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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bitchy comment from dd friend

50 replies

Jennybeans401 · 10/01/2023 17:26

Dd moved school last term due to bullying. Her teacher feels (as I do too) that she is possibly autistic. She struggles at times with friendships, she tries very hard though.

She's been doing well so far and seems to hang out with two other girls (Year 5). One of them seems to prefer the other girl over dd but they play together mostly.

Today dd seemed confused and a bit worried that they'd been talking about The Greatest Showman'. The girl turned to dd and said yes you look like the bearded lady but without the beard. I thought it sounded a bit bitchy and not so nice! I'm not sure if I should mention it to the teacher? Dd struggles to express herself so can't have a handy retort.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 10/01/2023 17:34

What's horrible about that comment exactly?

RoseslnTheHospital · 10/01/2023 17:35

The actress who played that character is a larger woman, do you think they were commenting on your DD weight?

DrManhattan · 10/01/2023 17:41

You might have to leave her to sort some of these issues herself. Is she actually bothered or is it you ? She can just say whatever. As a parent of a child with ASD alot of these comments go over their head and I am more bothered than they are. Xx

Keyansier · 10/01/2023 17:46

ThreeLittleDots · 10/01/2023 17:34

What's horrible about that comment exactly?

You don't see how it's horrible to comment to a young teenage girl that she looks like a bearded lady? Bloody hell, people have accused me of being blunt on here but I can't understand how someone can see a comment like that and not think it's a nasty one.

Wibbly1008 · 10/01/2023 17:47

I think you need to ignore and tell dd to ignore it. Life is full of comments, this won’t be the last

GoodVibesHere · 10/01/2023 17:50

Urghh year 5's can be so bitchy.

It's an odd thing to say really, the main thing about the bearded lady is the beard, so it's a strange comment. I wouldn't say anything though.

Fragrantandfoolish · 10/01/2023 17:50

Keyansier · 10/01/2023 17:46

You don't see how it's horrible to comment to a young teenage girl that she looks like a bearded lady? Bloody hell, people have accused me of being blunt on here but I can't understand how someone can see a comment like that and not think it's a nasty one.

Show quote history

She clearly said without the beard. At least read the op. Keala settle is gorgeous.

im also not seeing the issue.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 10/01/2023 17:50

Dd is quite stout but I wouldn't say she's fat, she's not willowy though.

Yes this girl was being bitchy about her weight I think but just seemed a mean thing to say.

OP posts:
Fragrantandfoolish · 10/01/2023 17:52

Jennybeans401 · 10/01/2023 17:50

Dd is quite stout but I wouldn't say she's fat, she's not willowy though.

Yes this girl was being bitchy about her weight I think but just seemed a mean thing to say.

You think it’s mean to say she looks like keala settle?

do you not see the irony in how mean that is?

JudgeRudy · 10/01/2023 17:54

I acknowledge it was a bit mean (presumably a dig at your daughter's size) but as a one off remark I wouldn't call it bullying, andcthe school will likelyvthink itscan overcreaction. Besides, it's in your daughter's best interest to allow her to learn to handle these situation herself. Autistic or not they'll be plenty more people say/do nasty things in her life whether that's a partner, sibling, friend work colleague or the bloke in the queue!

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 10/01/2023 17:57

@Fragrantandfoolish I think the lady is lovely but I think the girl didn't mean to be lovely. Her intention was to be a bit mean.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 10/01/2023 18:01

You don't see how it's horrible to comment to a young teenage girl that she looks like a bearded lady? Bloody hell, people have accused me of being blunt on here but I can't understand how someone can see a comment like that and not think it's a nasty one

The comment was "without the beard" and the actress is a pretty lady. The film is body positive. I wished to guage what OP understood the insult to be.

Homedeco · 10/01/2023 18:01

I just searched the woman online, she isn’t ugly. It’s debatable whether this girl was trying to be mean or not, I suppose it’s not an age-appropriate reference considering the ages involved of your daughter and the woman photographed

Bitchy comment from dd friend
Bitchy comment from dd friend
FoxCorner · 10/01/2023 18:15

I used to wait and see if it was a one off or not. Eg. A boy at primary said to dd "You've got the hair colour no one likes" (red) which was bitchy of him, but then it was never repeated, so I left it. If there'd been more comments I'd have spoken to the school. It's actually the only time she's had a mean comment about her hair and she nearly 16. Not bad going.

ShepherdMoons · 10/01/2023 18:32

I think I'd wait and see if the same girl is making any other remarks about your dd's appearance. It could be a one off and then it might seem like an over reaction on your part.

Iam4eels · 10/01/2023 18:36

YABU to refer to a 9-10 year old as bitchy. They're children, children sometimes say or do unkind things, doesn't make them bitches.

I would monitor it for now. It could have been a misjudged comment delivered badly rather than intentionally unkind.

DuplicateUserName · 10/01/2023 18:42

You can't go running to the teacher over every comment, that would be exhausting for everyone concerned.

Interestingly, you haven't mentioned your daughter's wishes here. Has she asked you to speak to her teacher?

ChristmasTensions · 10/01/2023 18:45

It definitely sounds like the friend was being mean. However, I don’t think I’d act on it at this stage… just wait and watch. It might just be a one-off mean comment rather than persistent/bullying.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 10/01/2023 18:46

Dd had horrendous bullying at her old school, there was a lot of meanness so maybe I'm quite sensitive to it.

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 10/01/2023 19:16

It’s pretty hard to know her intention though. I’m ND and can see myself saying something like this without any ill will.

Stopthebusplease · 10/01/2023 19:20

You don't think she could have been referring to face shape, or eyes or something?

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 10/01/2023 19:30

They don't look alike at all to me apart from the hair perhaps!

OP posts:
BrewersFaye · 10/01/2023 20:01

I don’t think it’s just your DD who lacks understanding around friendships

of course you don’t report this to the school, ffs

she will end up with no friends if you carry on

cansu · 10/01/2023 20:09

I think you need to consider when it is bullying - repeated mean actions or comments or when it's a one off.
If you go heavy on every comment then your dd may find that she struggles to maintain her friendships. Kids are sometimes mean or thoughtless. It might be worth role playing what she should say.
e.g. Oh that's nice, THANKS! (laughing it off but making sure the other girl isn't let off)

You can of course ask the teacher to tell off the other girl but this is your dd's only friendship group. I would tread lightly. If it becomes a pattern then yes, speak to the teacher. However, if the girls are mean on frequent occasions it will doubtless mean that they are not her real friends and she will need to find some others to hang out with.

ShepherdMoons · 11/01/2023 12:14

@BrewersFaye this is a bit harsh.

OP see how things go and hopefully this will be a one off.