Panicking about having another baby!

[chocolatebuttonlover]

I'm posting here for traffic - but feel like maybe I do also need to get someone to snap some sense into me, since I'm nearly 20 weeks pregnant, so a bit late to change my mind now!

I have one DC who's 18 months now. She's brilliant, sweet, fun and was relatively easy as a baby - hence why I didn't think twice about trying again with a fairly small age gap.

Today however, I just feel totally like life is falling apart with just one DC. Went to take the dog for a walk to find that the buggy has gone mouldy in the boot of the car.., GREAT.

Drive to parents house to borrow their spare buggy, while she's screaming all the way there, finally get walking and she won't sit in the buggy, falls flat on her face into a pile of mud and the Ddog ends up with a short walk because I'm just so overwhelmed and flustered.

The house is a mess, I've fed her crap all day to keep her happy and I can't even imagine what it's going to be like with a newborn thrown into the mix, breastfeeding, sleep schedules and trying to look after TWO KIDS!!!?

DC does go to nursery one day a week, and grandparents have her twice a week - then DH does one day, and I do one day off work a week. I think we'll try and maintain Dcs routine as much as possible but there will be days where I have both kids without any help and financially I'm not sure I can justify nursery costs if I'm off and not earning as much as I am now

Someone knock some sense into me! Will we cope? How am I going to handle the sleep deprivation? I'm terrified all of a sudden

Also my first baby nearly died in childbirth and spent time in NICU, so again , when I’m finding things hard I remind myself of how lucky I am that she’s here and healthy and that makes me feel better too!

Anyways sorry for the detail OP. Two is harrrrd. But you will manage. As much as it’s so much harder to have two than one, I still think the transition from 0-1 is the hardest. You’ve got this! (Also watching them play together is the best thing in the world).

So unnecessary. If we're playing gratitude Olympics you should just be grateful you had 18k to spend. Some would give their right arm for that option.
Not so nice directed at you is it?

It sounds pretty trivial from the perspective of someone who desperately wants a child and can’t have one. And if someone who was homeless posted to offer some perspective on the benefits of having a roof over one’s head, I certainly wouldn’t tell them to shut up, either. Anyways will stop derailing.

It's not about silencing anybody, it's about useful, relevant contributions to a given problem.

Infertility must be unimaginably hideous but although the OP is incredibly lucky to have children, they're entitled to still struggle and I just don't think that the attitude of 'stop complaining, there are people worse off than you' is ever a useful reply to any problem.

"You've got back pain? Think yourself lucky you're not paralysed like me"
"Your mum is a complete narcissist? Think yourself lucky yours isn't dead like mine."

Ultimately for any problem there will always be people in worse situations but we don't go around constantly minimising each other's problems to say that because it's just a bit of a shitty, unhelpful thing to do.

She didn’t say “stop complaining” though!! The only person telling people to stop complaining is you (and other unkind pp) (or rather telling people to go complain elsewhere).
she just offered her experience and perspective. Potentially puts things in perspective, it always does for me x

The thread title was pretty clear.

I suppose I could go over to the running board and seek out a thread on leg cramps and post to say, I'd give my right arm to run and get leg cramps but my asthmatic lungs are attempting to kill me off - but that seems like a pretty sanctimonious thing to do.

But the moment you express any parenting concern on the parenting forum apparently you are fair game. As though motherhood alone means you should stoically get on with everything for fear of upsetting someone else.

@Golaz I clearly wasn't quoting her in that post was I, I'm quite aware she didn't say to stop complaining, I was talking about that as a general attitude. And nor have I told anyone to stop complaining.

You'll be fine OP! I think every mum to be of two, has these feelings. I know I certainly did, especially with a similar age gap, but it was fine. You have to manage, so you just do. I remember thinking, "how did I find this hard with just one?! It must have been soooo easy!" But the reality is, you put your all into whatever you have to at that point in time, and having two is more challenging in some ways, but once they're older, it can become easier as they have a built in playmate, I never had to play all the crappy role play games, dd1 made me play with her, with dd2, as she already had a (much more willing!) buddy there to play with, and I could actually get stuff done. Your dd will change alot in the coming months, and will seem far more adaptable and able to communicate and express their needs by that point which is half the battle between the ages of 1 and 2. My first was a very easy toddler, and I was still anxious about having a second. Second was a difficult baby, and a wild child as a toddler, but we all survived! They're now 8 & 6, best of friends and life is easy. I really miss the days of having a toddler and a preschooler, so as difficult as it can be, try not to wish the time away, even when the house is trashed, you're lacking in sleep, and every day is full on, it really is so lovely in so many other ways. Good luck op!

We’ve not been unkind. The poster has clicked on a thread regarding having another baby and told them to count themselves lucky that can have children.
I see where you’re coming from in regards to having a perspective that reminds you how lucky you are, but she further commented that the thread had made her cry. The OP shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for feeling how she does or for talking about it. The thread title was clear it would be triggering for someone experiencing fertility issues. It’s not fair to put that on the OP when she was seeking reassurance and advice.
Like someone else has said, it’s the same and finding a thread about a difficult relationship with their mother and asking for advice and having someone say at least your mum isn’t dead like mine. It’s not helpful.

Yes sorry I mixed you up with a pp. apologies.

I think people who are being cruel to that pp just don’t understand the excruciating pain of being involuntarily childless. Fair enough, why would they?

Think how different your first child was at 1. 6 months at that age makes so much difference! At around 2 they will be starting to talk and understand etc and play independently a bit more and its then only a few months til potty training.

I'd try and make some savings elsewhere to put your eldest in nursery though,at least for thr first newborn period

@chocolatebuttonlover I had 15 months between my first two so completely understand the impending panic, but you WILL be OK. Today was a bad day, tomorrow will be better...it is far harder to go from no baby to being a first time mum, so you are already experienced and will manage. "Nothing has to be perfect, just good enough" was something my mother used to day to me when I was getting wound up.

Agreed op shouldn’t feel guilty for sharing- she has every right to. I didn’t see the second post tbf.

tbh when I am having an awful time with my mum I genuinely also try to remember she won’t be here forever and try to get some perspective from that! So I guess it’s just a diff way of thinking about things. But I see your point to, and genuinely will stop arguing this point now lol so the more helpful advice can continue xx

Two is lovely. You get to see them together, you realise how far your older one has come, you realise how fleeting the weeks when they are small are, you are used to considering the baby before everything else and that just switches to babies.

You have a lot of support around you, a partner, parents, a nursery, and a job. It all sounds great. Keep doing what you are doing, it will all be fine. I had no parents, no partner, no nursery and no job when I was in your situation, I was fine, the kids were fine, it all worked out fine. Take lots of photos, and eat lots of cake.

On the upside op, this is the grottiest time of the year. By the time your new baby arrives, mould on prams and falling in mud will be a distant memory.

I found breastfeeding my youngest made things easier with my eldest, with almost identical spacing. It means that you can get out and about without worrying about warm bottles and you can sit and read and draw while they little one is feeding. I'd really recommend a sling.

The first year was really hard but lower your expectations. After that they will hopefully be the best of friends and those next few years seeing them together will make it all worthwile. You will cope we always do

I have 13 months between mine and also panicked and wondered how I would do it, I couldn't see logistically how it would work doing things like baths etc. My partner doesn't get home until kids are in bed so it's all on me and my eldest wasn't in nursery so I had both by myself everyday but the weekends. But it's manageable and you find a routine pretty quickly. I also have a dog so know that adds an extra pressure, but also found having the dog really helped with routine as we had to get out for walks.

I can so relate to you, I felt exactly the same. I fell pregnant with number two when first child was 12 months. Please just be kind to yourself - accept that the house will be a mess a lot of the time, laundry will stack up, toddler will have to play on an iPad while you feed new baby and they will sometimes (often) have to eat convenience food you’d prefer they didn’t! Don’t put too much pressure on yourself and things do fall into place eventually. I then went in to have a newborn, and 1 year old and a 3 year old……… so it can’t have been that terrible 🤣 It’s honestly lovely having small age gaps once they get a bit older, my girls are the best of friends.

Mine are 2 years 3 months apart and the first day I had to look after them both by myself I was terrified. Its the same feeling as when you first bring them back from hospital or the first day you're alone with your firstborn.

However, when it came to it, it was fine. We got the bus to soft play in the morning, baby in sling, toddler tired himself. Came home, fed the baby while singing to the toddler in his cot and they both went to sleep at the same time. Then it wasn't long until DH finished work.

In the very early, first trimester days, I basically did everything I'd normally do on a day with the toddler but with baby in a sling or bouncy chair, stopping to feed baby. Health visitors will recommend you have a box of special toys that only come out when you feed baby, which the bigger one gets to play with so doesn't resent baby being fed. I have to say that I normally just let my eldest watch Andy's Dinosaur Adventures on my phone while I feed, but maybe you'll be organised enough to have the special box of toys.

With my PFB I was a bit obsessed with sleep schedules and nap gaps and all of that. My second sleeps in the buggy or carseat a lot of the time. I aim to give him 2 naps a day now he's 9 months but his "schedule" is much less rigid and tbh his nighttime sleep is way better than his brother's was.

Potty training the bigger one in the summer was fairly easy because he didn't want to be in nappies like his baby brother anymore. Weaning the smaller one has been easier because he just wants to copy his big brother, and I'm already in the swing of cooking child-friendly food so he just has a bit of what we have. Again, baby is doing much better on solids than his brother was at the same age.

A playpen is useful to stop them squabbling over toys now the baby is mobile. Often the bigger one wants to go in the playpen with his toys to keep them out of the baby's reach. This "reverse playpen" works really well.

It is hard, and sometimes they are both crying and you have to just decide which one needs you more in that moment. But at Christmas my toddler started feeding the Christmas dinner I'd made to his little brother, saying "Mmmm you'll really like this!" and little moments like that make it very worthwhile indeed.

Op look into a buggy board and also a carrier for front and later putting your 2nd on your back it’s much easier when you’re out and about needing two hands. Getting Naps routined for your eldest are essential to give you a break and keep them in an even mood without lots of tantrums during the day, make sure you keep them establish and going once your 2nd is born don’t give up it your DC tries to refuse them! It’s tough but gets much easier after the first year xx

Introducing a bottle at the start doesn’t necessarily result in breastfeeding issues. Also less chance of the baby being a bottle refuser!

My kids are two years apart. The early years (especially the first year of having two) was very hard. But I am now reaping the benefits. Take one day at a time. Take all the help you can get. Lower your standards. They are only tiny for a short time!

Thank you everyone for reassuring words and helpful responses! I feel like since so many are saying it, we will find ways to muddle through - and I am REALLY lucky to have a great support network around me as well

R.e bottle and breastfeeding - has anyone had much luck combining the two? Dd was exclusively breastfed for over a year as she was adamant that the bottle was the worst thing she could have ever seen, but nursery seemed to fix that and when I got pregnant I weaned her off completely. I'd be interested to try a mixture if it's possible!

OP, I can assure you that you will cope!! More years ago than I care to remember, I had three children, the oldest of whom was only four when I found out I was expecting twins. Five kids and the oldest five and a half when they were born was hard, but we coped! Your kids won’t care less whether or not the house is dusted: what they will remember is time spent reading stories and playing games. So don’t sweat the small stuff - it will be fine!

I did a mixture at times… see what works for you x