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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to cut off his brother?

42 replies

Icklebowpeep · 10/01/2023 12:35

My partners family are vile. They have said very nasty things about me and seem to think that he can't think for himself so any decision he makes that they don't agree with must have come from me. I've overheard them talking about me on FaceTime before.
His brother though is the worst. He calls me all sorts of names, won't be in the room with me, and expects me to let him see the children when I'm not there.
For some context we were due to marry in 2020. At which point we'd said if it's reduced numbers, seen as at the time he'd only been dating his partner a few months, would he be ok to come without a plus one. That apparently came from me and me alone, I'm a see you next Tuesday etc.
We have been separated a while and I've said if we are to reconcile- it's me or him. He said he'd never cut him out.
Is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
Suzi89 · 10/01/2023 15:29

You can’t tell your partner to cut his brother off but you can absolutely ban him from being around your children without you there.

Georgeskitchen · 10/01/2023 15:35

I wouldn't let this tosser anywhere near my children, either with or without my presence. I'm not sure I would want to marry into this family anyway if your DP allows his brother to abuse you in this way

Nagado · 10/01/2023 15:39

Why are you considering getting back together with a man who has never sat his family down and told them that you two are a unit and that any decisions come from both of you, and that he doesn’t want to hear anyone calling you names again or it will damage his relationship with them?

They come before you. He’s shown you this over and over again and has told you that nothing is going to change. So what’s the point of going through all of that heartbreak again, for nothing? He might well take your DC to see his family against your wishes if he shares custody with you, but if he’s willing to listen to his family calling you names, would you trust him not to take them to see his family behind your back even if you were together?

Nagado · 10/01/2023 15:40

Keyansier · 10/01/2023 13:22

Thomas Markle is on Mumsnet? What's his username?

Show quote history

Her old man, as in her husband. Harry.

Moxysright · 10/01/2023 15:42

TiarasAndTeddies · 10/01/2023 12:36

Is that you Meghan?

😂

Merryoldgoat · 10/01/2023 15:43

I wouldn’t get involved with anyone who had a family like that. It’s asking for absolutely no peace.

saraclara · 10/01/2023 15:45

Merryoldgoat · 10/01/2023 15:43

I wouldn’t get involved with anyone who had a family like that. It’s asking for absolutely no peace.

That. Life's too short to be constantly anxious about what they're saying and doing.

How old are the children?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 10/01/2023 15:53

Kinell. Is it impossible to escape this bizarre fixation on Meghan Markle absolutely bloody anywhere?

OP. I think you'd be entirely within your rights to say that if you do reconcile, you yourself will be having no contact with his brother on any pretext. That includes his coming to your house. FWIW, I also think this would be the right decision. No one has to tolerate being treated like this, and I'm afraid the easiest option for in-laws usually is to blame the woman.

YABU to demand your ex breaks all contact with his own brother.

Keyansier · 12/01/2023 11:05

Nagado · 10/01/2023 15:40

Her old man, as in her husband. Harry.

Show quote history

Ah, my mistake, it's Harry that's on Mumsnet, not Thomas. What's Harry's username? I feel like he wouldn't be such a good candidate for the AIBU forum for some reason 😂

SandyY2K · 12/01/2023 11:25

It's unreasonable to tell him to cut his brother off.

Your DH/DP is the problem, because he didn’t tell his brother it was a joint decision.... he threw you under the bus and he allows his brother to talk baby about you in his presence.

I'm not a great fan of my BIL...but I wouldn't talk badly about him to DH.
I have expressed undeniable facts...but that's it.

I think you best stay separated, because it's controlling behaviour asking him to cut his brother off.

Nagado · 12/01/2023 14:22

@Keyansier I suspect it would be unanimous responses if he did come on here 😂

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 12/01/2023 14:29

No way would the brothers new partner be invited to the wedding over a closer friend or family member.

Tbh, anyone who called me names or said vile things to/about me wouldn't be invited to the wedding regardless. The wedding was supposed to be about celebrating you two as a couple...can't do that if you don't accept the marriage.

I'd still leave. Don't be with someone who's family hate you

Ponderingwindow · 12/01/2023 14:34

You have gone from due to marry to separated in 3 years. If you had not mentioned children, I would advise to walk away and make a clean break. You still should be asking yourself why you are even worrying about the brother when you don’t have a solid relationship with your former fiancé.

however, unless the family member is violent or actually abusive, I don’t think a no contact request can ever be imposed. No matter how rude or unpleasant the brother might be, cutting him off has to be a personal decision.

You can request that your children not be exposed to the family member, but just not liking him is not enough to override a father’s decision to bring his children to visit family.

moonmoon123 · 12/01/2023 23:22

Icklebowpeep · 10/01/2023 12:35

My partners family are vile. They have said very nasty things about me and seem to think that he can't think for himself so any decision he makes that they don't agree with must have come from me. I've overheard them talking about me on FaceTime before.
His brother though is the worst. He calls me all sorts of names, won't be in the room with me, and expects me to let him see the children when I'm not there.
For some context we were due to marry in 2020. At which point we'd said if it's reduced numbers, seen as at the time he'd only been dating his partner a few months, would he be ok to come without a plus one. That apparently came from me and me alone, I'm a see you next Tuesday etc.
We have been separated a while and I've said if we are to reconcile- it's me or him. He said he'd never cut him out.
Is that unreasonable?

You ANBU!! cut him off.
you should come first, always.

moonmoon123 · 12/01/2023 23:24

Icklebowpeep · 10/01/2023 12:35

My partners family are vile. They have said very nasty things about me and seem to think that he can't think for himself so any decision he makes that they don't agree with must have come from me. I've overheard them talking about me on FaceTime before.
His brother though is the worst. He calls me all sorts of names, won't be in the room with me, and expects me to let him see the children when I'm not there.
For some context we were due to marry in 2020. At which point we'd said if it's reduced numbers, seen as at the time he'd only been dating his partner a few months, would he be ok to come without a plus one. That apparently came from me and me alone, I'm a see you next Tuesday etc.
We have been separated a while and I've said if we are to reconcile- it's me or him. He said he'd never cut him out.
Is that unreasonable?

His said he’d never cut him off, that isn’t going to work for you. If you aren’t together is it even worth considering getting back? aside from his vile brother is he a good partner?

moonmoon123 · 12/01/2023 23:30

Justcallmebebes · 10/01/2023 13:20

Of course it's unreasonable to ask someone to cut off a close member of their family because you don't get on!! If he does that, will he have to cut off the rest of his family?

You're not compatible, move on

they aren’t compatible because his brother doesn’t respect her??? how is that his OR her fault? as long as he calls his brother out in his toxic behaviour and doesn’t let him treat her like that they are definitely compatible. if he lets him disrespect you then fck the brother and fck your partner.

Fushiadreams · 12/01/2023 23:38

Georgeskitchen · 10/01/2023 15:35

I wouldn't let this tosser anywhere near my children, either with or without my presence. I'm not sure I would want to marry into this family anyway if your DP allows his brother to abuse you in this way

How controlling. When children have two parents one doesn’t get to decide like this,

and we hear only one side, not why the family all think of rhe op like this, she’s never going to say yeah I’m a right cunt is she?

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