To resent everyone having their hands in my pocket?

[GirlsNightOut33]

I grew up poor (council house, parents in unstable jobs, rows about debt being routine, deprived area etc). Many of my school peers never escaped the patterns of behaviour from previous generations - drugs, alcohol problems, teen pregnancy.

I moved out young and ended up in a role which is well paid - think akin to accounting (I'm not like a CFO but work in a stable practice in a career role, not super senior but consistent income - team leader is basically what I do, so junior middle management).

When I return home I'm often hearing comments about my job, and starting to feel resentful because the instigators have no idea how hard I work, my stress levels are high and I work long hours - it's not "free money" and I don't think they have any idea how my finances might work in practice. I'm in Scotland so pay higher tax rates (about £1.5k less net per year due to being in the bracket where at 43k your income tax rises higher than the rest of the UK).

I'm finding situations like a relative deciding that an ailing relative (who I don't like or know well) needs elderly care. Then looking up carers and saying how can I pay my share (straight into the organisers bank account where she'll pay the carer agency direct). I thought it was a joke but apparently this was a serious suggestion. I pushed back and said that wouldn't be happening.

If we go for a meal or drinks, family just expect me to cover it - no asking or even a thanks, just always someone asking if I've sorted the bill. I'm agreeing to go out rarely now due to this.

Aibu to be feeling really resentful that other people in my life seem really happy to dip their fingers in my pockets on the back of my hard work, yet don't even appreciate it? Or even ask what the real deal is. They just assume I'm loaded, which isn't the case.

YANBU It’s a horrible feeling when family behave like this

This doesn’t happen in my family-how rubbish for you.

I think you need to keep saying no to any CF requests and don’t put yourself in situations where you are out eating/drinking with them.

Wow that is really shitty of your family

That sounds awful. It’s simplistic to say you should have put your foot down years ago as I know it’s not that simple.

But you do have to put your foot down now. Be really clear about the fact that people don’t have a right to your money. It’s tough but it’s not your job to support your entire extended family.

If people suggest social stuff I think you need to spell out before accepting that you are not going to foot the bill for everyone. It may piss people off but you have to do something.

I have this.
I distanced myself and say no.

My glaswegian sister said she’d come to london to visit me. I was chuffed, about 5 years since i’d seen her. During the call she asked if i could get her some robbie williams tickets for th o2…. I knew some people and thought i’d get her a special treat and get her in to meet him, but i played it cool, and said, oh dunno, it’s hard to get those, they are really popular. She changed her mind about coming in the course of that call after if said the tickets were hard to get.

Part of a larger set of circumstances but i just went NC with them all.

I feel your pain - they expected lots of me - and yet when i paid for lots of things without expecting anything in return - yet got called scattercash. Wtf.

Money changes people around it.

10 years on, im happier with NC from the lot of them.

Sounds like you gently need to place some boundaries. Absolutely no to picking up the tab. Maybe a treat meal once a year or extra nice birthday gifts.

Why would anyone regardless of background call working “free money”?

There's no way I'd be taking people who thought I was loaded out for a meal. They'd be drinking everything in the place.

I have so much respect for you for getting out of that situation, OP, but don't let any of them take advantage of you now.

It's a shame they know how much you earn. Mine all assume I'm quite poor because I drive an old car, I find its the best way.

Unfortunately you'll be branded tight for instigating boundaries but this is what you need to do. Their behaviour is highly unreasonable.

Fwiw don't go down the 'I work hard and my job is stressful' route if you decide to try to explain it. Many low earning people also work very long hours in very stressful jobs. Just explain that you're paying off your mortgage, putting money aside for person or dc or whatever. Or just say no.

@Bard6817 What does scattercash mean? Googled but didn’t find anything.

My sister asked me not to tell our mum that she had over £60K in savings and had also paid her mortgage off early. (She worked every hour she could, bargain shopped only, did shared family bathwater and bought her kids 2nd hand toys.) She and her partner lived like that so they could buy a huge house and have no mortgage.
She also knew that if our mum knew she had the cash she would be expected to help our spendthrift parents out. Forever in debt despite a large income, they could blow through £10K in a couple of weeks easily and have nothing to show for it.
Dad would get a payment of £20K in from a couple of jobs and instead of say, paying off that year's £1100 council tax bill, mum will be paying it back on a payment plan to collections company and even then is often late and has to be chased.

And if I win the lottery? They'll be told I won less than 10% of what I do so I won't be getting calls from long lost family members or my mum.

That i threw my money around.

Scottish saying.

I’d say, “I can’t afford this / that. I think you are overestimating my income and what I can afford to spend. You are expecting too much.” Don’t tell them - ever - what your actual salary or monthly expenses are.

Interesting to hear scattercash!

"Free money" wasn't a phrase used. I think I've explained poorly, but it seems like some of them think I've won the lottery or something - like there's no link between hard work and where I am now. Obviously I have benefited from being able bodied, was lucky that I chose a career with stable employment (I didn't truly understand this when young) but it's not just been handed to me and that's one of the things that isn't acknowledged, e.g. In the elderly care suggestion no one asked or checked whether I'd be happy to continue in a highly stress role 5 days a week. If I had spare cash, lots, I wouldn't pay a random relative's care bill. I'd drop to 4 days a week! Or put it extra into pension or help out closer family etc

Next time you go for a meal out, take enough cash to pay your share plus a tip, then leave before anyone else and say ‘here’s my share of the bill’ and just go.
(Make sure it’s not you who instigates the meal out though).

Of course you are not being unreasonable. I think the only answer is to be really direct - something along the lines of, 'I know it must seem like I would have a lot more than others due to my work, but it actually does not work out that way. I am just letting you know because it seems that there is an expectation I can pay for lots of things and I am finding it a struggle so will have to stop'. I had to do this with my sister who sees herself as a poor pensioner, but has a lot more money to spend on non essentials than I do.

Tell them how hard you work of they make flippant comments and stop the hand outs. I'd actually start to limit the time spent with these people

I think of the internet joke that I’ve seen…

~

Uncle Dave to the family: Can I borrow 100 off you, I’ll pay it back as soon as I can.
Concerned Nephew Privately: Uncle I’m sorry to you’re going through a rough patch. How can I help?
Uncle Dave: Don’t worry about me I’m fine, I just like to ask for money every once in awhile so nobody thinks to ask me for some!

~

In other words, stop telling people your financial situation, start complaining loudly about finances and bills, stop paying for others. If all else fails pull an Uncle Dave and ask them for money!

This is why it's better not to discuss your earnings with people. If they don't know, they can't expect.

YANBU I would just say - oh, I can’t afford XYX. If they push and say -why/of course you can- then say something like huge bills/saving for your retirement etc.

They won’t like it but stick to your guns once you said No.

😂😂😂😂 throw money around Willy nilly.

clues in the name.

This happens in our family - we are very comfortable- the siblings are just making ends meet. We’ll pay for family meals out but we will not make a sibling mortgage free - we were asked and various other levels of it’s not fair you have more money give us some. I think they imagine we have a lot more money than we do saved up but either way it’s not their business, we don’t work hard to fund the siblings and frankly their bloody awful financial decisions. I’m not sure there’s an easy answer except saying no.

@Bard6817 @saturnisturning Thanks.🙂 I really didn’t didn’t see it as scatter and cash like that. I was thinking it meant tight/stingy but couldn’t see how. Obvious now!

Of course YANBU. But this is how some people are.

My DP grew up poor. Neither of her parents worked after she turned 4; her dad was on disability benefits for a while, but basically things were very tight. Her siblings do work, but until quite recently they assumed it was normal not to work full time, so money is always tricky.

I think posters saying you should just not talk about finances, or you should say you can't afford things, are living in cloud cuckoo land. It must be obvious you can afford things. Being poor doesn't make you stupid - your family must be able to see you're better off than them. And I doubt they will be very interested in your tax situation, if to them you're just a convenient source of cash.

I know my in-laws genuinely believe that it's pure luck that makes me and DP better off; they don't really understand that we work hard (especially DP). It sounds as if your family feel the same. I think the only thing you can do is keep hammering home how your job works. No, you can't clock off at 5; you have to keep on at it and that's why they pay you more. Yes, you sometimes work weekends. Etc. etc.

In the end, though, you may just not get anywhere. Since I've know her, my MIL has been quite sure I ought to buy her a house. Just a little house, you know. When I first knew MIL we were renting and in no position to buy our own house; when we did start the process towards buying our first home, my SIL rang me up and explained quite seriously that MIL would need to be taken into account, and I'd need to consider whether I could still support her if I bought the house. To me, it's completely, mind-bogglingly entitled, but to her, it is just obvious. There's no real solution because they don't have any idea they're being anything approching unreasonable.