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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to want to talk about the past?

51 replies

overthinker2 · 09/01/2023 16:24

I'm 31 with a boyfriend a few years younger. We've been together just under a year. Recently I asked him 'who was his first kiss' and he completely refused to talk about it. It was just meant to be a random conversation - I know it's a big moment in people's lives so I wanted to know. But the fact that he is hiding it so much is making me feel uneasy. He says I don't know them, so if it's just someone random why wouldn't he say? He says he has nothing to hide he just doesn't think it's important and so he doesn't want to talk about it. He said he doesn't want to talk about his past and then later apologised and said he will try and be more open about his past with me when I ask in the future, but he says it means more to me than it does to him. I just feel so hurt! As far as I know nothing major has happened - so what wouldn't he want to talk to me about? I understand he has a right to privacy but when he talks about settling down and starting a family with me it makes me anxious when he can't answer a simple question like that, and not want to talk about his past with me? I said to him if he really believes there's nothing I should know then we can leave it at that and draw a line under it. How much do you know about your partners past? Is it really relevant?

OP posts:
MisguidedGhosts · 09/01/2023 16:33

Why is his first kiss relevant to you, especially if you don't know them?

How much detail do you want? Will you stop at first kiss or do you want to know who he lost his virginity to as well? Do you just what names of anonymous people or do you want pictures and stories? Are you going to then get jealous when he bumps into an ex in the shopping centre?

You don't need to know anything about his past that won't impact your relationship.

smileyeye · 09/01/2023 16:34

YABU.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 09/01/2023 16:35

From his perspective I guess your gruelling him about his past is a huge red flag OP

CPL593H · 09/01/2023 16:35

overthinker2 · 09/01/2023 16:24

I'm 31 with a boyfriend a few years younger. We've been together just under a year. Recently I asked him 'who was his first kiss' and he completely refused to talk about it. It was just meant to be a random conversation - I know it's a big moment in people's lives so I wanted to know. But the fact that he is hiding it so much is making me feel uneasy. He says I don't know them, so if it's just someone random why wouldn't he say? He says he has nothing to hide he just doesn't think it's important and so he doesn't want to talk about it. He said he doesn't want to talk about his past and then later apologised and said he will try and be more open about his past with me when I ask in the future, but he says it means more to me than it does to him. I just feel so hurt! As far as I know nothing major has happened - so what wouldn't he want to talk to me about? I understand he has a right to privacy but when he talks about settling down and starting a family with me it makes me anxious when he can't answer a simple question like that, and not want to talk about his past with me? I said to him if he really believes there's nothing I should know then we can leave it at that and draw a line under it. How much do you know about your partners past? Is it really relevant?

No, someone's first kiss is utterly irrelevant. Neither of my husbands knew/know anything about mine or me about theirs. If I were your partner, I would be worried about how much quizzing I was letting myself in for if I opened that door, given what you have written here.

If not knowing makes you feel this uneasy and anxious, you need to rethink the relationship and your attitude to relationships in general.

Original poster
overthinker2 · 09/01/2023 16:39

MisguidedGhosts · 09/01/2023 16:33

Why is his first kiss relevant to you, especially if you don't know them?

How much detail do you want? Will you stop at first kiss or do you want to know who he lost his virginity to as well? Do you just what names of anonymous people or do you want pictures and stories? Are you going to then get jealous when he bumps into an ex in the shopping centre?

You don't need to know anything about his past that won't impact your relationship.

I think it’s the fact that he wouldn’t tell me who it was made me feel that it was someone I do actually know and he just didn’t want to say? I thought these were things that couples talked about if I’m honest. Do you not want to know your partner inside out? They’re past is what has made them who they are today etc etc?

OP posts:
Original poster
overthinker2 · 09/01/2023 16:42

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 09/01/2023 16:35

From his perspective I guess your gruelling him about his past is a huge red flag OP

I wouldn't of called it gruelling, I just asked a question and since he refused to tell me it made me wonder why but maybe I needed to realise that there's things he doesn't need to tell me if he doesn't want to

OP posts:
Ginsloth · 09/01/2023 16:43

I never understand why people want to know things like this. If things crop up in conversation involving previous boyfriends/girlfriends then fair enough but I don’t understand asking specific questions about your partner’s old love life. Why does it matter? And like someone else has said, where does the questioning stop? Will you want to know about who he first slept with, how many sexual partners etc? Lots of people don’t feel comfortable sharing these details about their lives, especially with their current partner. I wouldn’t want to know anything like that about my husband.

twinkletwinkle89 · 09/01/2023 16:45

I think his first kiss was you then and he's too embarrassed to say that

EileenAdler · 09/01/2023 16:45

I’ve never discussed details of my love life before I met my husband.

Original poster
overthinker2 · 09/01/2023 16:45

twinkletwinkle89 · 09/01/2023 16:45

I think his first kiss was you then and he's too embarrassed to say that

No 😂😂 this is not the case he has had girlfriends before me

OP posts:
CPL593H · 09/01/2023 16:48

overthinker2 · 09/01/2023 16:39

I think it’s the fact that he wouldn’t tell me who it was made me feel that it was someone I do actually know and he just didn’t want to say? I thought these were things that couples talked about if I’m honest. Do you not want to know your partner inside out? They’re past is what has made them who they are today etc etc?

Show quote history

No, I really don't. I get the feeling OP that if he did start to talk in detail about his past relationships it would only fuel your anxiety and lead to much more questioning.

whattodo1975 · 09/01/2023 16:51

He doesn't want to tell you because it sounds like something you would bring up over and over again.

Say his first kiss was with Jesscia Bloggs, you sound like the type who will be straight on to facebook to look up Jessica Bloggs "shes pretty isnt she" you passive aggressively say before taking a huff.

Then few weeks later when you have a bit of a disagreement "why dont you run back to Jesscia Bloggs if you dont like it".

Sound about right ?

He is just saving himself hassle, rather than it being anything sinister.

Original poster
overthinker2 · 09/01/2023 16:52

@CPL593H yes I think your very right and in hindsight it is probably a good thing he put his foot down and refused to talk about it because I don't know where to stop sometimes

OP posts:
xyhere · 09/01/2023 16:54

Have you considered that it might not be a happy memory for him, and he's hiding it so he doesn't have to think about it?

It's frequent enough on here that many's first kiss/first time/etc wasn't exactly wonderful, if not outright traumatic. The same can be true for guys, y'know.

If he doesn't want to talk about it, just respect his boundaries instead of acting like it's a personal insult aimed at you.

Sarahconnor1 · 09/01/2023 16:54

I thought these were things that couples talked about if I’m honest. Do you not want to know your partner inside out?No and no, personally. My husband doesn't know all my relationship history and I don't know his. He isn't comfortable talking about it so you should respect that.

CPL593H · 09/01/2023 16:55

overthinker2 · 09/01/2023 16:52

@CPL593H yes I think your very right and in hindsight it is probably a good thing he put his foot down and refused to talk about it because I don't know where to stop sometimes

It's good you can see that. Try to let the worry and the past go and make a nice fresh history together. Flowers

Findyourneutralspace · 09/01/2023 16:56

I don’t understand this either. Presumably it’s not recent history.
My XH and I knew what age we first had sex, because it came up in the course of a general conversation, but we didn’t ask details of who, what, when, where.
Likewise when people want to know each others ‘number’. It’s all a bit intrusive and pointless.

SmileWithADimple · 09/01/2023 16:56

I'm like you OP, completely honest and open about my past and interested to hear about my partners' exes. But not everyone is the same - some people are really private about that kind of thing, or would rather not think about it. I don't think it means there's anything dodgy going on - it's just how he feels and I think you need to respect that.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 09/01/2023 16:57

@overthinker2 · Today 16:52
@CPL593H yes I think your very right and in hindsight it is probably a good thing he put his foot down and refused to talk about it because I don't know where to stop sometimes

OP This for me would be another red flag. Sorry but you did ask

smileyeye · 09/01/2023 17:02

Do you not want to know your partner inside out? They’re past is what has made them who they are today etc etc?

No. There are many things about my past that I wouldn't want to discuss.

And if he doesn't want to discuss his past with you then you should respect that.

Believ · 09/01/2023 17:02

He must have his reasons. I'd think it was odd if my partner didn't feel he could talk about anything with me, but we are so open with each other and can ask each other anything. Not all people are that open though, and you probably just need to respect that.

If a man posted on here that he was so hurt by his partner not wanting to discuss her past I can only imagine what all the comments would say. Maybe just try and chill about it 😄

UsingChangeofName · 09/01/2023 17:04

I agree with all the replies on here except the one who agree with you OP.

I think it is an odd thing to start probing your partner about.

Do you not want to know your partner inside out? They’re past is what has made them who they are today etc etc?

No.
I have no idea who dh first kissed or if he had had sex before he met me or how many people he had had sex with. Nothing to do with me. Can't really see how knowing any of that is going to benefit our relationship.
I mean, it is relevant if a new potential partner has dc. It is probably relevant if one partner had a previous partner who died. But it isn't relevant who a new partner might or might not have kissed at some point in their past.

KrisAkabusi · 09/01/2023 17:09

I thought these were things that couples talked about if I’m honest. Do you not want to know your partner inside out? They’re past is what has made them who they are today etc etc?

No. We're all entitled to our privacy. Wanting to know them inside out is too much. Particularly if the other person has said they don't want to discuss it, you shouldn't pursue it.

MisguidedGhosts · 09/01/2023 17:11

Do you not want to know your partner inside out?

No. We're not defined by our pasts.

freshlybakedbread · 09/01/2023 17:12

I think it's perfectly fine if he doesn't want to discuss it. I think that it's up to the individual to share things if they wish to, not feel pressured into it. Then they can be as open as they wish, you are in a relationship, you don't own others' past memories.