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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to want to talk about the past?

51 replies

overthinker2 · 09/01/2023 16:24

I'm 31 with a boyfriend a few years younger. We've been together just under a year. Recently I asked him 'who was his first kiss' and he completely refused to talk about it. It was just meant to be a random conversation - I know it's a big moment in people's lives so I wanted to know. But the fact that he is hiding it so much is making me feel uneasy. He says I don't know them, so if it's just someone random why wouldn't he say? He says he has nothing to hide he just doesn't think it's important and so he doesn't want to talk about it. He said he doesn't want to talk about his past and then later apologised and said he will try and be more open about his past with me when I ask in the future, but he says it means more to me than it does to him. I just feel so hurt! As far as I know nothing major has happened - so what wouldn't he want to talk to me about? I understand he has a right to privacy but when he talks about settling down and starting a family with me it makes me anxious when he can't answer a simple question like that, and not want to talk about his past with me? I said to him if he really believes there's nothing I should know then we can leave it at that and draw a line under it. How much do you know about your partners past? Is it really relevant?

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 09/01/2023 17:15

Well my first snog was with one of my best female friends when I was about 9. Maybe your bf experimented in the same way but is afraid of being stigmatised, or maybe his was with a much older woman? Either way he doesn’t want to talk about it and you should respect that.

DeltaAlphaDelta79 · 09/01/2023 17:18

I dont want to talk about my past sex/love life, even down to random kisses, first kisses etc with current partner, or any others. I don't ask questions about someone else's past, in that sense, and I feel quite uncomfortable talking about it if they bring it up.

I am very adventurous when I am with someone, but there is something about hearing about someone else's love life, or talking about my own history that makes me feel......squeamish, is the only way I can describe it. I don't know what, but I hate it and would promptly put a stop to any conversatgoing down that road.

OutOfTheBluey · 09/01/2023 17:27

I can see both sides of this. He may have felt under pressure and wanted to draw up some boundaries about discussing his past in case the questions became intrusive. On the other hand I discuss all important parts of our past with DH and feel it helps us know each other better so I can absolutely understand you wanting to know and feelings shut out when he put up a barrier.

MRSDoos · 09/01/2023 17:27

I’m 27 and my DH is 30.
I’m his 2nd kiss and only person he has been in a relationship with or slept with. He is the 4th relationship I’ve had and I wasn’t a virgin when we met. He has never asked who my first kiss was and although at the beginning I was honest with exes and not being a virgin he didn’t seem bothered as it was in the past.

I’m kind of with your partner here, I don’t think it matters especially as you have no idea who this person is. I am an open book and I have no problem telling DH anything if he wanted to know - I can kind of get why you are upset that he got defensive and didn’t say but a lot of people would rather not talk about the past or see the point. I wouldn’t take it to heart and remind yourself that he is with you now x

Sage396 · 09/01/2023 17:31

I cringe deeply when I think about some of my early romantic experiences and prefer not to talk about them.

DP and I don't really talk about our past that way - it's not a secret exactly but it is irrelevant and sometimes awkward. I feel like we know each other very well in spite of this.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 09/01/2023 17:34

YABVU. Poor guy, he doesn't want to discuss it and you're bulldozing your way through his boundaries.

His sexual and relationship past is none of your damned business.

rainbowlou · 09/01/2023 17:37

I have never felt the need to ask my husband anything about his previous love life, and if he asked about mine I’d tell him to sod off.
It’s nobody else’s business and certainly hasn’t made me who I am today!

pictoosh · 09/01/2023 17:40

Dh and I have never discussed past relationships beyond a nominal acknowledgement of them, or first kiss stories and we've been together 26 years.

I have never felt the need to disclose anything. I suppose I might react a bit like your partner if dh asked me about my first kiss. I'd be like...why do you want to know? I was a kid and it was meaningless. Don't think I'd really want to delve into it either.

Choconut · 09/01/2023 17:47

I'm completely open and honest about everything including my past and for me it would be important for the person I was with to be the same. I wouldn't want to know every single detail of course but I'd want them to be able to answer an innocent question like who their first kiss was.

People on MN are really funny about it though, I guess because they'd rather not be talking about their past.

Soapnotshowergel · 09/01/2023 17:48

I don't think I've discussed my first kiss since I was about 17. This is probably the first time I've thought about it in decades. Sorry to the now man, but I can't even remember your name.

Original poster
overthinker2 · 09/01/2023 18:21

Thank you so much to everyone for replying and being kind and understanding - I'm glad I got other opinions it has put it into perspective a bit more for me! I will make a note to not push anything and respect his boundaries if we get into a similar conversation again and not take anything to heart. I know we have something really good and working on this part of myself will make us even better 🫶🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
overthinker2 · 09/01/2023 18:22

Soapnotshowergel · 09/01/2023 17:48

I don't think I've discussed my first kiss since I was about 17. This is probably the first time I've thought about it in decades. Sorry to the now man, but I can't even remember your name.

😂😂😂

OP posts:
hmmmintereting · 09/01/2023 21:44

Is he the jealous type? Wonder if he isn't keen to hear about your first kiss etc. so doesn't want the conversation.

Original poster
overthinker2 · 09/01/2023 22:10

hmmmintereting · 09/01/2023 21:44

Is he the jealous type? Wonder if he isn't keen to hear about your first kiss etc. so doesn't want the conversation.

Sometimes he would be yes - not overly jealous though - but he did say at the time 'I don't want to hear about all the boys you've been kissing' but at this point I'd already told him a name it was just him that didn't want to talk about it on his end. But it could be something like that and he was just uncomfortable with the convo!

OP posts:
ArmyofMunn · 09/01/2023 22:14

I think you really need to chill out and therefore salvage this relationship

smooththecat · 09/01/2023 22:14

Remember that not everybody’s sexual history is positive and people may not want it brought up in this way. First kiss, virginity etc. is not something everyone can couch in a positive light so it’s important not to be flippant about it.

BloodAndFire · 09/01/2023 22:29

I think it's really dependent on the individual. My husband and I (together 17 years) have talked a lot about our past partners, both sexually and in broader relationship terms.

It's the second marriage/cohabiting ltr for us both. We both made a lot of mistakes in previous relationships and it's interesting to discuss and share. And yes it's occasionally uncomfortable or makes one of us feel temporarily jealous or insecure.

I guess the important thing is that neither of us would pressure the other one to talk about something if we weren't comfortable with it (or insist on talking about it if it made the other person feel bad).

So you shouldn't push your boyfriend into it if he doesn't want to have that kind of conversation
But it might mean you're not totally compatible.

GlassBunion · 09/01/2023 22:42

You don't need to know about his first kiss.
You really don't.
Maybe he's being a gentleman' and doesn't want to share it with a current encounter.
If I were your boyfriend I'd consider your request to be a red flag.
Sorry.

BloodyHellHarry · 09/01/2023 22:45

My first kiss was with a burly, ruddy cheeked young farmer at a Young Farmers' dance in 1979. It was revolting. My husband of 36 years does not know this as it's irrelevant and not something we've discussed. Ditto I know nothing about his first kiss. Personally I think discussing past relationships is really boring and a sign you may not have much else to talk about.

Lights22 · 09/01/2023 23:01

I know about my husband's previous significant relationships. If I asked about his first kiss, he'd tell me as I would him. Not necessarily name because it would mean nothing, but age, where etc. Don't see the issue with it. I guess it depends in what context you asked your OH and your reason behind it. Do be mindful as others have posted that, if he does start to talk to you, you don't get side swiped by it. Good luck!

Original poster
overthinker2 · 09/01/2023 23:06

BloodyHellHarry · 09/01/2023 22:45

My first kiss was with a burly, ruddy cheeked young farmer at a Young Farmers' dance in 1979. It was revolting. My husband of 36 years does not know this as it's irrelevant and not something we've discussed. Ditto I know nothing about his first kiss. Personally I think discussing past relationships is really boring and a sign you may not have much else to talk about.

I was actually reading a book at the time and they were talking about a first kiss so that's what put the idea in my head and I asked him 😂

OP posts:
365names · 10/01/2023 21:54

My ex husband asked and then got the hump when I refused to answer. Accused me of all sorts ie was it my brother etc ? Disgusting stuff. Blamed me for not being open. Wanted to know what age? Where? Who? Then googled him and on it went

huge huge red flags

MooseBreath · 10/01/2023 23:14

My DH doesn't know about my first kiss, nor does he know about when and to whom I lost my virginity. He knows about my previous boyfriends as they have been mentioned anecdotally, but we haven't discussed the intimate details of those past relationships. I don't know anything about his firsts either, just a few odd names of women he dated.

If your BF is being cagey about it, I would honestly leave it. It's unlikely, but it could have been traumatic or non-consensual.

Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife · 11/01/2023 08:13

Why does it matter?

Sorry op but I think you're being unreasonable.

Do you want to know because its an interesting conversation topic or just to somehow soothe your own insecurities?

If a man demanded to know this about a woman would you think it reasonable?

Dishwashersaurous · 11/01/2023 08:14

Why on earth would you ask him that?

I've no idea who past partners first kiss, number of partners etc. Its simply not something that you need to know