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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think when people say it’s bliss after going NC is not the full truth

43 replies

Pamperswipes · 11/01/2023 18:44

Yeah or maybe bliss compared to everything they have put you through in order for you to feel like you don’t want that person in your life anymore
say a nasty mil that you now don’t have to put up with or deal with

but the situation of cut off family members will still be stressful so I can’t see how it can be described as bliss
as I’d it’s so easy

OP posts:
Mychitchatdays · 11/01/2023 18:47

In one way as there is no more new drama. However, the trauma remains. I have nightmares. It can be horrific.

Xrays · 11/01/2023 18:50

We are no contact with all of dhs family and it’s bliss for us. Blocked all the fuckers on social media and haven’t seen any of them for years and years. I think it’s only bliss if you don’t have to see or hear from anyone connected to that person. I can see it’s difficult if you just cut out one person.

Wolfiefan · 11/01/2023 18:51

I don’t see my abusive father. What stress? I have no contact at all and won’t ever see him again. Peace. That’s the word.

BigHeadBertha · 11/01/2023 18:53

In my experience, a cut off from a person who is expected to be in your life in a close way is only the lesser of two evils, a far cry from bliss to me.

Whatmarbles · 11/01/2023 18:55

I think it takes time to get to a feeling of bliss.
I'm 15 years into nc, for the first 5 years weren't bliss.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/01/2023 19:01

Who are you in this dynamic? We’re NC with DH horrific family and he’s freeeeee and happy and stress free. He wouldn’t describe anything as bliss but it’s a fuck load nicer than the awful years of corrosive damaging bullshit they chucked at him.

Skyeheather · 11/01/2023 19:02

I went NC with a close family member 25 years ago and every now and again this person tries to find me thinking they have a chance to be reunited. They appear to be somewhat clueless as to why I went NC and I can't be bothered to tell them if they can't work it out. It does mean I have to be careful on social media, no photos, no public posts that indicate where I live/work etc. It's also intimidating knowing that someone is trying to hunt you down. There's always the fear that one day I'll open the door and they'll be standing there. Life will be much easier when they are no longer here, I think it will be weight lifted off my shoulders.

Pamperswipes · 11/01/2023 19:06

BigHeadBertha · 11/01/2023 18:53

In my experience, a cut off from a person who is expected to be in your life in a close way is only the lesser of two evils, a far cry from bliss to me.

Yes exactly that
the lesser of two evils

but certainly not bliss

OP posts:
Lillysmamma · 11/01/2023 19:07

I think it depends how persistent and boundary crossing the person you are NC with is and how toxic they are. Some toxic people never give up their torment of their victim and that’s far from bliss.

Always4Brenner · 11/01/2023 19:09

I still have nightmares about being back with my family so for me going nc was one of the best things I’ve done.

Verbena87 · 11/01/2023 19:09

It makes me sad sometimes but I’d make the same choice again. Sooner, probably.

Pamperswipes · 11/01/2023 19:13

Verbena87 · 11/01/2023 19:09

It makes me sad sometimes but I’d make the same choice again. Sooner, probably.

Yes

OP posts:
TightFistedWozerk · 11/01/2023 19:13

Hello there what person are you in this scenario?

You might be focussing on 'bliss' but as pp have said, 'peace' might work better for you?

HerRoyalNotness · 11/01/2023 19:14

I felt and feel relief

Pamperswipes · 11/01/2023 19:17

Oh it’s she’s step dad that’s toxic, he’s just a nasty person
will never change so it’s for the best
dh has always had issues with him

so agree it’s for the best and a relief and should have bene done sooner

OP posts:
Pamperswipes · 11/01/2023 19:17

Dh’s not she’s

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/01/2023 19:19

I hate the way people overuse the word “bliss” anyway. “Have a bath with the door locked - bliss!”, “go for a walk by yourself - bliss!” and now “go NC - bliss”. None of these things are bliss. They’re just quite nice/ a bit nicer than what went before.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 11/01/2023 19:22

It makes me sad sometimes but would I do it again? Yes without a doubt.

The relief far out weighs the sadness.

MuggleMe · 11/01/2023 19:23

It can feel like a huge weight off. And after decades of toxicity and slow acceptance that you don't have a 'dad' or whatever as people would know one, it can feel like bliss most of the time.

Redannie118 · 11/01/2023 19:25

2 years after going NC with narc mother and my life is far from bliss. The memories of abuse are still there. The hurt, anger and pain. Im utterly terrified of bumping into her- thought I saw her a few weeks ago( wasnt her) but I was so upset I vomited. I still feel regular guilt and I even miss her. She could be nice sometimes and its amazing how thats the easiest thing to remember. When I cut her off, she couldnt hurt me anymore, but its not like the last 50 years of abuse suddenly vanished in a puff of glitter once she was gone.

Im having therapy now to help but it will be a very long road. I think its taboo to say going NC is going to be anything but wonderful as it may stop some people from doing it, but I think we all deserve a much more honest discussion of the topic- warts and all.

Throwncrumbs · 11/01/2023 19:31

I’m sure my DIL thinks it’s bliss, she caused a fallout and now I don’t see my son or my grandchildren, so it’s not bliss for me. I’m not being treated as second best anymore or the ‘poor’ side of the family. It’s fairly recent so it’s heartbreaking, but I’m not as upset as I was.

oprahfan · 11/01/2023 19:31

It is traumatic to have to decide to go NC and or cut off someone. I wasn’t prepared for the feelings of grief. But it was that, or years more abuse, lies, manipulation and sheer headfuckery.
As the years have passed, it is extremely peaceful, I wouldn’t say blissful, it has been very difficult, but I wouldn’t trade the peace I feel now.
You can’t tell those who abuse how they affect you. It just doesn’t register. Some enjoy the drama, the unpleasantness, and scapegoating. They’re very damaged.
Those who get away and go NC have a chance of a half decent life.

Thelnebriati · 11/01/2023 19:38

I haven't seen anyone describe it as blissful (especially if you break contact with a narc) there's the preparation, the fear of doing it, and a period of guilt. Its not always plain sailing either, some people can get stalkerish afterwards, or bad mouth you to everyone.
But after the fuss dies down it is easier, and far preferable to having to deal with them.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 11/01/2023 21:51

It's painful because it represents the relinquishing of hope. Hope that things are ever going to change, hope that the other person will ever stop treating you so poorly, hope that you can have the relationship with them you wanted to have, rather than the one you actually have. I actually think there is no more painful or illusory emotion than hope, particularly as it's so rarely we ever recognize it as the false hope it is.

There seems to be a disconnect in the understanding between many people who end up estranged. Those whose relatives instigated the NC often claim to have no idea what they've done, that it's happened for no reason; whereas the person who's walked away insists they are aware precisely why. I don't know the reason for this: some instances might represent the straw that broke the camel's back: they've tolerated the behaviour for year after year, then one day something - maybe even a small thing - proves to be the decisive moment.

If NC is done with the intention of achieving some self-serving end, or with the intention of punishing someone, it's horribly manipulative behaviour. But the schism is often as painful for those doing the cutting off as it is for those on the receiving end. If done as a self-preservation mechanism, it's usually a last resort. People procrastinate over letting go of the hope that things will ever be different because it represents a form of bereavement, even if you're grieving for something you never really had in the first place. And grief is painful. But acceptance does bring with it a form of freedom, enabling the process of letting go to begin, rather than living your life in the limbo of false hope. That's the reason it can bring about its own form of peace.

So not exactly 'bliss', but peace of mind is the endgame here, which might be seen as even more important. Sending empathy to all who have been through or are going through this.

WhoKnowsMaybeSomeDay · 12/01/2023 02:27

I wouldn't say bliss, no. Peaceful - absolutely. Anxiety free - yes.