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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my babies Grandparents to have a sleepover

31 replies

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 11/01/2023 19:31

My DPs parents will be meeting DD for the first time soon (they live abroad) and I know they're going to ask to have DD overnight (she's 8 months) on their own but I don't feel comfortable with it at all. I know they're DPs parents but I've only met them once and he's only seen them a few times in the last few years. I don't know how to approach it when they ask without it turning into an awkward argument. They've already had a fall out with his sibling so the sibling is now NC including his own kids.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/01/2023 19:33

Of course you’re not U. They haven’t even met her yet! GPs should build up a relationship with the child before having them overnight alone. If they can’t do this as abroad they should see the Dc with you there during the day.

isitginoclock · 11/01/2023 19:33

"Thanks PIL, but you're only visiting for a short while - let's spend the time together. We're not ready to leave DC overnight anyway, and they wake up a LOT so..."

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/01/2023 19:34

How do you know they will ask for this?

Emmamoo89 · 11/01/2023 19:37

YANBU x

Original poster
IneedcoffeeinanIV · 11/01/2023 19:38

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/01/2023 19:34

How do you know they will ask for this?

They've already hinted at it a few times on the phone but we've managed to change the subject. My parents have had her twice but they've met her tons and also met my partner and they have a relationship. As much as they're lovely, we are very different people. They're very set in their way and quite old fashioned with parenting. As in would still give a baby whiskey on their gums to help with teething...

If it was my parents I'd feel more comfortable saying no

OP posts:
hoppityscotch · 11/01/2023 19:39

Just say no she's a bit young for that right now.

TabithaTittlemouse · 11/01/2023 19:39

No need for reasons or excuses. Just say no.
we have our dgc a lot but we know them and they know us, we have a close relationship. Your in laws are strangers to you and your dc.

Does your Dh agree with you?

SummerHouse · 11/01/2023 19:39

Get on the same page and let your DP say that's not happening (...."but thank you so much for the update kind offer")

Original poster
IneedcoffeeinanIV · 11/01/2023 19:41

TabithaTittlemouse · 11/01/2023 19:39

No need for reasons or excuses. Just say no.
we have our dgc a lot but we know them and they know us, we have a close relationship. Your in laws are strangers to you and your dc.

Does your Dh agree with you?

He gets where I'm coming from but I can tell he's a bit sad about it because it's his Parents. I completely appreciate that but it just feels weird to me. I obviously won't let it happen whilst I'm uncomfortable with it, it's just the thought of having the conversation face to face if they outright ask me that makes me wanna throw up

OP posts:
gemloving · 11/01/2023 19:41

Do they live far away and coming to see you? Would they ask to have DD overnight in a hotel? What are the logistics?

Just say you're not comfortable.

cptartapp · 11/01/2023 19:42

Then your DH needs to speak up. They're his parents. This is a good test for him for him to prevent you being seen as the bad guy.

Original poster
IneedcoffeeinanIV · 11/01/2023 19:47

They're staying for a week or 2 and renting a place for the duration. The bad guy is exactly what I'm worried about looking like. They are very family orientated until something happens that they don't agree with it

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 11/01/2023 19:52

Big girl pants on... this is YOUR baby. Only YOU get to say where and when they go.

Any time they ask, just say "No. we're not ready for that yet."

Do they know the baby has stayed with your parents? If not. Keep it that way. If they do know, just tell them that your baby knows them. And that's it. No need for any explanations.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 11/01/2023 19:53

Who cares if you look like the bad guy?

herbaltea21 · 11/01/2023 19:55

You're absolutely not being unreasonable OP.
Imagine. How your little one would feel waking up to those strangers :(

It can all be handelled nicely though, maybe suggest another way for them to enjoy time with her? They certainly wouldn't enjoy her screaming all night!

Maybe explain that she doesn't sleep well and cries for you so you don't want to leave her but maybe you can do this.........

Be strong ❤️

Cherrysoup · 11/01/2023 20:07

Of course they can't have her overnight, they don't know her. It's ridiculous.

RedRobyn2021 · 11/01/2023 20:09

You child wouldn't even know them at that age unless they aw them regularly, which you've said they haven't. It would probably traumatise them. What is wrong with people. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable about saying no, it's ludicrous.

pelargoniums · 11/01/2023 20:11

Just laugh and say “That’s a kind offer – we’ll take you up on it when she and we are ready.” No need to mention you won’t be ready for years.

Original poster
IneedcoffeeinanIV · 11/01/2023 20:16

I will absolutely be saying no, there's absolutely no doubt about that. It's just the awkwardness and the shitty comments that's going to come with it that I can't cope with, and as they're staying for a few weeks it's going to feel like I'm treading on eggshells

OP posts:
Scotty12 · 11/01/2023 20:20

What is it with grandparents pressuring parents to have babies for sleepovers?! Anyway - you need to get your other half on side and be clear, straightforward and firm if you need to be. “Thank you but no - she’s too little / we are not ready for that / she wakes in the night and needs me to comfort her….”. Your child, your rules. Might take a bit of getting used to from them and if they get upset about it - stand firm.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/01/2023 20:20

The more assertive and strong you are, the fewer shitty comments and bullshit there will be.

I find "oh no, of course not" with a big smile and taking no shot whatsoever really helps.

Fierce mother bear. Not their child.

Scotty12 · 11/01/2023 20:21

Fierce mother bear - love that. Stand firm and ignore the reaction as much as you can.

loveliesbleeding1 · 11/01/2023 20:23

Part of being a parent means advocating for your child,do PIL know baby has stayed with your parents? Would you still feel the same if it was your parents coming from far away? I’m sure you would,so be brave and every single time they bring it up or try to make you feel bad repeat “she’s too little just now” until they get the message.

loveliesbleeding1 · 11/01/2023 20:29

scotty12
we aren’t all like it, I like my sleep too much!

ChristmasTensions · 11/01/2023 20:32

You’d be mad to let them and it would be traumatic for her if she barely knows them. Just say no! You’re more than reasonable. In fact you’d be unreasonable to leave your baby with virtual strangers.