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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should the school have called me? Upset child

31 replies

SunsetBlue · 12/01/2023 23:50

My DD is 7, year 3. She loves school and is very happy to go every day.

Sadly her grandad died this week so she had a day off school because she felt too sad to go in. She was very upset and cried on and off all day.

Today she happily went to school after I told her the teachers would help her if she felt sad. I emailed her teacher this morning to let him know of the bereavement.

At the end of the school day I collected her and she burst into tears almost immediately. She said she'd felt sad all day as she kept thinking about grandad, and she'd gone to the school office at lunchtime to ask them to call me and pick her up. Apparently the office staff talked to her and said they'd call me. But they didn't.

I'm now feeling really cross with the school for their lack of compassion. I feel really sorry for DD. she was clearly upset and grieving, she thought I was coming to collect her and I didn't.

AIBU to think the school should have at least called me to let me know she was struggling?

OP posts:
Workinghardeveryday · 12/01/2023 23:52

Yes they should. Terrible of the school office really.

sorry about your loss x

Original poster
SunsetBlue · 13/01/2023 00:02

I can't figure out if I'm being overly sensitive or not. It's my own dad that died and I've taken a few days off work to give myself time to grieve.

I can't believe they knew she was struggling but basically told her to get on with it. She's only 7.

OP posts:
AllotmentTime · 13/01/2023 00:10

YANBU and any future days she might need to be off, I would spell out to the school that you’re keeping her off because you can’t trust them to call you if needed.

divisionhour · 13/01/2023 00:13

You’re not over reacting that was crap of the school. Sorry for your loss.

Emelene · 13/01/2023 00:15

Your poor daughter, and you. Be kind to yourself.

Just a thought, are you sure that 1) the teacher got your email and 2) the staff promised to call you? They didn’t say “we’ll talk to mummy later” or similar and she took that as calling you?

I would be upset and speaking to the school though xxx

Original poster
SunsetBlue · 13/01/2023 07:44

Emelene · 13/01/2023 00:15

Your poor daughter, and you. Be kind to yourself.

Just a thought, are you sure that 1) the teacher got your email and 2) the staff promised to call you? They didn’t say “we’ll talk to mummy later” or similar and she took that as calling you?

I would be upset and speaking to the school though xxx

Yes she was quite clear... they said they'd call me and they didn't.

But in any case, a grieving 7 year old SHOULD have her parents called if she's upset during the school day. It's very soon after the bereavement and she's still processing rhe information.

I'm going to speak to the school today.

OP posts:
PicaK · 13/01/2023 07:52

I'm so sorry about your loss.
But you emailed the teacher who probably wouldn't see it until last night. You didn't inform the school office.
There's a good chance she was upset, office staff were very compassionate and reassuring but encouraged her to go back to class/talk to her teacher and said they'd ring if she felt worse.
They wouldn't ring without a teacher telling them to. And they wouldn't know about it to be aware of how recent it was etc. You can see there'd be room for confusion and a need for clarification.
And she's grieving. She's going to hold it together in school and be emotional when she sees you.
Anger is a part of grief. You're probably reacting so strongly because of this. It's really unlikely the office staff lied to a child and were cold and uncaring. Not impossible but unlikely

atteatimeeverybodyagrees · 13/01/2023 07:57

The absolute worst part of it to me is the lie that they'd phone you but they didn't. Poor girl would have been left thinking you knew she was upset. I would be livid and escalate it.

Creepybookworm · 13/01/2023 08:09

Before you blame the office staff, it's unlikely they would have the authority to phone you without checking with the teacher first or with SLT. Maybe they said not to call. The reason they need to check is because schools prefer to keep children in school if possible and as soon as office staff ring parents they tend to want to collect even if the child would be ok to stay.

Hankunamatata · 13/01/2023 08:10

PicaK · 13/01/2023 07:52

I'm so sorry about your loss.
But you emailed the teacher who probably wouldn't see it until last night. You didn't inform the school office.
There's a good chance she was upset, office staff were very compassionate and reassuring but encouraged her to go back to class/talk to her teacher and said they'd ring if she felt worse.
They wouldn't ring without a teacher telling them to. And they wouldn't know about it to be aware of how recent it was etc. You can see there'd be room for confusion and a need for clarification.
And she's grieving. She's going to hold it together in school and be emotional when she sees you.
Anger is a part of grief. You're probably reacting so strongly because of this. It's really unlikely the office staff lied to a child and were cold and uncaring. Not impossible but unlikely

This

Original poster
SunsetBlue · 13/01/2023 08:13

But you emailed the teacher who probably wouldn't it until last night. You didn't inform the school office.

I emailed the teacher at 7am which is what they ask for. So the teacher should have seen it before school starts. My DD also told the teacher she was upset during the lesson and the reason why. The teacher spoke to her and gave her a quiet activity to do during a lesson.

I did tell the office staff of the bereavement so they did know about it. I had asked them to call me during the day if needed.

OP posts:
MrsWhites · 13/01/2023 08:13

This is awful OP, school have dealt with it horribly.

By comparison last year my Nan died and my sons teaching assistant showed great compassion, talking to him about her when he wanted to or just distracting him if he seemed a bit low. He didn’t get upset in class but she kept an eye on his mood for a while afterwards and kept me updated every day.

I’m very sorry for your loss x

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 13/01/2023 08:16

I'd be going to speak to the head that's awful behaviour on their behalf.

Soapboxqueen · 13/01/2023 08:19

The assumption will be that if you've sent her in, you want her to be there. Plenty of parents get angry at even being called about their child because of work or other commitments so schools tend not to be call home happy.

Now, if you sent the email that morning, there's a good chance the class teacher didn't pick it up and even if they did, highly unlikely the SLT or office knew anything about it. So when she turned up saying she was supposed to go home if she was upset, the office may well have said they'd sort it for her thinking it was a prearranged thing only to find out on checking that nobody knew anything about it.

If I were you, I'd broach it in a 'I needed this to happen and it didn't. Who should I have directed my original email/call to so that the relevent people knew about it?'

Hoppinggreen · 13/01/2023 08:22

I am sorry for your loss.
While I think it’s ok for the school to gently encourage your DD to stay at school if they said they would call you to her then they should. She might have been thinking that they called you and you refused to come or something

Isthisexpected · 13/01/2023 08:22

You are right OP. They should have called you to say she's upset and would like to come home. What would you like to do?

only to find out on checking that nobody knew anything about it.

^ they didn't check though that's the whole point of the thread.

Crabo · 13/01/2023 08:25

If the school told the child they were going to call you then they should’ve done else there is a lack of trust building. Otherwise they could’ve just comforted her and helped her get on with life. But if you say you’re going to do something that the child expects you to do it

NeonEyes · 13/01/2023 08:31

They should have called. But my experience is that a lot schools care more about attendance than literally anything else. They can’t be trusted in a lot of cases, they don’t care or are too busy, either way, your child’s well being is more important. Keep her off if in doubt that she’s struggling emotionally or if she’s poorly in future. Talk to them, but don’t expect anything to change.

Sorry for your loss.

Swissmountains · 13/01/2023 08:32

Yes they absolutely should have called you.
I see this a lot though, things brushed off. No one seems to have the time or mental capacity to deal with issues properly any longer.

I would keep her at home or maybe do half days and see how she gets on?
She is only seven, at such a young age it won't matter one jot re her education but dealing with her first close bereavement carefully and sensitively is much more important. I am sorry the school treated her this way, what a terrible shame if she is so trusting of them usually, this will have altered her view of them too I think.
I would ask for them to acknowledge that this was not handled well and they should work on rebuilding trust.

JudgeRudy · 13/01/2023 08:35

I don't really think it's that important why you were supposed to be picking her up, the point is she was expecting you and you didn't come. If this is what happened I'd be furious however it's possible this isn't what was said. Maybe they told your daughter if she was still upset a bit later they would call you then they 'assessed' her level of distress and felt she was managing. Get their story first before deciding on action.

SeasonFinale · 13/01/2023 08:38

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing. They may have comforted her and she may then have been OK and gone back to class and they may have said we can call Mummy later. As someone else said it may have been the relief of seeing you again that let her have her release. They may have taken the view that to keep things as normal as possible may be what is the best way to help her especially if she was OK after being comforted.

Wibbly1008 · 13/01/2023 08:40

Tell them outright this was unacceptable. Grief is very difficult for children and they must process it with the support of their parents, you should have been called the minute dd requested this.

rainbowstardrops · 13/01/2023 08:44

Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

Secondly, the office staff wouldn't be able to make the decision to call you without the say so of your daughter's class teacher.
She might have inwardly felt sad all day and told her teacher this but outwardly, she might have seemed as if she was managing ok and after some reassurance and kind words to her, it was decided that she was fine to stay in school.
Unfortunately, none of us were there, so none of us can be absolutely sure of the conversations that occurred.
Maybe don't send her in if she's still struggling to process what's happened.

Nimbostratus100 · 13/01/2023 08:46

I am sorry for your loss

I do think you are underestimating how many emails a teacher might get before schools starts in the morning

I also think you are underestimating how many children in a school will have recently lost a grandparent. Basically all children will during their school days, and most children more than one

A child crying over a lost grandparent is an almost daily occurrence to me. I always sympathise, and encourage to continue with learning if possible

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 13/01/2023 08:54

Just ask the office? With all due respects, you’re relying on your own assumptions about when a teacher may see an email and what a 7 year old says.