That there is a lot of judgement in pregnancy and motherhood?

[MRSDoos]

I’m 23 weeks pregnant and a first time mum.
Because this is our first I love hearing helpful advice from other parents and I’m happy to hear recommendations on items or what to do once baby arrives.

I’ve noticed that a lot of people can be judgemental about personal things that you decide to do in pregnancy for example names, colours of nursery, items that you buy for baby. I’ve also had a lot of snarky comments on what I should and shouldn’t do during labour to the point someone told me I “should never” have a caesarean - as if some woman have a choice! I want to breastfeed, but it still annoys me when people ask “You’re obviously going to breastfeed, right?”.

I’m sure the comments and judgements will be worse once baby is here - how do you deal with them?

Yes, this. Sadly everyone think it's fine to police womens' choices in pregnancy and then it continues until the child is 18 (and beyond). Of course, dads are not judged in anything like the same way!

You have to develop a thick skin, ignore the advice you don't like and take account of the advice you do.

Within reason, a happy mum = a happy baby, so do what suits you and your child.

I agree with saying this. No need to quietly accept what they say.

It's a shame but it's true. Judgement for me started while I was pregnant on when I chose to reveal my pregnancy to certain people in the family. And it's the same, whether you choose to bottle-feed or breastfeed, someone is going to have an opinion. And don't get me started on the comments and judgements about your body.

Just the start of it I'm afraid. Agree with PPs. You just gotta learn to ignore.

Oh god OP welcome to the jungle. Congratulations!

Patriarchy exists because women have babies, so it is at its fiercest when you make any decision involving your fertility or your parenting. This is because you are at your most dangerous, as far as patriarchy is concerned, if that makes you feel any better.

It's never bothered me, but I'm not usually much ruffled by other people having opinions. I can't say I ever remember feeling "judged" - about anything, really. It's quite possible everyone has been judging the hell out of me for years and I've never bothered to notice 😂

Mostly the weird judgment, comments etc around pregnancy and motherhood come from women. You can’t pin this one on the Patriarchy, I’m afraid.

YANBU, I'm also pregnant with our first and it's astounded me how many people have given their unsolicited snotty advice. But what's been worse is how many people have tried to make DH and I feel miserable about the whole thing by sharing birthing horror stories, how crap life will be once baby arrives etc. I've started avoiding the subject or just people all together because I'm just fed up of the constant onslaught.

Of course you can. Women also participate in patriarchy.

What’s the Patriarchy got to do with women’s competitive pettiness towards each other and weird hang ups they have regarding pregnancy and motherhood? Men are not involved in that and completely disinterested.

Oh I think men are extremely interested in women's fertility and parenting decisions.

I don’t think so.

I think we are all interested, because it's pretty much the most important and universal thing on Earth. We have all been children, and most of us are or will be parents, and it affects us all. It would be antisocial if nobody cared how the world's children are being raised, or how new and expectant mothers get on.

That's not to say that all opinions are sensible or should be broadcast, but of course we all have our thoughts.

Does anyone think this would be any different if men didn't exist and we got pregnant by divine intervention?

Really? You think that for eg the Catholic church (an entirely male organisation), the US Senate and just about every other political and religious group in the world is disinterested in women's fertility, sexual behaviour and parenting?

None of those organisations are entirely male. Is it the US Senate making snide little comments and digs in people’s homes about how women should handle y and motherhood?

No. It's just banning abortion. A minor matter.

Yes, I am 29 weeks and have experienced a couple of unsolicited silly opinions offered already. Actually mine were from people I don't really know (hair dresser and dental receptionist randomly!), so it kind of made it easier.

Direct quote - 'Oh why are you finding out the sex of the baby? Ooow don't do that?!'
And just general doom-mongering - ' Oh there is so much they don't tell you about childbirth...' - and then proceeds to tell me about her own horrific experience as if it's universal. Oh she also told me that I should have as much coffee and caffeine as I like and ignore the guidelines, cause she did and her kid is just fine.

I think some women just like the matronly bossy feeling of 'imparting wisdom' whether you asked for it or not. Having a child is such a universal thing and you don't need any qualifications to be able to achieve it, so I think it's the one thing some people can feel knowledgeable about. I'm choosing to take the stuff that feels helpful and politely tune out the rest.

I felt the opposite, that I didn't know what I was doing and would have loved more women to share their experiences with them. Instead I had to google everything.

That's why I first joined Mumsnet in fact.

I think some women just like the matronly bossy feeling of 'imparting wisdom' whether you asked for it or not. Having a child is such a universal thing and you don't need any qualifications to be able to achieve it, so I think it's the one thing some people can feel knowledgeable about. I'm choosing to take the stuff that feels helpful and politely tune out the rest.

Yes, I think it's exactly that, and I think you're taking exactly the right approach to it. I think there are two types of person (or at least two ends of the spectrum):

A) those of us who love the feeling of imparting wisdom, and don't mind humouring other people when they impart theirs, even though it's clearly inferior to ours (I am this type and this is basically why I'm on MN)

B) those who are less comfortable with the whole shebang and more sensitive about it.

For those of us in group A, the group B people can actually have an unnerving and irritating effect with the reluctance to share their thoughts... I always found it more annoying to have a lot of tiptoeing around and "now, you mustn't listen to what anyone tells you, and I'm sure it's all changed since my day and so you mustn't listen to me either...". Just tell me what you think, I can handle it, and if I don't like it, I'll change the subject or politely disagree! (Unless it's an absolute pointless horror story about a friend of a friend, in which case nobody needs to hear it)