Not sure what to do to

[FlowyChloey]

Hello all

Long time lurker posting for first time as I dont know what to do and hoping the magic of mumsnet will help.

Me and my husband decided to seperate before Christmas. We were together 13 years and married for 5. We decided to seperate as we drifted apart and things were really not great when I told him how unhappy I had been.

I met someone earlier in the year and didnt pursue anything. I knew things werent right for me and my husband but didnt want to cheat. Maybe you could count texting him as cheating but it didnt go any further.

Anyway, we seperated end of November and he moved in with his mum and dad. His choice. I didnt kick him out. He wanted space and didnt want to be living under the same roof.

I spoke to him before Christmas and got very upset, despite me instigating the unhappy chats. Basically, I withdrew all emotion / intimacy over last 12 months. I didnt feel like I was appreciated and my husband never made the effort to speak to me. I had to start all conversations and ask normal questions to him to get them back. I.e. how was your night out? What did you have for dinner at your mums etc. Stupid things.

I basically said to him that I didnt want us to throw away 13 years and all I am asking for is my basic needs to be met. I.e. conversation, interactions, kisses / cuddles without the assumption it would lead to something, to have dinner cooked for me for a change.. I said until then, I cant have sex with him because that isnt meeting in the middle. I said I would start kissing / cuddling more. He refused and said he has done all he has. We both agreed to go no contact over christmas & new year to enjoy the festivies and that we were seperated.

I met with the man I had met earlier in the year a few times; he never stayed over but we went to the cinema and another time went for drinks and each time I invited him in for coffee afterwards (honestly, nothing else was had except coffee).

A friend of a friend has now told me that my husband in on dating sites. Telling everyone that he has been single for months and that he was in a bad toxic relationship. He has also told people that I am seeing other people too and he knows this via our ring door bell. I have told him countless times to disconnect this from his phone. Not because I am away having affairs but it gives me the shivers whenever I hear the sensors activating as I know its recording straight to his phone. This happens whenever I step outside of the house. For context, I know he has said this as friends of friends (people I work with, friends that he doesnt know about) have recieved messages from him.

Anyway, he has told people I am seeing other people as a random man was in the house til midnight one day and that there will be no mud thrown during the legal proceedings. We spoke last night and we both agreed that we will be speaking to solicitors this week / maybe early next. He then said he will say whatever he has to for the process to be quicker ... and I am worried he will say adultery. Which I havent done.

I dont really know what I am asking here. Just looking for some advice/hand holding as I feel stressed out.

Pretty sure to use adultery as a reason you have to be able to prove intercourse

Put some black tape over the ring doorbell lens, or some paint if you can't take it down. I guess it is connected directly and not needing recharging with a USB cable. Or get someone to come and disconnect it.

And let him instigate the divorce, nobody else ever known why people divorce so just let him do it and both of you can be free.

If you change your wifi password the ring doorbell will no longer be able to connect to it so he wont be able to see it anymore. We have a ring doorbell, I'd be really freaked out if an ex was watching me and keeping track of any visitors I had. He could start answering the door when you're not there, its a huge invasion of privacy and not something I'd feel guilty about disconnecting.

It sounds like you both just want to move on so I think separating all links to each other would be healthy for both of you!

Apart from the Ring doorbell intrusion, your husband has done nothing wrong.

The divorce will take whatever time it takes. Adultery is irrelevant to the process. No fault & no mud-slinging will get you the quickest process.

I bet PP will be able to advise how to deactivate the Ring from his phone. Or contact Ring & explain that you are estranged, your H has moved out, you are now sole account holder & want his end disconnected.

You are stressed because divorce is stressful. No doubt your H is stressed too. You cannot control what he says to others, & you also cannot be sure that he didn't have suspicions about your emotional affair, & is connecting that to how quickly you have moved on. He may have put 2 & 2 together & realised this man isn't as 'new' as you claim. When H moved out, you continued to contact him asking to reconcile - you can't blame him for wondering WTF & feeling hurt.

You also can't blame him for starting to date.
Just let him crack on with it, & keep comms to legal & financial matters only now.

FFS

YOU ARE SEPARATING.

Stop wondering what it looks like & start dealing with the practical, legal & financial business of divorce.

Removing the doorbell only makes you guilty of not wanting to be spied on by your ex husband every time you leave the house! Of course you should either reset the doorbell (if that’s an option) so he isn’t linked to it anymore or just remove and replace if you want.

I am not sure if I can change the wifi password as thats all in my husbands name and I cant change the ring door bell as its linked to my husbands amazon account. I will ask my dad to come over and take it down.

Stick some tape over the doorbell. He'll think it's broken or just give up, until your dad can take it down.

The only divorce he can get now is a no fault divorce, so don't worry about being named for anything else.

You also don't have to wait the 2 years anymore it can be done immediately.

You just need to make sure that you have done a financial order before it can be finalised if you have property, pensions and children together.

Agree with PPs to put tape over the doorbell until you can get it taken down.

Does the house belong to both of you? If so then I'm not surprised he's aggrieved that you're bringing a man back there the second DH moved out, if the shoe was on the other foot and you'd moved out, he brought a woman back to your joint home, would you be happy?

If it's entirely your house then crack on, none of his business as you're separated pending divorce.

Just take the battery out

Tape over the doorbell.

You're getting caught up in the detail, you both want to seperate, focus on doing that as coolly as possible.

Get one of these and remove the screw holding the battery cover on and remove the battery. If he says something about it just tell him he doesn't live there and has no right to see who is coming or going from your house.

www.amazon.co.uk/Doorbell-Screwdriver-Replacement-Industrial-Double-Ended/dp/B0B9WBWS2M/ref=asc_df_B0B9WBWS2M/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=606741153829&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3085870640504758728&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007044&hvtargid=pla-1740736658780&psc=1

Reset it, hold down the orange button for 20 seconds

at this stage who cares, he has no business knowing what goes on at a place he doesn't live at