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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think when people say it’s bliss after going NC is not the full truth

43 replies

Pamperswipes · 11/01/2023 18:44

Yeah or maybe bliss compared to everything they have put you through in order for you to feel like you don’t want that person in your life anymore
say a nasty mil that you now don’t have to put up with or deal with

but the situation of cut off family members will still be stressful so I can’t see how it can be described as bliss
as I’d it’s so easy

OP posts:
magma32 · 12/01/2023 02:39

Well I don’t know about ‘bliss’ but definitely better than being in contact and constant anxiety etc. life is more peaceful and I feel a lot of relief. Living in isolation is not healthy but it was worse being in contact with horrible people when I had no one else to neutralise that. It was done for my mental health/survival.

Nicecow · 12/01/2023 02:56

In some ways it's bliss because there is no longer the stress, but there's always the sadness as well. For me it is like the person has died. In my case anyway, I can only speak for myself

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/01/2023 03:25

I think that will be a very personal thing.

For me it was bliss. I had decided I wanted to be completely NC a long time before it was practicable to make it possible due to living in a small town.

Over the previous few years my brother had been arrested 7 times for either causing a disturbance at my home, making threats or (twice) physical assault. Every time he was arrested the other siblings would get on my case about it.

One lived in the next street. One lived a ten minute walk away. The other lived further away, but worked in the main supermarket in town. I couldn't relax at any point as the chances of seeing them was constant. We were also dealing with a family member's estate so they were able to use that to make contact.

Moving away meant peace. I wasn't going to bump into any of them. None of them knew where I was. I could go to the shop and not be in fear. I could open my front door when the bell went without having my phone in my hand ready to call 999. I could take my kids to the park and not have to say "Right, if we see X, Y or Z this is what we'll do..."

It absolutely was, and is, bliss.

But the key perhaps is that I was long over the relationship and it's losses long before the NC was actually possible. There was no sadness, just sheer bliss at being free.

daretodenim · 12/01/2023 03:36

Relief. An ongoing relief.

Amazing to have my life without a constant shadow hanging over.

Do I think about the person at times, wonder how it must be for them, feel bad? Yes. But not for long, because I know that if I let them back in at 9.00 tomorrow, by 9.01 she'd have started again. I've come to accept that it's a horrible pain for her (or even that it may not be!), but I simply cannot have someone in my life who gives me flashbacks to what they did to me. Years of trauma therapy have helped to significantly reduce them when I'm not around her, but there's no way that being around won't start them up again. So even if I wanted to try and reconnect, it's not worth it to my MH. And that's a survival issue, so there's no alternative.

It's very lonely at times.

But it's still a massive relief not to have to deal with her toxicity dresses up as being a wonderful person, the best person ever, for the rest of the world.

Bliss doesn't come into it.

WhoKnowsMaybeSomeDay · 12/01/2023 03:48

But the key perhaps is that I was long over the relationship

This is exactly right, by the time most people go NC the relationship is already over.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/01/2023 04:07

WhoKnowsMaybeSomeDay · 12/01/2023 03:48

But the key perhaps is that I was long over the relationship

This is exactly right, by the time most people go NC the relationship is already over.

I was beyond the point of being sad about it and had grieved the relationship I should have had etc.

In some ways I was lucky because a lot of people have to deal with that bit after going NC. Whereas for me it was just freedom.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 12/01/2023 04:56

For me, I wasn’t until a few weeks/months into NC that I realised HOW badly it had been affecting me. Constant state of worry, anxiety, stress. I had thought it only affected me to when I actually saw who I have gone NC with, but it had seeped into the everyday of my life.

So ‘bliss’ is perhaps not the right word, as it’s sad it came to this, but I would do it again in a heartbeat, and sooner.

Relief, calm, peace perhaps more apt.

ThinWomansBrain · 12/01/2023 05:05

NC with rapist brother - bliss would be that he'd never existed, but you can't have everything.
you seem to want too apply your happy family dynamics universally - YABU

ThePoint678 · 12/01/2023 05:05

Theoretically, it’s sad, but I only feel peace.

Unikeko · 12/01/2023 05:15

It really depends. Each situation is different.

SpentDandelion · 12/01/2023 05:30

It's an act of self love.
"if you cut some off off, usually they have handed you the sissors"
It does take time but so worth it, especially in an abusive co dependant relationship. Get them out of your sytem, out of your life and move on.

Original poster
Pamperswipes · 12/01/2023 08:14

SpentDandelion · 12/01/2023 05:30

It's an act of self love.
"if you cut some off off, usually they have handed you the sissors"
It does take time but so worth it, especially in an abusive co dependant relationship. Get them out of your sytem, out of your life and move on.

Very true

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 12/01/2023 08:23

I cut off my sister but she won’t accept it and still harasses me, those who have gone NC do the people accept it or do they still try to get to you? Definitely not been bliss for me as she won’t leave me alone!

Thighlengthboots · 12/01/2023 08:26

Well, I wouldnt agree its "bliss" having to do that but what people really mean is that not having to deal with toxic or abusive behaviour is "bliss", which it is if you have been denigrated and abused your entire life. That doesnt mean you felt happy doing it because its often a difficult and fraught decision but I can totally understand how not having to deal with the abusive behaviour is "bliss" because it is.

lifeinthehills · 12/01/2023 08:35

It's better and less stressful. Issues do still come up over the years though like deaths, collateral losses. You're never fully free of it.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 12/01/2023 08:53

Went NC with now ex best friend. Realised how calm my life is ever since. Had not realised how toxic her being in my life was. We have no other connections though so it was only me and she that were affected as our kids have not even noticed - mine certainly have not.

My brother went NC with me which has ripped our family apart and none of us even know why he has done it. Its affected our parents, other siblings and all of our kids. Wil never understand why he has inflicted this on us all as it seems cruel but he feels the world has hurt him and needed to lash out and take his hurt out on someone else so he chose me. It is not bliss for him either I can tell but he will be forever stubborn.

Original poster
Pamperswipes · 12/01/2023 09:29

Sorry to everyone that’s been in this boat
this is actually a really real conversation about it and you explain it all so well

OP posts:
Original poster
Pamperswipes · 12/01/2023 09:30

lifeinthehills · 12/01/2023 08:35

It's better and less stressful. Issues do still come up over the years though like deaths, collateral losses. You're never fully free of it.

This is a really good way to describe it

OP posts:
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