That there is a lot of judgement in pregnancy and motherhood?

[MRSDoos]

I’m 23 weeks pregnant and a first time mum.
Because this is our first I love hearing helpful advice from other parents and I’m happy to hear recommendations on items or what to do once baby arrives.

I’ve noticed that a lot of people can be judgemental about personal things that you decide to do in pregnancy for example names, colours of nursery, items that you buy for baby. I’ve also had a lot of snarky comments on what I should and shouldn’t do during labour to the point someone told me I “should never” have a caesarean - as if some woman have a choice! I want to breastfeed, but it still annoys me when people ask “You’re obviously going to breastfeed, right?”.

I’m sure the comments and judgements will be worse once baby is here - how do you deal with them?

I hate to say it but think you need to toughen up, as this is only the start of the judgement that will be incoming. If its getting you down now just wait till the baby arrives and everyone gives you their opinion.

I'm not saying its right, but its what women do to validate their own choices they made with their children.

Agreed! unfortunately I found it only increases tenfold once the baby arrives. From nap times, to feeding, weaning, milestones, talking, potty training, nursery.. it goes on and on! I learned to find my inner mute button for those comments a while ago. Post partum the hormones made me very sensitive at times!

Get used to it. It's your life now. It's absolutely fine to just say "thanks, I'm happy with the decision we've made for our baby" and don't discuss it further. My top bit of advice to any mum to be is... "I'm going to offer you the only bit of advice you need as a new parent. Don't listen to advice from anyone else. You and your baby are unique and your instincts are good."

You'll learn to ignore and filter them out. I decided on pretty early in my pregnancy I would have a c-section and was constantly told throughout my pregnancy what an awful idea it was, how I'll suffer afterwards, how I'm draining an already strained NHS by having a more expensive procedure etc. Whatever. Baby is 3 weeks old now and the judgement continues but is now around breast feeding, dummies etc I just smile and ignore.

Thank you! Will definitely learn to ignore these comments. For some reason it does get my back up a bit.

milkymeg is spot on - politely thanking people for their advice and then doing what you'd planned to do anyway is a no-drama, no conflict way to live. The manual for your baby doesn't exist, you're going to be writing it together as you go along.
It's a constantly changing, constantly adapting process and I wish you the very, very best of luck with it; in my experience, it's tough but it's magic.

Grow a tough hide.

It’s not just pregnancy and birth. This sort of thing happens throughout the lifespan of motherhood.

The one thing everyone agrees on is that mothers are public property and everyone is invited to judge them.

You are always doing something wrong. Every step of the way someone will judge you. Caesarean or drug free labour. Breastfeeding or bottle. Working or staying at home. Sleep training or not. Books or screens. Whether you have one kid or multiple. Private or state school. Organic food or non-organic. It goes on and on and on and it won’t end until they have left home. 95% of it is small minded judgement from people with too much time on their hands.

Learn as early as you can to care as little as you can about what others think about the way you raise your children. It’s none of anyone’s business and anyone who involves themselves in this (apart from someone who has been invited in) is not a friend.

@Thepeopleversuswork thank you so much!

Smile and nod and say things like 'that's interesting ' and ' I hadn't heard that'.then do your own research, do it your own way and let the comments slide off you..
Congratulations btw.

People will always have an opinion. If there's one thing I will not do in my (hopefully) next pregnancy is not to tell others hardly anything, especially the name! Everyone has an opinion on that 🙄

Oh fuck yes, the whole process is utterly saturated. It's women having the temerity to have bodies and do things with them. That's not limited to the pregnancy and postnatal period but there is a specific brand that exists then, I think because so much of it actually is innately female. Meaning it's up for criticism more than things later down the line which aren't so specific to women's bodies. Basically if more men are involved there's more leeway!

I was lucky not to encounter much of this in real life during the period you're going through now, but best advice is to practice derisory snorts.

@Thepeopleversuswork this is so true.
The man who I used to live next door to when I had my first baby was in his 70s. He and his wife would look out for me and watch the baby for the odd hour. About family questions he was always saying ‘tell them what they want to hear’ 😆

First time mum with 2 week old here and this was my number 1 bug bear during pregnancy - I had no idea how many opinions people had and would voice uninvited until I was pregnant 😅🙈

As others have said Im sure this is going to continue but think we just have to politely decline unhelpful parts and maybe avoid persistent offenders?!

Youre definitely not alone in feeling surprised by it tho!!

@Bizzyone congratulations! I definitely did expect some opinions but I just can’t believe the amount of judgement you get. Everyone wants to tell you how bad labour is and how bad being a mother is too 😂 I just think everyone tells you different opinions or looks down their nose at you

Family will be the worst at this unfortunately. Usually when you say how tired you are. I just tell them to shut up and remind them that they either don't have children or didn't work when they had kids or only worked part time. They only see things from their narrow viewpoint and don't understand how advice has evolved over the years.

The best thing to do is only talk about pregnancy and children to people who are sympathetic and understand, or you will open the floodgates to allsorts of shit advice and judgement.

I agree with all the previous posters and the best is to filter out... But as a FTM of a now 1 year old, when you spend so much time and effort, sleep deprived, trying to figure how your little one works and what's best for them, you tend to get a bit overprotective of your own decisions.
It's completely unreasonable of course, but I understand 😅

@MRSDoos yes agree everyone tells you how awful things will be but honestly just try and block it out as every labour/pregnancy/baby is different and you will just find your own way through the hard parts and will enjoy all the lovely parts too ❤️ and whatever you do dont tell anyone name ideas until baby has arrived haha!

You just let it roll over you like a wave.

I still remember when pregnant with my first, after non stop stories of horrendous labours and no sleep ever, a friend’s DH just gave me the biggest grin and said ‘best thing you’ll ever do’. And as it turned out, he was right.

There’s honestly nothing you can do to be ‘right’.

I am childfree, my oldest sister has 1 child, my youngest sister has 2 children, my middle sister has 2 children, one sister in law has 3 children, one sister in law has 5 children. Do you know which of us is ‘wrong’? All of us. From how many children we do, or do not, have, the sex of the children, their names, their schools, their routines, their toys and more! - they’ve all been criticised.

Also the being told bad things about labour and being a mother thing, absolutely ridiculous at my workplace there’s three women who do nothing but complain about their children, they always tell me I have to have children because it’s amazing, joyful, a love like no other and all kinds of things about how my life is pointless. What do the pregnant women get told by these three women? How awful it is, they’ll have no life, no time, no money, they’ll never feel safe weeing ever again. I have no idea why people do it.

No matter what you do it will be wrong to someone but as long as your child is safe, happy and loved and you and the other parent are happy with your choices that’s all that matters. Congratulations on your pregnancy 💐

Only if you seek it out and are looking to be offended.

You'll get used to it and pick your battles and let the rest of the comments slide. It's bloody annoying though. Also, in baby groups etc, people aren't always judging - they're sometimes letting off steam, saying what works for them or justifying decisions they secretly feel judged by. I found the hardest thing was conflicting advice between different health visitors and different consultants. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Totally agree, though I found it happened to me so much that I wonder if sometimes people were just trying to make conversation and had no idea how judgemental they were actually coming across.

I am on a group for women who had babies at the same time as me. Some were first time mums and had very idealistic views on giving birth, following hypnotherapy and didn't want to hear any 'negativity'. My first birth everything that could go wrong did and I felt I couldn't share any of it because that would have been seen as negativity. Said women didn't get the birth she wanted and couldn't let go of that. I couldn't help but feel had she been open to hearing about people's experiences she wouldn't have held on to the perfect birth thing but she held a natural birth with no interventions as the only positive way to give birth. I don't volunteer the information unless asked as my experience was very much down to a series of issues.

I'd avoid asking for people's opinions if you don't want to hear them because they won't always align with yours. Also I did things differently with each of my children because they are all different. For instance first child didn't have a dummy, second did and so has current baby.

You'll find your own way and learn as you go. No harm in asking for weaning recipes, advice re breastfeeding, nap schedules etc.

I hate to say it but think you need to toughen up, as this is only the start of the judgement that will be incoming. If its getting you down now just wait till the baby arrives and everyone gives you their opinion

Unfortunately this. But just ignore the "advice" you don't like. And also think about whether you actually care about what a lot of people think. If people say something you don't like, think about what they are to you, and why and if you should care about their opinion. Mostly you shouldn't.

I’m sorry to say that it won’t stop. You will just need to ignore it/roll with it.

Women are just dreadful to other women on the matters of pregnancy motherhood. They judge, judge, judge and it will never change.

entirely competitive and entirely toxic. Why evolution does this, I just do not know.