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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure what to do to

40 replies

FlowyChloey · 10/01/2023 11:17

Hello all

Long time lurker posting for first time as I dont know what to do and hoping the magic of mumsnet will help.

Me and my husband decided to seperate before Christmas. We were together 13 years and married for 5. We decided to seperate as we drifted apart and things were really not great when I told him how unhappy I had been.

I met someone earlier in the year and didnt pursue anything. I knew things werent right for me and my husband but didnt want to cheat. Maybe you could count texting him as cheating but it didnt go any further.

Anyway, we seperated end of November and he moved in with his mum and dad. His choice. I didnt kick him out. He wanted space and didnt want to be living under the same roof.

I spoke to him before Christmas and got very upset, despite me instigating the unhappy chats. Basically, I withdrew all emotion / intimacy over last 12 months. I didnt feel like I was appreciated and my husband never made the effort to speak to me. I had to start all conversations and ask normal questions to him to get them back. I.e. how was your night out? What did you have for dinner at your mums etc. Stupid things.

I basically said to him that I didnt want us to throw away 13 years and all I am asking for is my basic needs to be met. I.e. conversation, interactions, kisses / cuddles without the assumption it would lead to something, to have dinner cooked for me for a change.. I said until then, I cant have sex with him because that isnt meeting in the middle. I said I would start kissing / cuddling more. He refused and said he has done all he has. We both agreed to go no contact over christmas & new year to enjoy the festivies and that we were seperated.

I met with the man I had met earlier in the year a few times; he never stayed over but we went to the cinema and another time went for drinks and each time I invited him in for coffee afterwards (honestly, nothing else was had except coffee).

A friend of a friend has now told me that my husband in on dating sites. Telling everyone that he has been single for months and that he was in a bad toxic relationship. He has also told people that I am seeing other people too and he knows this via our ring door bell. I have told him countless times to disconnect this from his phone. Not because I am away having affairs but it gives me the shivers whenever I hear the sensors activating as I know its recording straight to his phone. This happens whenever I step outside of the house. For context, I know he has said this as friends of friends (people I work with, friends that he doesnt know about) have recieved messages from him.

Anyway, he has told people I am seeing other people as a random man was in the house til midnight one day and that there will be no mud thrown during the legal proceedings. We spoke last night and we both agreed that we will be speaking to solicitors this week / maybe early next. He then said he will say whatever he has to for the process to be quicker ... and I am worried he will say adultery. Which I havent done.

I dont really know what I am asking here. Just looking for some advice/hand holding as I feel stressed out.

OP posts:
Believ · 10/01/2023 11:24

Sorry but reading this I understand why your husband is on dating sites and has said he was in a toxic relationship. It sounds like you had agreed to take things slowly and then boom you've got a man in the house! I think anyone would feel the same as your husband.

Jobsfor2023 · 10/01/2023 11:25

Not sure what the AIBU is or the question really. I don’t have experience of divorce but sure someone will come along who does and it would be better to put this in relationships.

Ultimately it’s over. You want/need something else than what you were getting and your DH wasn’t able/willing to provide it. You have separated and since both taken steps to meet other people. It will no doubt hurt to hear your ex has started his own journey of a new life as you navigate yours, and probably isn’t nice if people/he starts to think there was adultery and wasn’t - but you know the truth and need to focus on healing yourself. Have no idea what it means to be accused of adultery to get a quick divorce, but presumably there needs to be more evidence than ring door images.

Believ · 10/01/2023 11:27

Believ · 10/01/2023 11:24

Sorry but reading this I understand why your husband is on dating sites and has said he was in a toxic relationship. It sounds like you had agreed to take things slowly and then boom you've got a man in the house! I think anyone would feel the same as your husband.

Apologies I have just re-read the part where it says he refused your suggestion and said he had done all he could. In this case, you were separated and you've done nothing wrong.

Original poster
FlowyChloey · 10/01/2023 11:28

We didn't agree to take things slowly. Well we did Sept - Oct and then November we separated. I did meet up with other man purely because I felt like shit and it was nice going out with someone who wasnt a friend or family member so I didnt need to continuously talk about my husband. But I didnt cheat and we were techinically seperated. I dont mind he is on dating sites but I am bothered with him calling our relationship toxic. His profile picture is our wedding day too!

OP posts:
MisguidedGhosts · 10/01/2023 11:28

You moved on really fast. I can understand why he was hurt and has reacted badly. Can you see how he'd assume you'd been cheating and are having sex with this new man less than a month after the separation and 13 years together?

Unplug the doorbell. Get the divorce sorted and break contact.

Original poster
FlowyChloey · 10/01/2023 11:30

But I dont know if removing the door bell makes me look suspcious? I have nothing to hide. I'd rather he made the decision to disconnect. I cannot connect to the doorbell as I dont have "permissions" never have. He wont give me permissions and has always said I am doing it wrong. Well, I tried to take it down last night but I dont have a screwdriver and didnt know what else to do.

OP posts:
daybroke · 10/01/2023 11:30

Buy a screwdriver at the pound shop and take the doorbell down.

Original poster
FlowyChloey · 10/01/2023 11:33

Does removing it make me look guilty though?

OP posts:
butterfliedtwo · 10/01/2023 11:34

He shouldn't be spying on you using the soor camera, that's creepy. Get the quick divorce and cut all contact.

Second taking doorbell down.

BreviloquentBastard · 10/01/2023 11:34

So you had an emotional affair during your marriage, withdrew all affection from your husband for a YEAR, and then jumped into dating the guy you had the emotional affair with immediately after separation?

Sorry but I'm with your ex on this one, apart from the doorbell thing, probably not ideal for him to be keeping tabs on that. By the same token though if it's still technically his house there's not much you can do about it.

Original poster
FlowyChloey · 10/01/2023 11:36

Yeah I did withrew emotion. Because I constantly, and I really do mean constantly, told him I needed more. I needed conversation, I needed us to spend time together, I wanted to cuddle / kiss without him trying to jump on me for sex. I literally begged him to cook me dinner for months.. his response "dinner, thats the only thing you can moan at me about" and did he ever do this? No.

So I didnt withrew emotion because of this "other guy", I just didnt want to sleep with someone who had no interest in speaking to me

OP posts:
Original poster
FlowyChloey · 10/01/2023 11:38

Also I am not dating this other guy, I have seen him twice since 22nd December and we have no plans to meet up again anytime soon.

OP posts:
Johnduttonsbuttocks · 10/01/2023 11:41

FlowyChloey · 10/01/2023 11:33

Does removing it make me look guilty though?

Interesting that you worry so much about 'guilt'.

The quickest easiest divorce is a no-blame divorce.

That doorbell is a creepy invasion of your privacy. Take it down now!

Believ · 10/01/2023 11:43

You tried to make it work with your husband, he has refused your offer of trying to make it work. Technically you've done nothing wrong, morally you have moved on quite quickly after 13 years of marriage. Take the doorbell down as its not healthy for him snooping on everything you do. He has also moved on really quickly getting himself on dating sites so wheres the difference really?

Original poster
FlowyChloey · 10/01/2023 11:46

I guess we are both moving on quickly. It should have ended the begining of last year, though. In the end, it felt like we were just cohabiting in the same space, I wouldnt even call us housemates, as we didnt interact.

I was gutted before Christmas but during Christmas I felt absoultely fine. I enjoyed my day with family and it didnt feel like a loss. If he were there, we wouldnt have really spoken anyway.. I feel fine now. I feel a bit anxious that I need to move out soon but I've made peace with that. I think 2023 is going to be a really good year for me.

OP posts:
lanthanum · 10/01/2023 11:46

I don't see how taking down the doorbell makes you look guilty. If you're worried, buy a new one - then you have taken it down in order to install one that you can connect to - the point of having one is that the person living there can see who is at the door.

Ignore what he's saying on dating sites. If other people want to believe him, that's up to them. You each have your own version of the story - you're sharing yours here.

Original poster
FlowyChloey · 10/01/2023 11:48

I dont mind he is on dating sites but feel a little hurt that his picture is our wedding day and that he is telling others that it was toxic and unhealthy. I will admit, it probably was a little unhealthy but I find it disrespectful to be saying any of this to strangers after a month or two. I dont know what in all of this, that is the thing that is bothering me.

OP posts:
Suziesz · 10/01/2023 11:51

FlowyChloey · 10/01/2023 11:33

Does removing it make me look guilty though?

Why does it matter?
You emotionally checked out a year ago. You can obsess over whether you technically cheated or not but the fact that you immediately jumped into seeing the guy you had been messaging months and months prior says you were holding onto something with him while married.
To your husband its not unlikely he assumed you cheated given how quickly you started seeing someone, regardless of what happened physically.
But it doesn't matter, you didn't want to be with him and he didn't want to rekindle so that's it really.

butterfliedtwo · 10/01/2023 11:54

You can prevent him from spying on you, which is definitely creepy and should not be happening. But he'll have his thoughts about the marriage, and he can talk to whomever he wants to about that. It's also not your business which picture is on his profile.

The situation does sound pretty unhealthy.

Original poster
FlowyChloey · 10/01/2023 12:03

It does. I have felt happier not speaking / seeing him. I am starting to feel myself again - I didnt realise how much I had changed, well not changed but withdrew from everyone. It feels weird knowing that I had a husband one day and now I dont (well legally, I still do). However, I think we got together too young (20) and we both changed.

I think part of my feels bad because I didnt expect my life to turn out this way. But, during summer I had a long hard think about my future and knew that I couldnt start a family with him feeling the way I did. That has been something he has quoted to me since, "I need to meet someone to start a family since you have wasted my time". I didnt waste him time, we were both unhappy.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlowyChloey · 10/01/2023 12:04

I'm not sure why I am posting updates and providing more information, its refreshing to speak (well type!) to people you dont know. I dont want to bore family and friends with all of this so it is good to have this platform.

OP posts:
ImBlueDab · 10/01/2023 12:18

Who cares if it makes you look guilty. You're separated and he should be looking at your comings and going's - it's creepy imo and an invasion of your privacy

As for him divorcing due to adultery, it's actually really difficult to divorce due to this. Get yourself a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. So this foray and it'll be you divorcing him. The quickest and easiest way is a no fault divorce, in which case there's no one at fault.

MisguidedGhosts · 10/01/2023 12:21

Removing your doorbell is better than him watching your every move.

dontleaveitthere · 10/01/2023 12:26

Sometimes when a relationship ends it can get a bit messy. Maybe he's angry and lashing out.

The point is you've both finished. So what happens now you can't really control how he reacts.

Practically speaking. If it's ring you can just remove the battery on mine. That stops it working. Or disconnect the power supply. (Alternatively change your wifi password and as you can't update the ring it won't be linked up)

And any man who has his wedding photo on a dating site gets a swift swipe left from me. But that really doesn't matter. You have to separate your lives from here on in. What he gets up to is his business.

You can also do a no faults divorce. No blame and no contesting divorces. Just saying it didn't work out.

Johnduttonsbuttocks · 10/01/2023 12:55

his picture is our wedding day

God, you are well rid of him. What a prick!