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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to cut off his brother?

42 replies

Icklebowpeep · 10/01/2023 12:35

My partners family are vile. They have said very nasty things about me and seem to think that he can't think for himself so any decision he makes that they don't agree with must have come from me. I've overheard them talking about me on FaceTime before.
His brother though is the worst. He calls me all sorts of names, won't be in the room with me, and expects me to let him see the children when I'm not there.
For some context we were due to marry in 2020. At which point we'd said if it's reduced numbers, seen as at the time he'd only been dating his partner a few months, would he be ok to come without a plus one. That apparently came from me and me alone, I'm a see you next Tuesday etc.
We have been separated a while and I've said if we are to reconcile- it's me or him. He said he'd never cut him out.
Is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
TiarasAndTeddies · 10/01/2023 12:36

Is that you Meghan?

GrazingSheep · 10/01/2023 12:37

Is that you Meghan?

So tedious. And predictable🙄

StubbleAndSqueak · 10/01/2023 12:40

Walk away , this is just the beginning

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 10/01/2023 12:42

Stop focusing on the brother, the issue is the man who lets the brother speak about you in this way.

Original poster
Icklebowpeep · 10/01/2023 12:43

Yes it's me Meghan Markle.. regular user of Mumsnet Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Icklebowpeep · 10/01/2023 12:43

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 10/01/2023 12:42

Stop focusing on the brother, the issue is the man who lets the brother speak about you in this way.

Well yes, I don't think you're incorrect there.

OP posts:
Loachworks · 10/01/2023 12:44

As PP have said but if it's not you MM then of course you are being unreasonable and I wouldn't take you back if you asked me to choose. Also even with reduced numbers no way should a sibling be asked to attend without a plus one.

Keyansier · 10/01/2023 12:49

Hi. I can completely identify with some of this. Please ignore the stupid poster that asked if you are Meghan Markle, as if Meghan would be on MN divulging secretsHmm

Thereisnolight · 10/01/2023 12:56

Well his brother didn’t like you, didn’t think the relationship would work out, and now you’re separated, he was correct.

Not inviting his partner to the wedding was provocative.

Maybe you and your DP/his family are just too different.

TiarasAndTeddies · 10/01/2023 13:05

Icklebowpeep · 10/01/2023 12:43

Yes it's me Meghan Markle.. regular user of Mumsnet Wink

Christ, don't go peeking on the RF threads then 😲

TiarasAndTeddies · 10/01/2023 13:06

Keyansier · 10/01/2023 12:49

Hi. I can completely identify with some of this. Please ignore the stupid poster that asked if you are Meghan Markle, as if Meghan would be on MN divulging secretsHmm

Oh I don't know, it didn't stop her old man.

Original poster
Icklebowpeep · 10/01/2023 13:08

@Thereisnolight that could be true. We are totally different types of people. The thing is we BOTH agreed about his plus one yet it's me who got the blame for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icklebowpeep · 10/01/2023 13:09

Does Meghan actually come on here? Anyone got any links!?

OP posts:
pocketvenuss · 10/01/2023 13:12

Why is everyone commenting doing exactly what the dh family do and blaming the OP. Can you not read? She did not demand bil had no plus 1. This was a decision they both came to when reducing numbers. Why are you blaming the OP?

PugInTheHouse · 10/01/2023 13:17

I don't get the MM references, how is this scenario relevant in any way to her and PH FFS, in fact quite the opposite.

I don't think you are unreasonable in wanting some support from your DH when his family treat you appallingly however it is unreasonable to exclude a siblings plus 1 even if a short term relationship. I think you have no right to expect him to have no contact, leave him to sort contact for the DCs with his family and you go NC. Unless there is a lot more to all this ...

PugInTheHouse · 10/01/2023 13:18

I mean it's appalling from both of you to exclude +1

Justcallmebebes · 10/01/2023 13:20

Of course it's unreasonable to ask someone to cut off a close member of their family because you don't get on!! If he does that, will he have to cut off the rest of his family?

You're not compatible, move on

Keyansier · 10/01/2023 13:22

TiarasAndTeddies · 10/01/2023 13:06

Oh I don't know, it didn't stop her old man.

Show quote history

Thomas Markle is on Mumsnet? What's his username?

Internetstranger · 10/01/2023 14:59

OP it is an unreasonable request BUT I don’t think that’s the main problem here. Problem is the man comes from
a horrible family. He’s taken no steps to persuade them to be civil, or to protect you from their behaviour. People become more like their family as they get older and I don’t see this man ever standing up for you or making you happy. I’d look for a new partner.

Believ · 10/01/2023 15:06

Why can't he see the kids without you there? Not everyone has to get along. But I wouldn't be making him choose.

TedMullins · 10/01/2023 15:13

I don't think it's unreasonable at all to not give the brother a +1 when it was 2020 and weddings weren't allowed more than 15 people (I think?). Especially as it was a short relationship. If it was a spouse of many years that would be different.

The brother sounds like a total tosser, but your ex is the real problem for not defending you. He clearly won't cut him off. Your best bet is just not to get back with him and then you won't have to have anything to do with his family.

SeasonFinale · 10/01/2023 15:22

Of course it's not appalling. You all have short memories. It was 15 people including bride groom and the celebrant whether registrar/vicar.

Suzi89 · 10/01/2023 15:26

Keyansier · 10/01/2023 12:49

Hi. I can completely identify with some of this. Please ignore the stupid poster that asked if you are Meghan Markle, as if Meghan would be on MN divulging secretsHmm

It was clearly a joke, some people need to lighten up

sillysmiles · 10/01/2023 15:28

Ultimatums are always unreasonable.
Trying to separate your ex from his family is unreasonable and controlling

You partner not standing up for you is unreasonable. Your partner is unreasonable for not thinking for himself. He is unreasonable for not being clear with his brother that it was coming for him as well as you.

Do you really want to marry into this family?

Suzi89 · 10/01/2023 15:28

Believ · 10/01/2023 15:06

Why can't he see the kids without you there? Not everyone has to get along. But I wouldn't be making him choose.

Because he might say horrible things about her to the kids. I had a relative like this who told me my Dad was “evil” because she didn’t like him when I was very young. You need to protect kids from this sort of thing.

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