exercise sessions on YouTube- BodyFit by Amy has loads, standing/ body weight etc.
Les Mills are offering Base free for 30 days then £5 a month. It’s limited but again some with no equipment and I quite like the dance based ones.
From the above sessions you can choose 7 to 60 minutes of exercise so you can build.
Speak to the gym about pausing your membership until you feel more ready.
Slightly different approach is to try online hypnotherapy, I’d suggest one around being comfortable with yourself or, more expensive, but pay for an individualised session. If this resonates, DM me for more info.
Fuck your family, you deserve better.

Your family are disgusting.
They've made you like this.
Can you walk outside? Good for fitness and mental health.
Maybe get a Fitbit and have a contest against yourself ?

To the comments about walking, I walk a lot but it doesn’t make me any thinner or improve my fitness. I live in a national park so lots of hills just doing the nursery run etc. I probably walk about 10-15km each day doing nursery and walking the dogs. I didn’t put my Apple Watch on yesterday until about 11am so it didn’t log the nursery drop off. I don’t really view walking as “exercise” because I’m just doing to get from A to B.

Your family are deeply damaging. You need to put up boundaries where health/ exercise/ weight etc are forbidden topics and shut down immediately. Therapy may help with the dysphoria that they've developed in you, and with managing your relationships.

Go to the GP and get your asthma under control. You should be able to exercise outdoors. DS had a difficult summer after the heatwave and couldn't cope with any change of air quality, but changes of inhalers and oral medication has got him safely running around outside again.

Be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness and to build yourself up gently.

That looks like a garmin screen shot ! My new watch has been great as it has ‘suggested workouts’ every day which are slowly building my fitness based on my results and how my heart rate reacts rather than a general plan. I started off on boxing day with an 18 mm 20 minute walk. As for the gym, why not see if your DH can get a day pass and come along when you do the induction with the PT .. that means you have support through that first step and maybe you can both spend a bit of time in the gym afterwards making sure you’re familiar with equipment, just to make sure there are no panics when you have to go back for the first time. You could even record a video on your phone of how to set programs and reduce the fear of the unfamiliar.

How are your family members treating your children?

@HundredMilesAnHour
"Now I feel like a 90 year old frump who should be taken out and shot."
I understand you are using this comparison to beat yourself up.
I'm old and unfit, from a family a bit like the OP's. I feel quite damaged by your words, though I know they aren't aimed at me. You're not doing yourself any favours either b

I walk a lot but it doesn’t make me any thinner
But is it about losing weight or is it about fitness?

Based on the actual facts of your body measurements etc you need to lose weight or is it that your dysfunctional (and damaging) family making you feel that way?

Poor you op, your family sound hideous!

I would put boundaries in place immediately or this will affect your dc.

Boundaries are much easier to establish if you think of them not so much about other people, but about what you decide you will and will not tolerate. You don’t have to accept this from them.

I would make an announcement when you are gathered together and make it clear that you are no longer prepared to accept any talk from them about diets, exercise or weight loss - as an adult you more than capable of deciding on your own what sort of focus and importance you are prepared to attach to those things in your life - and if they are unable to engage with you on that basis then too bad!

Update:

Hi everyone,

I really appreciate everyone’s comments, advice and support. I looked into therapy but the only person in walking distance (we only have one car and DH’s uses it to commute) was £350 for an initial consultation! So that seems mad to me. I have been looking into books, podcasts, websites, apps etc for guidance though.

I went to the gym today. I actually exercised there too - in front of other people. I definitely panicked when I walked in and didn’t want to look lost/confused so just got on the nearest machine. Big mistake, it was an exercise bike/cross trainer and damn near killed me. Then I went on the rowing machine, which was pretty chilled and I could watch TV and the woman on the machine next to me chatted to me about her scans and about the news so that was great. Then I went on the stair case machine (that’s definitely not its real name). All-in-all, it went well. I figured out how to use the lockers and the showers, I found out where to fill my water bottle, I learnt where the entrance and exit are - and all the other small things that were making me unreasonably terrified.

So, just in case anyone feels how I feel about going to the gym. Please trust me that it’s not as scary as it seems…until tomorrow haha.

When I read your OP I had to do the calculation because I thought I had it wrong!

Your family are the problem, not you.

You may see walking from A to B as not being actual exercise but it is! There are millions out there who go to the corner shop in the car.

Well done on the update.
And just a tip.... There are loads who don't know what every machine does! I'm a regular gym goer and there's loads I don't know

Well done OP, you’ve made a great start and I’m sure you will grow to love the gym.

I don't particularly like public gyms either and built my own at home for that reason. I have some expensive kit, but exercise bike / treadmill / rowing machine isn't costly 2nd hand, kettle bells, step aerobics etc... cheap and easy at home.

My suggestion is to try an approach that sidesteps all the negative stuff instilled by the controlling/shaming behaviour of your family.

1. Weight yourself then put the scales away for the next 6 months
2. Commit to improving the performance and health of your body for the dake of your wellbeing, not how anyone else thinks it looks.
3. Focus on resting heart rate, recovery rate, lung capacity, and tracking your changes in performance measures like speed/distance/time
4. Commit to doing a minimum of 3x20 mins at aerobic intensity every week and find a wat to do it at home - if you feel you want to do more, up to you.
5. Commit to an active lifestyle - get a step counter, set yourself some daily and weekly targets, and record what you actually do to keep yourself honest.
6. Commit to eating well. 3x portions of fresh/frozen low carb vegetables and 2x portions of fresh/dried fruit/nuts a day, wholegrain foods, minimal refined carbs and processed fats. Eat meals, don't snack. Treat food as fuel for your physical targets.
7. If you must measure something to track progress, measure your waist size rather than your weight. It is a better indicator of health risk factors than weight anyway.

Just my 2 cents, good luck

Update:

I feel a bit like it’s all fallen apart. I went to the gym every day this week and was really enjoying it. I’ve even spoken to a few people and it’s been really enjoyable. Today, it’s rubbish. I was speaking to the person on the cross trainer next to me. She’s just married and TTC, very friendly, had a talk about various things, goals and aims for fitness etc. She said she’d started going to the gym to “slim down for the gown” and I asked about her motivation now that she’s married and she said “well, with having a baby, I just don’t want to end up like you, I guess”. It was obviously not intended to sound like that and I absolutely understand what she meant but I just feel so shit now - like I was right all along and people in the gym are judging me the whole time even if they don’t say it. I ended up leaving half-way through my workout and just crying in the changing room. I’d planned to not go tomorrow or Sunday because I have a busy weekend but I have no idea how I’ll face going back on Monday 😔

I’m sorry she said that OP but did she mean struggling to regain lost fitness which you may have mentioned as a thing for you?
Honestly, Monday might be hard but you absolutely can do this. You have proven to yourself that you can go to the gym, use the equipment, chat etc.
Do you use earphones while you work out? If not, could you? Sometimes a podcast is better than music.
Please focus on the fact that you have successfully been to the gym and today was a blip.
Either the comment was thoughtless but not meant to be unkind and you can get over that or it was bitchy (not convinced as she seemed to be nice?) and therefore not worth another thought or piece of your time.
Please don’t let this one comment stop your progress, you’re doing this x

I thought exactly the same as caramac04...that she meant lost fitness or being scared of going back to the gym if she took a break. I honestly don't think she would have been talking about physical appearance which I assume you thought she meant. Keep going...you're doing so well. I so admire you for doing it xx

OP, in your circumstances I'd say that trying exercise with the goal of weight loss is likely to be damaging to your mental health. Your family have projected their anxieties onto you, in a highly abusive way. They've set you up for disordered eating, given they've already left you with a skewed perception of yourself (I don't know how tall you are, but I'm only a little bit lighter than you, same dress size and consider myself pretty athletic not overweight!)

If you're determined to go to the gym, would you consider training for strength rather than calorie burn? It will change your shape and you will look 'fitter' but not necessarily change the number on the scale. Getting stronger can feel very empowering, and it can help adjust our relationship with food because it becomes about eating well to fuel workouts rather than trying to restrict.
Either way, a podcast I'd really recommend anyone starting back at the gym is the mindpump episode 'why women should bulk' (don't worry it won't try and make you into a bodybuilder)

OP, in your circumstances I'd say that trying exercise with the goal of weight loss is likely to be damaging to your mental health.
I agree. No one could have lived with the family comments like you have and come out the other side unscathed.

Prioritise your mental health OP, please.

@Proteinpudding makes good points. I think strength training is empowering in a way that other exercises aren’t.

Hi OP,

I could be wrong. But two things jumped out at me from your update.

If you want to change your relationship with your identity, body, food and exercise long term and make it part of your lifestyle-I'd say immediately jumping from zero into going 5 days a week is setting yourself up for failure/another unhealthy relationship. Some people can go 5 times a week and go because they love it and can maintain that. It just feels a bit all or nothing in your circumstances.

I'm generally a friendly person at the gym but not a chatter and wear headphones even when not listening to anything. My concern because of your specific circumstances is that your chatting comes in the form of seeking reassurance and validation in the reactions of other gym goers. The minute you heard something that triggered you it all falls apart. It really needs to come from within you and you need to break the habit of external
Validation. I'd stop interacting with others and focus on what you are doing and yourself only.

I'm not sure what she meant, it was possibly insensitive but again it sounds like you revealed quite a lot to a stranger for her to have been able to make that comment. Everyone else you encountered was friendly.

Go back Monday, so what if she doesn't want to be like you. You are there doing something about 'it'. Whatever it might be. I wouldn't want to be like her making people cry at the gym either. She will be utterly clueless and actually totally indifferent as to whether she sees you again either way. So why stay away what does that prove and to whom.

I think you should slow down. Going from nothing to every day sounds like too much.

Your toxic upbringing seems to have damaged you all on this (DS and DB have issues too. Just because their bodies look ok doesn't means their heads aren't messed up. They sound obsessive). I have a BIL a bit like your ds and db, but we all just ignore him because we all had a healthy upbringing with respect to exercise and weight and we realise he can't help it. It is how he was brought up by his PE teacher dad. Gyms attract these obsessive types so I'd avoid talking to people there. Random lady you met sounds like another one of them.

Therapy is probably more helpful than gym as others have said.